Thinking Horndog - The Elegant Solution

Posted: February 01, 2009 - 08:27:21 pm

Lon Carpenter laid back in his lounger, sipping his canned soda, "Thank God for summer vacation!"

"No kidding!" Rick Flanders sat up in his beach chair to pick his drink up from the patio table. "I couldn’t wait!" Summer was finally here, ending the boys' junior year in high school. In the fall, they’d be seniors, but for now, they were at loose ends…

"Only one problem," Toby Tolliver grunted, dabbing sunscreen on his nose despite the fact that he was hiding under the table’s umbrella, "No girls."

Rick grunted, watching the waves lap the side of his family’s swimming pool. "Yeah, well, it’s not like you were getting any!"

"Yeah," Toby shot back, exasperated, "And at this rate, I WON’T, either, all summer!"

Lon leaned up and pushed his lank blond hair out of his eyes, "Dude, you wouldn’t be getting anything from that bunch at school, anyway. They’re more concerned at this point about whether their sweaters are fashionable than the bumps underneath them that WE want to touch! Besides, they don’t know squat about how to please a man and it’ll be a while before it becomes important to most of 'em…"

Rick eyed his friend, scratching his head, his thick, curly, medium-brown locks rippling, "So, what are you saying, Man?"

Lon swept his gaze over his friends, smiling. "Look, girls our age are great display pieces. They look great — but they don’t know shit, and they’re not in their prime, sexually — whereas WE are!"

"Yeah…" Toby eyed his more athletic friend (not to mention big man on campus ) sidelong. "So what are we SUPPOSED to be hunting?"

"Women in their mid-thirties," Lon replied, smiling as he tilted up his can for another self-satisfied sip.

Toby rolled his eyes. "Like THAT’s gonna happen! Girls our age are tough enough! Where are we gonna find older women who will pay any attention to us? Heck, where are we gonna find older women, period!"

Lon shrugged. "They’re around. Close in, even. Rick’s mama, for instance — she’s hot…"

Fifteen feet away, Jean Flanders froze, her hands in the sink. She’d been doing dishes, listening with amusement to the testosterone-fired angst of the three young men through the kitchen window. Lon’s comment, however, floored her!

Outside, Rick rolled his eyes. "Okay, there’s some justice in that — but the problem is right there in what you said, Man! She’s my mom!"

Lon shrugged. "She’s not MY mom — and she’s not Toby’s, either!"

Of all the gall! Jean fumed. 'I can NOT believe he’s coming out with that… '

"So what am I supposed to do, in the unlikely event that you could sleaze your way into my mother’s panties?" Rick wanted to know.

Lon had an answer, though. "Do mine, of course!" he laughed.

"Are you serious, Man?" Rick eyed his friend like he had two heads.

"Completely," Lon replied. "In the last year, Mama’s been dating younger and younger dudes — Hell, at this point, her dates can barely get into bars and buy liquor! Three or four more years won’t mean much to her — especially when she realizes that there is an increase in performance to be had!"

Rick snorted laughter. Toby shook his head, smiling. The shit Lon came out with … There WAS some truth to it, though — they’d all seen the young guys that Lon’s mother Candace had been stalking lately.

Jean, now actively eavesdropping, thought, Wait until Candace hears THIS! Of course, Lon was right — but that wouldn’t keep Candace from being embarrassed. Maybe she would wake up and fly right when Jean rubbed her nose in what her own son thought of her amorous adventures…

Lon sat up and assumed a serious expression. "Dudes, I’m not kidding, here! We have our own little pool of mature, womanly charms, ripe for the taking! I propose we make a pact: Each of us looks the other way while the other two put the moves on his mother!"

"You’re shitting me, right?" Rick gasped.

"Uh uh. Think about it — it’s not a cold contact thing; each of our mothers knows the other two guys, so we’re not chasing down some MILF in the supermarket and trying to hit her up while discussing how ripe the melons are…" Lon argued.

Toby looked downcast. "That might work for you two guys, but I don’t see where I have anything to offer. Ma is…"

"Porky?" Lon grinned to take the sting out while Toby’s eyes flashed. "She’s not THAT big, Man — and she has the biggest hooters in the group!"

"So," Toby eyed Lon sidelong, "You’d do her?"

"Lookin' forward to it," Lon grinned, swilling down another sip of soda. Lowering the can, he flicked a glance at Rick. "You’d do her, right?"

"Yeah," Rick agreed. Toby’s mother Beth was short, chunky, and kind of matronly — but she DID have big hooters. In fact, when you looked at her as someone to stick your dick into (something Rick hadn’t really done, to this point), she had three or four other things going for her; she was sweet-faced, had big, full lips — and a good-sized ass wasn’t ALWAYS a bad thing. And there was something indefinable about her personality — something passive…

Toby stared myopically at his eyeglasses while he wiped a smear of suntan oil off the right lens, thinking, then announced, "Well, it’s possible, I guess — although she hasn’t been out since Dad left her…" Suddenly, he assumed a furtive expression, glancing around, "Hey, this is, like, privileged info, but…" He glanced around again. "Ma’s got a vibrator and a couple of dildos — and she’s noisy when she uses 'em. I’ve jacked off a BUNCH of times to the sound of her working it out…"

"Holy shit!" Rick exclaimed. "What a picture THAT brings to mind!"

Lon snorted laughter. "See? Ripe for the picking!"

Jean shook her head, embarrassed for her friend. The boys were 'WAY over the line, here … She couldn’t believe that Lon was leading them off on this crazy fantasy — or that her own son, Rick, was making noises like he was serious about participating!

Lon turned to Rick. "So. My mama is chasing young dick, anyway, and Toby’s is suffering from lackanookie and can probably be brought down — that leaves yours…"

Rick shrugged. "Well, I’ve got no big secrets to air about Mom’s sex life. She’s shy. She’s been out a couple of times since Dad died, but as far as I can tell, nothing happened. I CERTAINLY can’t tell you what happens to her in the bathtub, or whatever…"

Lon shrugged. "Okay, so, do you think she’s shut the thing off?"

Rick shrugged. "Probably."

Lon sighed. "That’s a sin and a shame, Man — your Mama’s hot!" He settled back in his chair, musing, "Well, she’ll be a project, then…"

Jean stood there, blushing furiously. She was a project, was she? Embarrassment from the compliment mixed with outrage that a high school junior — well, senior, now, technically, since the boys would all be seniors in the fall — considered trying to seduce her to be a project !

Odd as it was, though, there WAS something complimentary about the whole thing. Even second-hand as it was, it was the most blatant recognition of her sexuality that had occurred in some time. Actually, when you thought about it, the fact that Lon didn’t know that she was overhearing him made the comments more believable, since Jean rightly assumed that Lon would level sleazy compliments at just about any woman who piqued his interest momentarily — and some that didn’t. Since Hugh died, male interest in a thirty-something, narrow, freckled redhead with a teenage son had been distinctly lacking, even after the grief backed off and she began to be able to give thought to the idea of having a new man in her life. Of course, she had limited assets — her 32A’s weren’t wildly exciting, even if they WERE perky and had spiky nipples — and there wasn’t a whole lot of ass, there, either … Candace had twice her figure, and when they went out together those couple of times, Candace collected all of the male attention while she kind of hung around, eclipsed…