Kelly Jamieson - Lost and Found

She descended the wooden stairs to the beach, picked her way across the rocks dotting the sand, shivering in the cooling evening air.

Did she have to decide? Did she have to choose between having Derek and having a child? How much did she want a child?

She ached for a child. More than one child, but she wouldn’t get greedy. She wanted a family. She wanted to be a mother, more than anything she’d ever wanted in her life. Every nurturing, loving instinct in her ached to hold an infant in her arms, to know what it was like to have a baby feed from her breast, to guide and shape a little life into the best person he or she could be. It was the most important thing you could do.

She was never going to have a high-powered career. She’d changed jobs nine times in her life until she started this consulting business. She’d never quite found the right thing for her. And yeah, now she was doing well, but she just didn’t care that much. Well, she did care—she worked hard, did her best for her clients. Okay, she was even passionate about the issues she helped companies with. But that couldn’t compare to being a mother.

Oh, God. She sat down on a large flat rock, her favorite place to sit and stare out to sea. Wispy clouds hugged the horizon where ocean met sky, blurring the line. She bent her knees and wrapped her arms around her legs. The wind carried the briny scent of the ocean and the rhythmic whoosh of waves onto sand.

The tears had slowed, and she wiped one last one away, sniffled.

How much did she love Derek?

How bad was it that she even asked herself that question?

She closed her eyes, tipped her face up to the sky as if looking for divine guidance from above.

Perhaps the question should be, how much did Derek love her? If he wouldn’t even consider other ways for them to be parents, perhaps it was his love that was lacking.

Pain stabbed through her, physical, visceral.

She was never going to be a mother.

It was hard to talk in a place this loud. Nate wished they’d gone somewhere quieter because he was damn well going to find out what was going on with Derek and Krissa.

He stared hard at his friend across the small table where they sat perched on stools. He could barely see him through the dark glasses, but he’d tried removing them when they walked in. The dim lighting in the bar was still too hard on his eyes to forego them. Clinking glasses and the rumble of conversation and music swirled around them.

His fingers wrapped around the icy beer glass, slick with condensation.

“Krissa was pretty upset,” he said, marveling at his understatement. Seeing her like that had pulled at something inside him that had been dormant for a long time. The impulse to stride across the deck and tug her into her arms, tuck her against him and try to comfort her shocked him, unsettled him.

Derek met his stare and returned it. “You blame me.”

Nate tipped his head. “Is there someone else to blame?”

“How about her?”

What the fuck? Was Krissa cheating? “What are you saying?” He stared at Derek.

Derek sighed. “She won’t let things go when she gets an idea in her head. And she’s so emotional.”

Nate nodded. That was true. “What is it, Derek? I asked you before, but I’m asking again—are you fucking around on her?”

“No! Jesus. That’s not it.”

“Then what is it? I feel like I walked into the middle of a soap opera. It’s goddamn uncomfortable with all that tension snapping.”

Derek opened his mouth, then closed it. He rubbed his face. “Look I’m sorry, man. This is just really bad timing. Here’s the deal.” He lowered his eyes and stared into his beer glass. “Krissa and I have been trying to have a baby.”

Whoa. Nate’s mind raced ahead. If Krissa was that upset there must be serious problems. “Fuck. Don’t tell me. She can’t get pregnant.”

“Well. That’s what we thought. We’ve both been through a shitload of tests. Turns out it’s me.” He huffed out a short laugh. “Got no swimmers.”

Ah, hell. Nate said nothing. What could he say?

“We just found out yesterday. Got the good news from the doc.” Derek lifted his head and gave Nate a morbid grin. “At least now we know.”

That was shitty news. No man wanted to hear that. “Well. That really sucks, buddy.”

“Yeah. So that’s why I was out getting wasted last night. I know Krissa was pissed, but hell. I just felt like getting wasted.”

“I guess.”

Derek groaned, put his head in his hands, elbows on the table. “You have no idea, man. We’ve been trying for almost two years. The first year wasn’t bad—lots of fucking, anyway. Then it started to get tense. I felt all this…pressure. Felt like a goddamn loser.” He paused. “Like I wasn’t man enough to knock up my own wife. And Krissa…”

“What?”

He turned his head side to side in his hands. “Well, if it wasn’t for her wanting this baby so much, I wouldn’t have…wouldn’t have…fuck.” He lifted his head and reached for his drink.

Silence fell between them, in the middle of the crowded, boisterous bar. A group of women winding their way through the tables paused beside them. “Hi, guys,” said one of them with an “I’m available” smile. She was cute, a California blonde with a tan and big hooters. Nate gave her an “I’m not interested” half-smile. Derek looked her up and down and smiled, too.

“Hi,” he said. Nate scowled at him. The blonde caught the look and they all moved on.

“What the hell?” Nate growled. “You’re married, asshole.”

“I just said hi.” His eyes followed blondie. “She’s cute.”

“You have a fucking gorgeous wife who loves you at home, crying her eyes out.”

“Yeah.” Derek swiveled his gaze back to Nate. “I know.”

“So why’s she crying tonight? You guys were supposed to be talking things over.”

“She wants to adopt a baby.”

“Ah.” Nate sipped his beer, cold, bitter, biting. “There you go. Adoption.”

“No way.” Derek shook his head vigorously. “I don’t want to adopt. Doesn’t work for me.” He gave Nate a condensed version of the discussion, including the artificial insemination option and his reasons for not wanting either of those.

No wonder Krissa was sad.

“You get it, don’t you?” Derek leaned forward, a crease between his dark blond eyebrows.

“You’d rather break your wife’s heart and never have a family than adopt or have artificial insemination.”

“Well…yeah. Hey, her heart’s not broken. She’ll get over it. She always does. Krissa just likes to keep things peaceful.”

Nate studied his buddy. How much did she let Derek get away with? He frowned at his beer.

“How would you feel, man? If it was you.”

Nate’s mind wandered back in time and his stomach rolled over. The past was all tangled up in betrayal and lies and heartache. Trying to put himself in Derek’s shoes was a bad idea.

“I don’t know,” he said with a hitch of a shoulder. He stared at a drop of water on the table. “Doesn’t matter how I’d feel.”

“But if you couldn’t have a baby—would you adopt?” Derek’s eyebrows rose, then lowered again into a frown.

“Sure. Maybe.”

“Bullshit.”

“Lots of people do it. Even people who can have kids adopt. How about a baby from China? I know people who’ve done that.”

“Uh…don’t think so.”

“Why not? It’s a good thing to do.”

“Well, yeah, but…I don’t know. I guess I’m not very good at explaining this.”

“Never mind.” Nate didn’t care. “It’s your decision. Well, yours and Krissa’s.”

“It’s my decision. I’m the one shooting blanks.”