“Yes.”
“You were…devastated.”
She couldn’t deny it.
She saw his throat work, saw his struggle for words. He ran a hand through his hair. “I knew then…” He stopped. “I knew we were in trouble.”
She let his words sink into her numbed mind. “We’ve been in trouble for a long time.”
He nodded, pain etched on his face. “Yeah,” he whispered.
“I wanted to be mad at you,” she said. She stared across the room. “I am mad at you. But…I slept with another man.”
“With Nate.”
“Yes.” She turned her head sharply. “Not with anyone else.”
“I know.”
“For a while, I thought maybe…it was the same thing. And I shouldn’t be mad at you because you were just doing the same thing I’d done.”
He was silent.
“But it’s not the same thing.”
Derek still said nothing.
“You didn’t really tell me why.”
He nodded. “Tonight—I needed someone. You weren’t there for me.”
She supposed that was true.
“The other time…shit.” He rubbed his eyes. “You know how hard this has been. Trying to get pregnant. All those failures. Every time, I felt like crap. You made me feel like I couldn’t give you what you wanted. Like I was a big loser.”
“I made you feel that way?” She sat up straighter.
“Hell, yeah. Fuck, I couldn’t get my own wife pregnant. I felt like I wasn’t a man. But I could—”
“Get with any other woman you wanted,” she finished bitterly. He didn’t confirm what she’d said. “The last time was the day we found out about your sperm count. You went to her…”
He nodded, closed his eyes.
“Why didn’t you come to me?” Her voice shook.
He covered his face with his hands. “I told you. You made feel like a useless piece of shit.”
Her heart squeezed so hard she thought she might be having a heart attack. She put a hand to her chest and rubbed, tried to breathe.
“It’s hard on a man,” he continued hoarsely. “To be told you’re not really a man.”
“It was hard on me!” She grabbed his hands and yanked them away from his face, wanting him to look at her. “It was hard on both of us! But I didn’t blame you!”
“I felt like you did.”
“Oh my God.” She stared at him. “What did I…” Had she blamed him for their problems? She’d always felt like he’d blamed her. Like she was the problem. She couldn’t get pregnant, and it was her fault they were even putting themselves through that, because she was the one who wanted a baby so badly. When they’d found out it was Derek, she hadn’t blamed him for that…had she?
She put her fingertips to her eyes and pressed. The pounding in her head increased. Her fingers came away wet.
“So you went to other women to make yourself feel like a man again.”
“I wasn’t thinking about it like that. But…I guess that’s it. I’m sorry, Krissa. I truly am. I love you.” His voice splintered.
She shook her head. “I don’t think you do.”
“I do, Krissa, believe me, I do.”
“You wouldn’t do that if you loved me,” she said slowly. “And you wouldn’t have let me sleep with another man if you loved me.”
“That was…Christ. I didn’t realize what a mistake that was going to be. I just thought you two would…”
“Fuck?” she provided helpfully, harshly.
“Well, yeah. I thought it was a way to give you what you want, and I…wanted to…”
“I know. You wanted to watch. It turned you on seeing me with another man, didn’t it?”
His mouth a hard line, eyes shadowed, he gave a short nod.
“Did it ease your guilt? About screwing around on me? Watching me with another man?”
“Oh, hell, Krissa. I don’t…” The words tore from his throat. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Her lips pursed and her eyes stung. It hurt to swallow.
“I saw the look on your face when Nate left this afternoon,” he said again. “You’ve fallen in love with him, haven’t you?”
“I don’t know.”
They sat there, silence building around them, the house dark and silent, the only sound the rasp of Derek’s breathing.
“How many times have you screwed around?” she asked him. “I know of twice. Was there more?”
He shook his head.
“There must have been.” She remembered having this conversation once before in their marriage and him denying it. “Two years ago. I asked you then…you said no. But you were, weren’t you?”
He turned his head away.
“Derek. That was before we’d even gotten into the whole pregnancy mess. Did you even cheat before then?” Her voice rose to a squeak.
“No.”
“You did.” She leaned forward, determined to hear the truth. She put a hand on his chest and gave him a shove. “Tell me. Who was it that time?”
“I can’t.”
“What?” She grabbed his shirt in her fist and yanked. “What? Tell me! Tell me now!”
“No! Jesus, Krissa, let it go, it was a long time ago and she’s dead, for God’s sake!”
Krissa released her grip on his shirt and sat back. “She’s…dead?”
Her mind immediately connected several dots and had a picture. Two years ago. Her suspicions about an affair. Lauren’s funeral. How Derek had remained beside her coffin after everyone else had left. The desolation on his face. At the time, the extent of his grief had surprised her—but everyone had been upset about Lauren’s death.
She covered her mouth with her hands, staring at him. “Oh my God, Derek. Did you have an affair with Lauren?”
He stared back at her. “Why would you think that?” But his gaze shifted away.
“It was Lauren. I can’t believe you.” She moved away from him, shaking her head. Her breath stuck in her throat. “Oh, dear God. It was you.”
He said nothing, stood and walked to the doors overlooking the dark ocean, his back to her.
Not only had he betrayed her, he’d betrayed his best friend.
“Is that why Nate left?”
He nodded, shoulders hunched.
“I can’t believe you told him.”
“I didn’t mean to. I never meant for him to know. Lauren wanted to leave him, wanted me to leave you, but she was killed in that car accident…so I never would have told Nate.”
“Were you going to leave me?” she whispered, pain crawling over her body, cutting her open. She pressed her fingertips to her mouth.
He turned. “I don’t know.” Then, “No. I love you, Krissa. I didn’t want to leave you. She was just lonely and pissed off at Nate for leaving her alone for so long.”
“Dear sweet God.”
Her mind reeled again. Could she take any more of this? The shock and pain of these confessions sapped her strength and crippled her ability to function.
“How could you do that to him?” she whispered through her fingers, not sure if he could even hear her, but then, she didn’t expect an answer. “How could I have loved you?”
“Krissa. God, Krissa.” His voice was thick and across the room she saw the glimmer of tears on his face from the moonlight shining in the glass doors. “If it wasn’t for this whole obsession with having a baby, none of this would have happened.”
She let his words sink into her. And then…something broke inside her. Something snapped, emotion welled up inside her fierce and hot, her control ripped away. She hated conflict, hated fighting. She’d accepted the blame for everything that had gone wrong for years. For her whole life, in fact.
She was done with that. She wasn’t going to take the blame any more.
“Shut up.”
He stared back at her. She, too, rose to her feet and wrapped her arms around her waist.
“This is not my fault,” she spat at him. “You cheated on me with Lauren before any of that even started. You probably cheated before that and more times than I even know. I don’t care. You can tell me it was all my fault—that I made you feel less of a man.” Her tone scathed and she narrowed her eyes at him. “But you only felt the man you really are—a weak man, trying to blame someone else for your problems. For your sins. I never blamed you. I don’t know why you felt like that. I blamed myself.” She took a breath.
Читать дальше