Susan Pfeffer - This World We Live In

I’ll be glad for me. Once Alex is gone, I’ll never have to think of him again. I’ll throw him onto the mound of bodies and forget I ever met him.

Why not? He’s already forgotten me.

It stopped raining. The ground is nothing but mud.

“I don’t see how they could possibly go,” Mom said to Matt and Jon and me at our rice and beans breakfast. “The convent is ninety miles from here. That’s a four-day walk.”

“They might be able to pick up bikes on the way,” Matt said.

“They still have to find them,” Mom said. “And who knows where they’ll sleep. They’ve got to wait for things to dry out before they go.”

That was all Jon needed to hear. Off he ran.

“I hope they’re gone,” Matt said. “The longer they stay, the harder it’s going to be on Jon. And I’ll be just as glad never to see Alex again.”

“Why do you say that?” Mom asked.

“He’s a parasite,” Matt said. “He’s a danger chopping wood. I’m always worried he’s going to cut off one of his fingers or one of mine. I don’t think he’s done a day’s worth of physical labor in his life. He sits and he reads and he eats our food. Which we’ll run out of soon enough anyway.”

“It’s thanks to Alex we have food,” I said. “He’s the one who found it and figured out how to get it back here. He was the one who made us search the whole house.” I pictured the half-eaten man and shuddered.

“It’s great you found all that food,” Matt said. “But it isn’t going to happen again. In the meantime Alex eats what little we have. And I don’t like the way he plays up to Dad.”

“He doesn’t play up to Dad,” I said. “Dad loves him. There’s a difference.”

“Why does Dad love him, then?” Matt said. “It’s not because of anything he does.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “But Dad loves Syl, too, and she doesn’t do anything, either.”

“Miranda,” Mom said, but it was too late.

“Don’t you ever speak about my wife that way!” Matt shouted. “She’s given up everything to be with me!”

“To get your food, you mean!” I shouted right back. “To have a place to sleep and people who wait on her hand and foot!”

We were sitting on the floor around the woodstove. Matt lunged for me.

“Matt, stop it!” Mom screamed, and I think that startled Matt into stopping. I got up and ran out of the sunroom, down the path to Mrs. Nesbitt’s.

Matt’s my big brother. We used to fight when we were kids. But he always knew when to stop.

This time I don’t think he would have known when.

I found Alex standing outside the house, checking the sky, examining the mud. I ran straight into his arms, and before I could catch my breath, we were kissing. No rage this time. Just hunger and need.

“No,” he said. At least that’s what I think he said. I know I wouldn’t have thought it on my own.

“Stay with us,” I said. “Don’t leave me.”

“I have to,” he said. “Julie can’t stay here. We’ve got to go.”

“But I don’t want you to!” I cried like a five-year-old.

Alex kissed me and I didn’t feel five anymore. I wasn’t a kid having a tantrum because someone took my favorite toy. I was a woman, and this was the man I wanted, and I was losing him.

We held on to each other, not wanting the moment to end, because when it did, our life together would also end. Our kisses grew deeper, our hands explored more, we gave each other all we could in that single passing moment.

Matt’s gone back to chopping wood. He insisted Jon work with him.

Mom and I cleaned the house. Charlie dropped by to invite us over for Sunday prayers and dinner.

“How’s Julie doing?” Mom asked.

“She’s a little better,” Charlie said. “The cough medicine seems to have helped. Hal’s convinced Alex to stay until Tuesday. Let’s hope the weather’s better this week.”

“I think I’ll see how she’s doing,” I said. “Mom, is there anything I can bring?”

“I don’t think so,” Mom said. “I gave them the last of our cough medicine.”

“Well, I’ll check and see, anyway,” I said. I didn’t even sound convincing to myself.

When I got there, Lisa was playing with Gabriel. Of course once he saw me, he began crying.

“He’s allergic to me,” I said, and Lisa laughed.

“He’s ready for his nap,” she said. “Julie’s resting now. Alex is in the parlor, though, if you want to see him.”

“I guess so,” I said, and walked through the house as casually as I could. All I wanted to do was fling myself into his arms. Alex must have felt the same way because he gestured for me to be quiet. We slipped out the front door and ran far from the house.

“This is wrong,” he said as we embraced. “We have to stop.”

“Stopping is wrong,” I said, kissing him to prove my point.

He pulled away. “Miranda, listen to me,” he said. “We can’t do this. I’m leaving in two days. I’ll never see you again. You have to believe that.”

It’s funny. That’s all I’ve heard for weeks now, how Alex and Julie will be leaving. Maybe because they talk and talk and talk about it but never actually go, I’ve stopped believing it.

“What if Julie isn’t ready?” I asked. “What if she’s still sick next week?”

“She can’t be,” Alex said. “I have to get her to the sisters while I can. She has to be with people who’ll protect her.”

“You’ll protect her,” I said. “We’ll protect her. And don’t use Carlos as an excuse anymore. He’s thousands of miles away. You’re here. I’m here. Explain why getting Julie to the convent is more important than you and me. Because I try to understand, Alex. I hear the words, but I don’t get the meaning.”

Alex kissed me, and when he held on to me, I felt how reluctant he was to open up, how scared.

“It’s all right,” I said. “Just tell me.”

He looked straight at me, and once again I could see all the suffering in his eyes. “New York was very bad,” he said. “Every day you’d think, Well this is as bad as it can get, and then it got worse. I saw things, I did things, things I never want you to know.”

“You could tell me anything,” I said, but he interrupted me.

“I love you for thinking that, but you’re wrong,” he said. “You can’t imagine what things were like. Carlos couldn’t understand. He got to Texas in the very beginning, and the Marines have fed him, sheltered him, protected him.”

“Has Julie seen those things?” I asked.

He nodded.

“She survived,” I said. “I could, too. Alex, don’t feel like you have to protect me. That’s not what I want.”

“I can’t protect you,” he said. “I can’t protect anyone. I can’t even do what Carlos tells me and get Julie to the convent. The rain stops me. You stop me.”

I kissed him, hoping the gift of my love could ease his pain. But he broke away.

“I won’t let Julie suffer,” he said. “I tried to tell Carlos but I couldn’t. There is too much past history between us.”

“Julie doesn’t have to suffer,” I said. “Not if she stays with us.”

He shook his head. “You have no control,” he said. “None of us do. Not over what might happen. I have only one way left to protect Julie. Everything else I’ve tried has failed.”

“What?” I asked, figuring he’d say faith or prayers or the church.

Alex took a deep breath. “Pills,” he said. “Sleeping pills. Six of them. I got them in New York. I keep them for her.”

“So she can sleep?” I asked.

“So she won’t ever wake up,” Alex said.

“Six pills wouldn’t be enough,” I said, like if I told him that, he would laugh at how silly he was, and nothing would matter except us.