Дэвид Нордли - How Beer Saved the World

EU-4356: Murray, them Skypigs trying to pull you over(15) in the middle of a planet-cracking attack? That don’t seem right at all.

EA-29384XB: Not sure. They just went all quiet on me.

GA-54: Odds are the vacuum porkers(16) didn’t even listen to their own emergency notice. Fat Squirrel’s gonna get a load ticket, and we’re gonna watch the Whisky Cooler blow while he does. Typical.

CA-936: Dammit all, Murray, just get the hell out of there. Let them match your vector if they want to board. Don’t let them get you…

SP-1: This is Space Patrol One to EA-29384XB. Fat Squirrel, you are hereby ordered, not requested, to set vector as previously mentioned, with an additional negative one-point-five Z.

EA-29384XB: Uh, SP-1, Fat Squirrel here. I copy your order and am complying. Course adjusting now. Can I ask the reason for this board?

SP-1: Mr. Squirrel, this is not a request to allow boarding. This is a requisition order under Space Patrol Charter, Section…

EA-29384XB: A requisition? What do the Skypigs need with a teralitre and a half of beer?

CA-936: Greedy sons of bitches, them Skypigs.

EU-4356: Hush now, Jimmy. Let the adults talk.

SP-1: Mr. Squirrel, please confirm that you have adopted the new heading and re-send vector data.

EA-29384XB: Uh, copy. Confirmed and complying, SP-1.

SP-1: Roger that. We are going to need you to make a 3.5G acceleration burn for thirty seconds at t-minus twenty-five…

EA-29384XB: 3.5G? That’s max burn forward! SP-1, I am currently attempting deceleration for in-system docking… that kind of burn is going to wreak havoc with Delta station.

SP-1: EA-29384XB, acknowledge 3.5G acceleration burn in t-minus thirteen…

EA-29384XB: On your head be it, then. Order acknowledged.

GA-54: Holy crap, anyone else look at the flight vectors on that burn?

SP-1: t-minus five

EA-29384XB: Firebarrel, this is Fat Squirrel, what do you…

SP-1: Initiate burn.

EA-29384XB: Burn Initiated. Firebarrel, what do you mean the flight vectors?

GA-54: Fat Squirrel, pull all incoming up on navcomp. I think the Skypigs are putting you on foxtrot six with the planet cracker.

(Investigator’s Note: A moment of silence follows this. An examination of the consoles of Leslie Malera aka Firebarrel, James Wotenheim aka Puddlestomper, and Gladys McHavernathy aka Hot Chicken show they all ran this simulation at roughly the same time. Judging by the following transmission, Mr. Williams ran a similar program, but due to the EM pulse of the blast we were unable to reconstruct his navcomp’s memory.)

EA-29384XB: Well, I’ll be. SP-1, you got any idea how I’m gonna…

CA-936: SP-1, this is CA-936, Puddlestomper piloting. Request that I be given vector to foxtrot six with incoming missile instead of Fat Squirrel.

GA-54: Jimmy! That’s one hell of an offer. You sure you want to do that?

CA-936: We can just emergency blow away from our loads once the course is set; shouldn’t get us caught in the blast. Only problem is, Murray’s about to blow up the first chance we had at real beer. I ain’t gonna drink no more kelp ifn’s I can help it.

SP-1: Puddlestomper, that’s a negative on your request. EA-29384XB is the closest vessel. In addition, we show that the cargo of EA-29384XB is almost entirely liquid, which should provide less dangerous shrapnel post-explosion. Fat Squirrel, we show appropriate course and speed. You may detach your cab at any time.

CA-936: (Investigator’s note: At this point in the recording, there is an open transmission from CA-936. No actual words can be heard, but closer inspection reveals a choked sob at one point during the transmission.)

EA-29384XB: Cargo away.

EU-4356: Goodbye, sweet lager. We hardly knew ye.

CA-936: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

GA-54: Jimmy, you know Shakespeare?

CA-936: Who?

GA-54: Nevermind.

EA-29384XB: SP-1, permission to vector away and burn an acceleration to avoid that blast?

SP-1: Standby.

EA-29384XB: Ummmm… SP-1? What, exactly, do you mean “standby”?

SP-1: Projected impact in t-minus three…

EA-29384XB: Oh, shi….

(Investigator’s note: At this point, the impact occurred. See our main report as well as the vector analysis of the remaining beer in Supplement D and the meteorological report detailing the pattern of the rain of beer on Europa for details on the explosion.)

EU-4356: Murray?

(Investigator’s note: A thirty-second silence follows this)

EU-4356: Fat Squirrel, this is Hot Chicken, please respond. Repeat, Fat Squirrel this is Hot Chicken, respond.

GA-54: I’m coming in from that side of the Whisky Cooler. Space Patrol One, this is GA-54, Firebarrel piloting. Request vector information to make visual check on projected intercept with Fat Squirrel.

SP-1: Standby.

GA-54: Of course. Another Standby.

(Investigator’s note: While there is a significant amount of displeasure at Sgt. Wilicutty displayed in this transcript, a review of this report as a whole should recommend him for significant commendation in his quick calculations. It is this investigator’s opinion that, without the heroic actions of Sgt. Wilicutty, Europa may very well have been victim to the Ganymedean rebel attack.)

EU-4356: Sons-of-bitches.

GA-54: Exactly. Ooo, I can see the blast site on my scope now. It’s a giant, expanding star, made of freezing beer. Here, I’m streaming it; check your visuals.

CA-936: It’s… beautiful.

SP-1: Firebarrel, permission to vector granted. Come to X negative twenty-two, Y twelve, Z eleven.

GA-54: Roger that. Initiating vector shift.

EU-4356: You see him, Leslie?

GA-54: Ummm… not yet. SP-1, do I have an ETA on contact?

SP-1: Stand…

GA-54: …by? How did I not see that coming. Ooo, there’s his cab. Pulling it up on scope now.

EU-4356: Do you see Murray? Is he OK?

GA-54: No, not yet. It’s pretty dark in… wait, there he is! He’s got a handlight, shining back and forth. It looks like he’s alive, but no power systems. SP-1, are you copying this? Fat Squirrel is alive but stranded on your projected course. No idea how much air he has in there.

SP-1: Copy that, Firebarrel. Deploying fast rescue units now.

EU-4356: Oh, thank God.

CA-936: Hey, SP-1, when you haul him outta that dead can of his, can you get us an ETA on the next shipment he’ll have coming in?

SP-1: Uh… standby.

(Investigator’s note: This transcript largely confirms all other reports contained herein. However, it does specifically contain the requisition language Big Larch Brewing has asked about. It would appear that, given Mr. William’s reticence to respond prior to being ordered, we are liable to Big Larch for the cost of one tanker truck and 1.5 Tl of beer. As this investigator is currently quartered on Delta Station, it is requested that recompensation be made with all due haste).

-END TRANSCRIPT-

(1) “Long haul from the Blue Dot”—Jargon for making the trip from Earth to the colonies on the Jovian Moons.

(2) Jupiter

(3) Slang for the fermented kelp beverage currently used as the primary intoxicant on the Jovian moons.

(4) Someone who works primarily from Earth

(5) “Empty air” does not refer to actual air. Rather, it refers to “air waves” of the late twentieth century, where atmospheric radio communications were the primary method of communication. Empty air simply means noone to talk to.

(6) Jovian Moons.

(7) To a higher orbit around Jupiter

(8) Io, so named because of its many mountains and volcanoes.

(9) Ganymede, so named due to its very recent colonization.

(10) A person who drives at maximum acceleration until Rubicon, then maximum deceleration. A practice reviled by the truckers, as it tends to be out-of-control wealthy teenagers who can afford the massive fuel expense.