Дэвид Нордли - How Beer Saved the World

IO-3698: That’s a mighty fine deal you have for yourself, there.

EU-4356: I don’t know, Hank. That’s a long haul with nothing but empty air(5) to keep you company.

EA-29384XB: Yeah, but once the burn is made you can just leave Newton in the driver’s seat and do’s you like. I’ve been tying my own flies; next cycle I get off, going to head to the woods for some trout fishin.

EU-4356: I guess if that’s your thing. Me, I like the short hops between the pinballs.(6) Good money, decent company.

CA-936: And now actual beer!

IO-3698: I am sad to miss that. I’m burning outcycle(7) from the Flaming Pincushion (8) to the New Kid (9) with another load of hydroponic equipment.

CA-936: Hank, them rebs is just filling your wallet, ain’t they?

IO-3698: Heh, that’s an affirm, Jimmy. Every time the militants torch another station, I get to make another run. Their little crusade against dependence on the inner moons is just crazy talk, but it is lucrative.

EA-29384XB: Hey, Hank, I haven’t been keeping up on you pinballs. What’s going on over on the New Kid?

IO-3698: Oh, nothing but the usual. Every time there’s a new colony, at some point they decide to get all political. It’s fool-talk if you ask me, to call yourself independent and then blow up the machinery what keeps you fed.

EU-4356: Ain’t nothing but a lot of hogwash. They’ll settle down, soon enough. Once more people move to a colony, it starts to get domestic-like. It’s just that the sort of folk who like to be first to colonize are also the sort of folk who don’t want anyone to be second. It’ll sort out in the long run.

IO-3698: In the meantime, I get to haul replacement equipment.

CA-936: Time you get back, like as not Jenny’ll be sold out of Fat Squirrel’s load.

IO-3698: What the hell was that?

CA-936: Aw, shucks Hank, I’se just pullin yer chain. I’ll make sure we save a drop of…

IO-3698: No, not you. I mean what in tarnation just went past me? I had something long and narrow just buzz my rig.

EU-4356: Joyguzzlers? (10)

IO-3698: Maybe. They look to be on course for the Whisky Cooler(11), but if so they’re way past Rubicon and still accelerating.

CA-936: Drunk Joyguzzlers? You think one of the Skypigs(12) can get them towed off collision?

IO-3698: Not sure. I’m about to head out of range of this sat, though; if someone else wants to try to get ahold of Skypig local about it, maybe.

EU-4356: Copy that, Old Henry. I’m on it. You have a good flight.

(Investigator’s Note: It was at this point in time that Gladys McHavernathy, aka Hot Chicken, contacted Space Patrol HQ on Europa via direct com channel. Please refer to this report’s Supplement C for a full transcript of that conversation. A pause occurs in the laser relay’s recordings at this point, roughly the length of that phone conversation. It appears that the timestamps on our inboard calls and the laser relay station match.)

EU-4356: All right, the Skypigs are looking into Old Henry’s contact. We’ll let them deal with it.

GA-54: Breaker, breaker one-nine-six. This is Firebarrel. I just passed Old Henry goin the other way; any you have word on them joyguzzlers of his on a foxtrot-six(13) with the Whisky Cooler?

CA-936: Firebarrel, this is Puddlestomper. Always good to see your fine self flying into Europa local. I believe Hot Chicken’s been on the line with the Skypigs about them joyguzzlers. You headed for an offload at Delta station?

GA-54: That’s an affirm, Puddlestomper. You going to try to invite me for another round of greengrog? I don’t recall the last time going so well.

CA-936: I think it went all right, but that’s none to the point. We got us Fat Squirrel here in Europa local, and he’s about to fill up Delta Station with honest-to-God beer from the blue dot.

GA-54: Jimmy, if you’re pulling my leg I’m going to find you on Delta and smack you so hard your last remaining teeth will…

EA-29384XB: Firebarrel, this is Fat Squirrel. I can’t vouch none for Jimmy’s tolerableness on a date, but he ain’t lyin’ about the beer. I’ve got me a teralitre and a half of Big Larch Lager on its way to Delta, ETA 1:32.

GA-54: Well, if that ain’t just a thing to get a girl’s attention. Jimmy, I do believe I’ll take you up on your offer to buy me one.

EA-29384XB: Puddlestomper, I think you owe me for getting you a second date.

CA-936: That’s an affirm, Fat Squirrel. We’ll catch up on Delta. Maybe I can set you up with my cousin Doreen. She’s not as pretty as Leslie out there, but she’s got most’er teeth an’ she cooks a fine stew. Maybe I’ll get her on a shuttle up to Delta, see’s if you two…

SP-1: This is an activation of the Emergency Lightcast System. This is not a test. Please stay tuned to this channel for further instructions. Repeat. This is an activation of the Emergency Lightcast System. This is not a test. Please stay tuned to this channel for further instructions.

(Investigator’s Note: This announcement is followed by a standard fifteen-second two-tone alarm. Once the ELS is activated, inbound and outbound signals from the relay station are blocked for the duration of the emergency broadcast. Therefore, we have no recordings of the assorted trucker’s transmissions during this time.)

SP-1: This is the Emergency Lightcast System. An object accelerating at a high rate of speed toward the crust of Europa is hereby confirmed to be a rebel missile. Current analysis suggests that this missile is of the planet-cracking variety. We ask all citizens not to panic. We do not have Space Patrol craft on course capable of interception. We ask all citizens not to panic. All spacefaring vehicles in Europa Local, please forward vehicle specification and current vectors to 65.334.2305.67 for immediate processing. Repeat…

(Investigator’s note: This message repeats itself three times prior to allowing normal conversation to resume. In the interest of brevity, I have not included all three repetitions in transcribing this recording. However, they should be taken into account given any potential analysis of timing.)

GA-54: Did he just say planet-cracker?

CA-936: That’s an affirm, Leslie. New plan, how’s about you and I burn our vector up to high orbit around the crush ball?

GA-54: Nice thought, Jimmy, but I’m way past Rubicon on the Ice to Ice run.(14) Gonna reaccelerate incycle and try to burn to low orbit.

CA-936: Damn it all, we just turned into ships passing in the night. T’ain’t nearly as romantic-like as it sounds.

EU-4356: Give it up, Jimmy, it was never meant to be anyways. Firebarrel, I’m going to be joining you on that incycle burn; I’m swinging around towards Delta station and am about to burn to break orbit. Fat Squirrel, you got yourself an way out?

EA-29384XB: Well, I’m coming in hot, figure I’ll bust past and back outcycle with Jimmy if I…

SP-1: EA-29384XB, This is Space Patrol One. Please copy.

EA-29384XB: Shit, boys, I think I’m in trouble for something. Ok, SP-1, this is EA-29384XB, Fat Squirrel in the driver’s seat. I copy.

SP-1: Er, yes. Mr. Squirrel, you are hereby requested to vector towards X thirty-five degrees, Y seventy-two degrees, Z negative forty-eight degrees. Please confirm.

EA-29384XB: Uh, SP-1, this is Fat Squirrel. I copy your request of X thirty-five, Y seventy-two, Z negative forty-eight. Is this an official order? I am currently on a course confirmed in flight plan number…

SP-1: Standby.

(Sergeant Greg Wilicutty’s report is available as supplement A. Based on timestamps it is reasonable to say that during the interim period when Sgt. Wilicutty is absent from this transcript, he is confirming the requisition order from his superior officers.)