Фил Фоглио - Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

Another section of the square was bustling with activity of a different sort, and from her time in the circus, Agatha recognized the signs of a large communal kitchen being set up. Enormous pots and tables had been produced, and a steady stream of people and constructs were lugging sacks and casks from every direction. Several dozen fires and stoves were lit, and rows of portable food carts, grills smoking, already had the mouth-watering aromas of grilled meat and onions, bread and other savories beginning to spread. Wagons overloaded with gigantic barrels appeared, pulled by cheerful-looking constructs who had the bodies of burly men and the heads of horses. They set up and began to dispense water, beer, wine, and several things that Agatha was unable to identify, though the people drinking it seemed very pleased to get it.

Progress towards the entrance to the cathedral was slow, as at almost every step a fresh crowd of townspeople saw her and spent several minutes roaring their approval, evidently at her mere existence. It was the release of the pent-up fears and frustrations of almost sixteen years, and Agatha realized that there was no way to safely circumvent it.

Along the way, the Castle provided a running commentary about the state of the town, informing her when the last of the fires were extinguished and the final roads cleared. Officials kept appearing, ostensibly to report to Vanamonde but, in actuality, to get close to Agatha and see she was actually, really, finally here. By the time she reached the base of the cathedral stairs, this group had formed a crowd within the crowd. But then, as she ascended the stairs, the people around her began to fall away, until only Tarvek, Van, Krosp, and Mamma remained. Even they halted as she climbed the last few steps. Finally, when she reached the great threshold before the enormous carved doors, she turned and saw the entire population of Mechanicsburg—humans and clanks, constructs and monsters—assembled silently before her. Agatha blew a lock of hair out of her face.

When she spoke, she heard her voice was again amplified and easily carried to the back of the crowd. “I am Agatha Heterodyne. Daughter of William Heterodyne and his wife Lucrezia.” Cheers erupted and continued for almost a minute.

She gestured towards the Castle. “The Castle has been repaired and recharged. The prisoners who survived have been freed, as per the agreement, and they are here among you.” More subdued cheers this time.

“As you may have guessed, our relations with the outside world are off to a rocky start. I am told this is normal.” Nervous laughter skittered through the crowd.

“However this is due to a misunderstanding. I desire nothing more than friendly and profitable relations with the empire, as well as the rest of Europa.” Enthusiastic cheering, especially from the merchants.

“BUT, until we clear this misunderstanding up, there will be problems we will all have to deal with. However I know that there is no other place I’d rather be, and no other people I’d rather have in my camp. Thank you.”

This time the cheering went on for quite a while and, in several places, showed no signs of stopping. Tarvek climbed up, clapping softly. “Very well done indeed!”

Agatha slumped and smiled. “Really? Because I thought I was going to pass out.”

“You’re probably starving,” Krosp declared. “I know I am.”

Agatha realized this was one of the most sensible things she had heard in the last hour. “You’ve convinced me!” She turned to Van. “Let’s go take care of all that stuff so I can officially rule Mechanicsburg with an iron fist!” She poked Van hard in the shoulder. “But after that, I’d better see some cake.”

Tarvek glanced at her. “You know, there’s more to being an evil despot than getting cake whenever you want it.”

Agatha thought about this and was filled with a sudden conviction, one that would stand the test of time through everything else that happened to her through the years. “If that’s what you think, then you’re doing it wrong.”

END

APPENDIX

The Original Mechanicsburg Song

As we mentioned towards the tail end of our last chapter, the Lady Heterodyne heard the townspeople singing. Initially, she thought she was hearing the familiar “Mechanicsburg Tourism Song,” which can be heard throughout Europa wherever travel agents are established, and the full text of which can be found in our previous volume (Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle). This iteration of the song was composed close to twenty years ago by the popular balladeer, sophisticate, and bon vivant, Thomas (Tom) Smith.

That, however, is not the original song, which is what the Lady Heterodyne actually heard.

Monsieur Smith was indeed hired by the newly empire-empowered Mechanicsburg City Council for his musical abilities, but his task was to alter the original anthem that had been sung by the town’s inhabitants, in one form or another, for over three hundred years, as it was felt this song would not portray the newly domesticated town in the most desirable light to outsiders.

These days, while the more palatable song is still known abroad, within the Valley of the Heterodyne, it is the original that has returned to everyday usage. We present it here, published for the first time.

Mechanicsburg, Mechanicsburg,

You’re wise to fear Mechanicsburg!

A name that causes nightmares from

Zelenograd to Rome.

Mechanicsburg, Mechanicsburg,

The Heterodynes’ Mechanicsburg,

The scourge of Europa and

The place that we call home.

How mighty are her mighty walls,

How deadly are her clanks,

How impassible her mountains tall,

With monsters in their endless ranks.

The Heterodynes, they rule us all.

We load their guns, we forge their steel,

We know their house will never fall,

They keep us safe beneath their heel.

Mechanicsburg, Mechanicsburg,

We live to serve Mechanicsburg,

With blood and sweat and hearts and mind,

With every erg and ohm.

Mechanicsburg, Mechanicsburg,

The greatest burg you’ve ever heard of,

Scourge of Europa and

The place that we call home.

Scourge of Europa and

The place that we call home.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Kaja Foglio attended the Fine Arts Department of the University of Washington, where she learned how to see past the faзade of cultural stereotypes surrounding an object, be able to discern the artistic principles that said object was attempting to express and then elucidate these principles with an awareness of the artist’s purpose while acknowledging (without necessarily condoning) said artist’s own cultural biases and place in history, and not be embarrassed to ask people for money for doing so. Her first professional art job was for a small, independent, Seattle game start-up called Wizards of the Coast, for whom she produced several iconic Magic: The Gathering cards. The company she set up to sell art prints, Studio Foglio, later morphed into a publisher of books and comics, for which, thanks to the rigors of her university training, she is not at all embarrassed to ask for money.

Phil Foglio has toiled in the fields of science fiction, comics and gaming since the 1970s. He won a pair of Fan Artist Hugo Awards in ’77 and ’78. He produced What’s New With Phil & Dixie for Dragon Magazine, adapted Robert Asprin’s Mythadventures for WARP Graphics, and independently published his own comic series Buck Godot-Zap Gun For Hire and XXXenophile, as well as doing work for DC, Marvel, Dark Horse, and a depressingly long list

of no longer existing companies. He has done work for numerous game companies, including Wizards of the Coast (Magic: The Gathering and Roborally), Steve Jackson Games (S.P.A.N.K. and GURPS IOU), Cheapass Games (Deadwood Studios and BRAWL), and Spiderweb Software (Avernum). He co-wrote the frankly silly science-fiction novel Illegal Aliens with Nick Pollotta. In his spare time, he did some medieval dancing and improv sketch comedy.