Роберт Рэнкин - The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag

'˜No, it was out here. The least most obvious place for it to be. He had Roger Vulpes contact his fiancГ©e in her dreams. She always dreamed of him, so that part was easy.'

'˜And Roger Vulpes' fiancГ©e was whom?'

'˜My chauffeur.'

'˜Carry on.'

'˜Roger Vulpes spoke to her in her dreams. And while she was asleep he had her take off her gloves. She couldn't have done that while she was awake, she didn't' have my permission.'

'˜Ah yes,' said the doctor. '˜These were the special gloves you'd made for her, the ones with the pleaser linings.'

'˜Exactly. I never noticed that she'd taken them off. I never noticed.'

'˜So what did she do?'

'˜At the downloading suite in the Necrosoft Headquarters. After I'd been downloaded into the Necronet, she switched the headsets. Mine and this bastard whose body I'm now in. She switched them. When Henry Doors uploaded us, he uploaded me into this body and him into mine.

'˜Very cunning,' said the doctor. '˜Very clever plan.'

'˜Just let me make the phone call. Let me call Henry Doors, he'll know when I tell him, when I speak to him, he'll know it's me.'

'˜The number you gave us has been disconnected,' said the doctor. '˜This Henry Doors of yours seems to have gone to ground, as it were.'

'˜Let me free, you bastard! Let me free!'

'˜I think that's enough,' said the doctor. '˜You are clearly in a delusional state. We'd best get you some medication to calm you down.'

'˜No! Don't do that! No!'

The doctor reached for the little button on his desk and pushed it. The office door opened and a large male nurse stood looming.

'˜Nurse Cecil,' said the doctor. '˜Please take Mr, well, Mr Whomever-he-thinks-he-is-today back to his room, and-'

'˜Administer the medication, sir?'

'˜Administer the medication, yes.'

'˜No! No! No! No! No!'

'˜Shall I use the large needle, sir?'

'˜The very large one, nurse, yes please.'

I was hauled from the office and out into the corridor, booted along it and back into my room.

Well, I say my room.

But of course I wasn't me any more, was I?

The body might have once been mine.

But the mind that now dwelt within it was not.

It was the mind of Billy Barnes.

And so I gave him a kicking before I administered the medication.

Well, I say I.

I mean of course Nurse Cecil.

Except that Nurse Cecil's memory and personality had been temporarily downloaded into the Necronet and mine had been temporarily relocated inside his head. Well, you wouldn't begrudge me that extra little bit of triumph, would you?

'˜Here, shithead,' I said to Billy Barnes. '˜You'll never guess what I intend to do with this electric cattle prod.'

WAKE UP, CHIEF!

В '˜Oh, Barry, thanks, did I doze off again?'

'˜You did, chief, you were dreaming you were Billy Barnes.'

'˜Was that a nice dream, Barry, or a nightmare?'

'˜Probably a nice dream, chief, considering how things really worked out.'

'˜They didn't work out too well then?'

'˜Not too well.'

'˜But I can't remember what happened. I'm all confused, things just keep going round in circles again and again and again.'

'˜Like a serpent with its tail in its mouth, chief.'

'˜Just like that, Barry. Why is it so dark in here?'

'˜The cupboard door's locked.'

'˜Which cupboard's that?'

'˜The one where Billy keeps the voodoo handbag.'

'˜What voodoo handbag?'

'˜The one in the story.' What story?'

'˜The one that we're in. '˜And who are we?'

We're skulls on the voodoo handbag, chief.'

'˜What voodoo handbag?'

'˜The one in the story.'

'˜What story?'

'˜The one that we're in.'

'˜And who are we?'

'˜We're skulls on a voodoo handbag.'

'˜What voodoo handbag?'

'˜The one in the story.' What story?'

'˜The one that we're in.'

'˜And who are we?'

'˜We're-'

WAKE UP, CHIEF!

В '˜Oh, Barry, thanks. Did I doze off again?'

'˜You did, chief. And you mustn't do that. Not in your important role as World Leader.'

'˜Oh, yes. We pulled it off, didn't we? And you helped, I know you helped.'

'˜I might have slipped the occasional bit of inspiration in here and there, chief, made the lady chauffeur doze off at the appropriate moment so Roger could get your message to her, things of that nature.'

'˜You're a good lad, Barry. A regular Holy Guardian.'

'˜I aim to please, chief, I aim to please. Although sometimes I wonder.'

Wonder what, Barry?'

Wonder what we all sometimes wonder, I suppose, chief-'

WHETHER I'M DREAMING

YOU,

OR YOU'RE DREAMING

ME.

NECROSOFT WORLDWIDE NEWSFLASH

In an act of supreme mercy and humanitarianism, World Leader Billy Barnes ordered an eleventh-hour stay of execution for the revolutionary variously known as Lazlo Woodbine, Carlos the Chaos Cockroach et al. The World Leader said that he had no wish to take the life of a being so sadly deluded and utterly harmless. The death penalty would never again be used, he said. And the revolutionary would receive treatment at a secure institution.

In a move that stunned the world, Mr Barnes also chose this moment to announce that he is stepping down from office. In future, he said, democratically elected representatives of the people will rule in his place.

He also announced that, as of today, Necrosoft Industries would cease trading.

The world awaits further news.

'˜Nice one, chief.'

'˜Thanks, Barry.'

The popular 1950s BBC Radio ventriloquist

It is important to note that Rune uses the word solution here rather than theory. Rune's currency was Ultimate Truths. One of his many maxims was: '˜Once I have conclusively solved a problem, I do not refer to my solution as a theory.'

Mr Rankin would like to make it clear that as a Scotsman himself he does not consider this racial stereotyping.