Daphne Lamb: The Girl's Guide to the Apocalypse

She seemed uneasy. “We don’t like to talk about it.”

With that she walked away.

I toyed with getting confirmation on that urban legend, but in the argument for sleeping at night, I decided against it. It was away from the city, and it didn’t seem as if I had to fear of those roving gangs, given that I had been accepted into one that was just misunderstood.

At night, we gathered in the main room of the house. There was a broken down couch with one good cushion and an old Navajo blanket, so we took turns all sitting on them for comfort. It felt civilized so I didn’t mind so much. Getting splinters and tiny rocks in my backside didn’t seem so bad knowing that my turn with the cushion and blanket were always coming.

“You know,” I said. “It occurred to me that maybe if I give those closest to me a better goodbye, I’ll be able to face the future more grounded.”

“It’s an interesting idea,” Rachel said. “So many people I wish I could have said goodbye to, even though I don’t like thinking we’ll never see them again.”

We organized a mass funeral. We stuck sticks in the ground and wrote names corresponding to those we had lost. I made one for Jake, two for my parents and one for Bruce. We stood in a circle and each of us spoke of a memory of those being laid to rest. It came to my turn, and with hesitancy, I stepped forward.

I heavily cleared my throat. “Jake,” I said. “You had a heart so big that too many tried to fit inside and broke it for good.”

“What does that mean?” JB muttered.

I gave her the side eye and continued. “Bruce,” I said. “You had a passion for something, which I mocked. Not that you were a lousy smug actor, but because you truly loved something, which if that could be formulated, well, would probably make the world better. Or something.”

Brittany shook her head.

“Look, I’m not very good at speeches,” I said defensively. “Now if I may continue.” I took a deep breath. “Mom and Dad,” I said. “I’m sorry we didn’t get along. I thought your wine and cheese gallery shows were silly, which I still stand by, but at least you tried to bring beauty into this world. I’m sorry you were embarrassed that I followed a boy to the opposite coast who thought a writing career was really going to pan out instead of a better dream that would have made you proud.”

It was a lot of words that seemed to fall out of my mouth. I let them just float there in the air for a moment. Stephanie opened hers, but I realized I wasn’t done yet. So I held up my hand.

“One more thing,” I said.

“Jeez,” Stephanie muttered. I ignored that.

“I’d like to apologize for my half-hearted attempts at survival and helping others,” I said. “All I’ve done is tag along with others and let decisions be made for me. Frankly, I’m lucky to be alive with that kind of attitude.”

“Is that it?” Stephanie asked.

I thought about it. “I guess so.”

I stepped back into the group as Stephanie stepped forward. She shook her head.

“Good thing that wasn’t the last speech of the night,” she said.

* * *

I had been there for about a week when Stephanie gathered us up and told us of another mission—there were three women they wanted to rescue out of a commune that had formed in the abandoned Costco that I left Robert in.

“The strip club isn’t there anymore?” I asked.

Stephanie shook her head. “Our scouts say that once they ran out of peanut butter and Wheat Thins, the business just fell apart. It got ransacked, and the women there are just living in fear. There’s even a baby.”

I nodded. “Poor Robert Jr.,” I said. “I’m in. What’s the plan?”

Stephanie gestured me over while drawing a rough sketch of the Costco property. “You have to help me on this one because I know you were there. What’s the leader like?”

I sighed. “Be easy on him,” I said. “He’s probably just as confused as the rest of them. He can get overexcited and he likes risk management a lot.”

“Agreed,” she said. “But I’m putting you in charge of him when we bring him back. He’ll have to do whatever you say or you can throw him out.”

I nodded. “Maybe it won’t be that harsh, but I think we can pull it off.”

Rachel raised her hand. “We should come up with a survival guide,” she said. “We can’t take every girl in, but maybe if we can give as many tools as we can, we can bond even stronger or at least give us better chances at survival.”

Everyone liked that, and I volunteered to put it together.

“Great, “Stephanie said. “You do that. Rachel, JB, Brittany, let’s go blow up a Costco.”

“Do we have to blow it up?” I asked. “Seems a little extreme.”

“No one listens to you until you’re blowing something up,” she said. “Watch a movie.”

“Not every movie,” I said. “I don’t think any of that happened in Juno .”

She folded her arms. “Just for that, you get to stay here and write the rule book.”

I watched them leave. Rachel shrugged at me and mouthed the words, I’m sorry .

* * *

They returned early the next morning and only brought back Robert. I was sitting on the floor looking at maps of the southern California water lines, when there was a bang at the door. He wore a pillowcase over his head and his hands were bound. JB and Rachel dragged him in with confused looks on their faces. His feet dragged against the floor as he made a kind of whimper sound.

“What’d you do to him?” I asked. “What happened to everyone else?”

“He was by himself,” Rachel said. “He insisted on the head covering and that we tie him up. He wants us to know that he’s very bad—” She sighed heavily, then winced uncomfortably. “And wants to be punished.”

Batman entered, looking tired and annoyed. “He begged us to bring him back with us. I wanted to leave him, but I guess we don’t always get what we want.”

Robert stood helplessly still.

“He can stay for a little while, right?” I said. “Maybe earn his keep? Car repairs or something?”

Robert snorted under his pillowcase.

Batman rolled her eyes. “He doesn’t get to sleep on the furniture. And if he has a mother to look for, we only go find her after we’ve found all of ours first.”

“Deal,” I said.

“Whatever it is,” he said. “I’ll face up to what I’ve done. Just FYI, I have very tender nipple buds so you should probably start there first.”

Batman and Rachel rolled their eyes.

“I’m out of here,” Batman said, marching outside. Rachel followed. JB eyed him curiously and crept up to him. She inhaled deeply.

“What are you doing?” I said.

She shook her head. “Just been a long time since I’ve been around a man. I wondered if they still smelled the same.”

She held her hand up lingering over his chest, but didn’t touch him. She exhaled with choppy giggly breaths. “Don’t know what’s coming over me.”

“I do,” Robert said, his voice a little muffled. “Go where your heart tells you darling.”

She leaned in but I jumped up and held her back. I didn’t want to know where this was going.

“JB,” I said. “Maybe this can wait for another time.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “I just wasn’t ready. Someday I will be again.”

“Of course.”

She skittered out of the room. I ripped off the pillowcase. He looked with excitement at first, but then his face registered that it was me standing in front of him.

“Oh,” he said. “It’s you. I should have known that the one funsucker left would follow me wherever I went.”

“What are you so bummed about?” I asked. “Did you have an application in to a better gang?”