Daphne Lamb: The Girl's Guide to the Apocalypse

“Someone help me find my after dinner slippers!” Darren called out. “I have to pack my going away valise!”

It was chaos, and I didn’t see much through the billows of smoke. The fire raged out of control and took a few houses with it, including the commune, which I only spent a few short days in. But I know Bruce died inside in it. And the reason I know is because the next day we found two charred bodies. One sitting next to a child’s desk, the other holding the remnants of slippers. I don’t know what happened to the other gunman. Part of me likes to think he ran off into the woods and found freedom, sitting in a cave naked somewhere, drawing pictures of Bruce’s stupid face.

As for myself, Tatiana and Prairie Rose, we ventured down the hill and watched the house go down. Neither of them wanted to save it, and I think Tatiana got real pleasure from watching it burn.

She had a huge smile on her face. “Thank god I won’t have to spend another night with that guy. I’m sure our child would have been allergic to everything. That’s not the Messiah I’m going to vote for.”

We spent the night curled under a bush and shivered in the cold, but in the morning, there was group of ferocious-looking women who had us cornered. All but their leader wore ski masks.

“Rise and shine, monsters!” the leader said. “The fire didn’t get you, but we finally did.”

WE WERE BLINDFOLDEDand taken somewhere on the outskirts of town to some ramshackle ranch that hadn’t been kept up in years. The ride was bumpy and cold as we sat in the back of a pickup truck that barreled down the highway. Prairie Rose cried the entire time, yelling Darren’s name. Tatiana was like a rock. I stayed silent as did Tatiana. I felt her lack of emotion, which seemed like the best line of defense, especially in light of Prairie Rose’s hysterics.

“Before anything gets weird or tragic,” I heard Tatiana yell over the high-speed wind. “You should know my real name is Tatiana. I know I used to have a dog and before the Incident I was in school part time getting my accounting degree and I really hated my supervisor.” I heard a rustling coming from the side. “I know you can’t see it, but I’m holding a piece of paper. It’s one of our pros and cons lists. It’s the one where you were on the fence on Bruce.”

“Really?” I asked. “You still have that?”

“Um,” she said. “I did. It just blew out of my hand.”

I smiled. “It’s the thought that counts.”

“My name is Mary,” I heard Prairie Rose choke out. “I used to have three dogs that our Lord gave away. People used to call me Brittany. Our Lord never said he loved me.”

“It’s not important now,” Tatiana said.

“How is it you’re Mary, but also Brittany?” I asked. “I’m a little confused.”

“I like fruit on the bottom yogurt,” she said. “I liked the upstairs closet of the Lord’s house where I used to sleep.”

“You’ll have to find another closet to enjoy sleeping in,” Tatiana said. “If I could hand you a self-help book or one of those mantra tapes I would, but it’s not going to happen, so I suggest you just up and deal now.”

Brittany, aka Mary aka Prairie Rose, continued to sob.

“Hey, Verdell,” Tatiana said. “In case this is the last time we ever have human contact before we get impaled by something from everyday life. I don’t think you and I ever really connected.”

“Tatiana,” I said as I carefully thought through my words as I spoke them into darkness. “You know me. Maybe we never talked about our hopes and dreams, but you know me. We worked at a large corporation, doing nothing important, and I isolated myself from every worthwhile relationship possible, but making pros and cons lists and making fun of people like Robert and our supervisors with you was the highlight of my day.” I took a deep breath. “And here we are, the end of the world, and I have nothing to show for it.”

There was a silence before Brittany started sobbing all over again. “Maybe our Lord will be okay. And then he’ll come and live with us and we’ll be a happy family again, putting us all to work.”

“For the love of everything,” Tatiana said. “Keep some control over that kind of crap. You’ve been brainwashed. I don’t know where we’re going, but at least we’re somewhat free from that egomaniac.”

“It’s true,” I said. “If I’m learning anything about this journey, it’s that every new place is just an opportunity to be stronger.”

“I know you broke one of the gunmen down,” she said. “I know you were incredibly patient with the world’s most annoying person—”

“Tigerlily?”

“Robert.”

“Ah, yes,” I said. “He’s really not that bad.”

I felt a twinge of heartstrings that made me realized I missed him.

“Totally,” she said. “And think about it, Darren didn’t want to touch you, but he wanted you in his house. Do you know how jealous I am of that?”

“This whole Apocalypse,” I shouted over the loud passing air. “Not one man wanted me. Not even two ex-boyfriends, not the four nerds looking online for girls, not the strip club I managed and not the crazed art critic looking to birth the Messiah. It’s a little disheartening.”

“Well, to each his own then,” Tatiana said.

We rode in silence before a harsh truth overcame me.

“I don’t have any friends,” I said.

“Excuse me?” Tatiana asked.

“Friends,” I said. “I thought I had some before the whole world fell apart, but it turns out I don’t. You would think that in all this suffering and learning to survive I would have bonded with at least one person…”

“Not true,” she said. “We were friends. Why would you say that?”

“You didn’t remember me.” I let my voice trail off. “And now I’ve made myself incredibly sad.”

“I’m sorry,” Tatiana said. “I was worried you’d get killed. There’s also a possibility that I may have been brainwashed. Distancing yourself isn’t always the best option.”

Suddenly, the blindfold was jerked off my face and Tatiana gave me a kind, sympathetic smile.

”I worked my hands free,” she said as she showed me. “Your story isn’t over. It’s just beginning in fact. I don’t know where we’re headed, but I feel pretty confident in calling you my friend.”

I smiled back at her.

“And you can’t tell me in all this time you’ve spent glomming off others, you haven’t formed at least one bond?” she asked. “Someone out there you kind of miss?”

Robert, I thought. Kind of miss that guy.

“Maybe,” I said. “I’ll get back to you.”

“I get it,” she said. “You join up with one group and don’t know if they’re going to be dead in the morning, if they’re going to trade you in for a box of Pop-Tarts or if you’re going to have to chase after another group because Jon Hamm is leading it.”

She folded her hands and looked out into the horizon. “Don’t beat yourself up because there’s a lot of shallow soil out there.”

Once at the ranch, we were pulled out of the truck and dragged inside, then plopped down onto the gritty floor with the blindfolds ripped off our faces. I looked around the room and saw a rustic-looking living room with an old threadbare and stained couch that looked like it used to be white. We finally got a good look at our captors, and I realized they were just four women, one of them being Rachel, two of them girls from Costco.

“How did?” I asked. “What are you doing here?”

Rachel smiled. “Batman came and bought a ticket, but she didn’t want a show.”