Daphne Lamb: The Girl's Guide to the Apocalypse

She nodded and opened her eyes wide. “She wanted us to join her cool club for awesome people.”

I gasped. “Batman’s here?” I asked. “I’m going to finally figure out what the hell everyone’s been talking about. I didn’t make her up, did I?”

“You got her,” said a woman lounging on a broken-down leather recliner. She wore all black, had a cool leather patch over one eye and seemed bored by everything going on around her.

“You seem so familiar that this is crazy,” I said. “I wore a Batman shirt once and everyone went nuts talking about you.”

She shrugged. “Well, of course. You broke into my car and stole my Wheat Thins.”

I snapped my fingers. “Yes! Of course! Stephanie, was it?”

“It’s Batman.”

“So what do you all do here?” Tatiana asked. “Are we an official thing? Do we have a purpose?”

Stephanie held up her hand.

“And what’s with the patch?” I said. “Did something happen?”

“You’re not going to do something weird with our bodies are you?” Tatiana asked, her voice soft and halting.

Stephanie shifted the eye patch so it so it covered more of her eye. “Do you think it looks better on the right or left side?” she said, turning her head. “I feel like it’s a little bit more badass on the right side.”

“Your confidence pulls it off,” I said. “It doesn’t really matter.”

“We’re still working on a name,” Stephanie said as she stood and stepped forward. She was tall, wore leather and scratched her eye under the patch. “So if you think of anything, let us know.”

“We’re bringing chaos to the Apocalypse, yo!” one of the other girls yelled. She did a weird jiggly dance that I found awkward and smacked of trying too hard.

I shook my head a little as did the rest of the gang.

“Not now, JB,” said Batman. “Although I liked your passion.”

JB sat on the floor with the rest of us.

Stephanie pointed at me. “You’re that fire girl,” she said. “The one who kills men who betray her and harasses little kids.”

“For the last time,” I said, annoyed. “I haven’t killed anyone. Any death that happened around me was purely coincidental. And that kid was stealing from me. Standing up for yourself is apparently a one-way ticket to rumors town.”

“I wouldn’t be so modest,” Tatiana said. “She blew up the house that held our Lord Darren Warren and all his disciples.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Stephanie said. “I’m not criticizing you at all. The very opposite.” The tribe cheered, and Stephanie slapped me on the back hard. “That was us,” she said. “So let’s not get too braggy.”

“No worries,” I said. “I had no intention. That’s really not me. Secondly, I don’t agree with this kind of behavior.”

Brittany started to gently sob.

Stephanie knelt next to me and stared at me hard with her one eye. “At least you recognize. And what kind of behavior?”

“Arson,” I said. “It’s kind of violent.”

She stared at me in uncomfortable silence.

“It’s just not my kind of thing,” I said. “But that’s just me. Judeo Christian ethics and all.” I waved away my own awkwardness. “You probably have some well researched reasoning, though…”

“If there’s a better way to make a point, I’d like to hear it,” Stephanie said. “Look at what we can do with few. Now with all of us we can take care of any force that comes against us.”

“Stephanie—” I started.

“Batman.”

“And we’re sticking with the name Batman?” I asked.

She unzipped her leather jacket and revealed a Batman t-shirt.

She shook her head. “It’s just good branding. And I know—I was in marketing before the Incident.”

“Didn’t I give you that name?” I asked. “That night when your UCLA buddy was going to kill me over a box of Wheat Thins.”

“Ideas belong to everybody,” she snapped

Tatiana and I nodded simultaneously. “Smart,” I said, hoping to appease her.

Stephanie’s face instantly brightened as her mood changed. She stretched out her hand. “We’ve been looking for you. We’re mighty impressed with your portfolio, ma’am.”

I sighed heavily. “You should know I haven’t actually killed anyone,” I said. “If there is one thing in this new society, I’m thankful I do not have to explain this in a court of law right now.”

She crouched to my level. “You think we like it when people assume that when we start fires and burn places down that we’re just out to kill them too?” She stopped and thought about what she said. “Now that I say that out loud, I can kind of see where they might get that impression.”

“Do you?” I asked.

She nodded. “The point is, that’s not what we’re about at all. We’re just trying to rescue women in bad situations. We’re trying to teach others survival skills. Like, real survival skills. What we’ve been ingrained with is absolutely useless.”

Everyone nodded.

“Like, why am I monitoring my credit score when I should learn how to build a canoe?” she asked. “Or do my own dentistry?”

JB stepped forward. “I can say that those two years at the Fashion Institute did come in handy. Because I made everyone’s uniforms.”

“So what’s your real name again?” Rachel asked.

“Stephanie,” I said.

“Batman,” said our new leader.

“No,” I said. “She meant your actual name.”

“I knew what she meant.” The leader’s face grew very serious. “It’s Batman.”

“Before the Incident.”

Stephanie shrugged. “I’m giving a very clear and concise answer.”

I nodded. “We’ll just call you Batman then.”

Tatiana gave me a look. Brittany’s tears had dried and she looked at her as if one would watch a big sister get ready for the prom.

“I think she’s wonderful,” she whispered into my ear.

“Of course you do,” I said.

“Where are we? Didn’t you used to have a dog?” I asked.

Stephanie and her minions took us on a tour around the ranch and its grounds. It was dilapidated, but the plumbing still worked, albeit flakey, and there was a pretty friendly dog that let me pet it. Its tail slowly wagged when I scratched behind his ears. It was such a simple joy, but something I missed, and I felt an outpouring of love for that dog. I bent down after we were shown the weapons underground cellar and scratched all over his body. One of the girls stopped and watched it.

“Maybe it doesn’t matter to you,” she said. “But that dog has some kind of skin virus. We don’t allow it inside.”

I stood. “Good to know.”

I immediately went to the nearest sink and scrubbed my hands for a good ten minutes fully enjoying the fact I could wash them.

The grounds themselves were pretty desolate and I saw a few obscene things spray painted around, but overall, it was nice. JB mentioned that it happened to have once housed a serial killer commune at one point, but she wasn’t one hundred percent sure on that.

I passed by the bathroom and went to use it, but JB stopped me.

“You don’t want to use that,” she said. “It doesn’t work.”

“So what are we doing?”

JB smiled with hesitancy. “Do you know what composting is?” She pointed outside.

I took a deep breath. “Oh, I don’t…I don’t know…”

“Guess you’re just going to have to learn!” she chirped.

I took another glance through the window and saw odd spray painted symbols.

“JB,” I said. “What’s the deal with that weird graffiti?”

She seemed uncomfortable. “Before the Incident, this was the hideout for the Paper Tiger Gang.”

“Isn’t that that cult that was trying to build a spaceship out of other people’s house pets?”