Алан Аркин - People Soup

She sat quite still for a moment and then said, “What happened?”

“You’ve turned into a chicken.”

THE little bird lifted its wings and looked down at itself. “How come I’m a chicken, Bob?” it said, cocking its head to one side and staring at him with its left eye.

“Ah, nuts,” he explained. “I expected you to be more of a pigeon thing.” Bob mulled over the ingredients of his stew to see what went wrong.

The chicken hopped around the chair on one leg, flapped its wings experimentally and found itself on the kitchen table. It walked to the far corner and peered into a small mirror that hung on the side of the sink cabinet.

“I’m a pretty ugly chicken, boy,” it said.

It inspected itself with its other eye and, finding no improvement, walked back to Bobby.

“I don’t like to be a chicken, Bob,” it said.

“Why not? What does it feel like?”

“It feels skinny and I can’t see so good.”

“How else does it feel?”

“That’s all how it feels. Make me stop being it.”

“First tell me better what it’s like.”

“I told you already. Make me stop being it.”

“What are you afraid of? Why don’t you see what it’s like first, before you change back? This is a valuable experience.”

The chicken tried to put its hands on its hips, but could find neither hips nor hands. “You better change me back, boy,” it said, and gave Bob the left-eye glare.

“Will you stop being stupid and just see what it’s, like first?” Bob was finding it difficult to understand her lack of curiosity.

“Wait till Mom sees what an ugly mess I am, boy. Will you ever get it!” Bonnie was trying very hard to see Bob with both eyes at once, which was impossible.

“You’re a sissy, Bonnie. You ruined the opportunity of a lifetime. I’m disgusted with you.” Bob dipped his forefinger in the serum and held it toward the chicken. It pecked what it could from the finger and tilted its head back.

In an instant, the chicken was gone and Bonnie was back. She climbed down from the table, wiped her eyes and said, “It’s a good thing you fixed me, boy. Would you ever have got it.”

“Ah, you’re nothing but a sissy,” Bob said, and licked off a whole fingerful of his formula. “If I change into a horse, I won’t let you ride me, and if I change into a leopard, I’ll bite your head off.” Once again, the loud pop was heard.

CONNIE stood up, wide-eyed.

“Oh, Bob,” she said, “you’re beautiful!”

“What am I?” Bob asked. “You’re a bee-yoo-tee-full St. Bernard, Bob! Let’s go show Melissa and Chuck.”

“A St. Bernard?” The animal looked disgusted. “I don’t want to be no dog. I want to be a leopard.” “But you’re beautiful, Bob! Go look in the mirror.”

“Naah.” The dog paddled over to the table.

“What are you going to do, Bob?”

“I’m going to try it again.”

The dog put its front paws on the table, knocked over the serum and lapped up some as it dripped on the floor. Pop went the serum, taking effect. Bobby remained on all fours and kept on lapping. Pop went the serum again.

“What am I now?” he asked. “You’re still a St. Bernard,” said Bonnie.

“The devil with it then,” said the dog. “Let’s forget all about it.” The dog took one last lap of

serum. Pop! Bobby got up from the floor and dejectedly started out the back door. Bonnie skipped after him.

“What’ll we do now, Bob?” she asked.

‘We’ll go down to Thrifty’s and get some ice cream.”

They walked down the hill silently, Bobby brooding over not having been a leopard and Bonnie wishing he had stayed a St. Bernard. As they approached the main street of the small town, Bonnie turned to her brother.

“You want to make some more of that stuff tomorrow?”

“Not the same stuff,” said Bob. “What’ll we make instead?”

“I ain’t decided yet.”

“You want to make an atomic bomb?”

“Maybe.”

“Can we do it in the juicer?”

“Sure,” Bob said, “only we’ll have to get a couple of onions.”