Robert Asprin: Myth-Told Tales

“A training exercise?”

“Sure. We do it all the time in the service. Schedule a war game to keep the troops on their toes.” He dropped his voice to a conspirator level. “We don't ever admit it, but sometimes we even deliberately position our forces a bit too close to an opposing force … like over their border accidentally on purpose. Of course, they respond, and by the time things are sorted out and apologies have been made, the boys have had a little action to clear away the cobwebs. We could rig something like that for your unicorn.”

I got up and did the honors of refilling our goblets. I didn't really want more wine, but it gave me a few minutes to mull over what Big Julie had said. Something about it wasn't sitting right with me.

“Actually, I don't think so,” I said finally, shaking my head. “I appreciate the advice. Big Julie, and it's given me something to think about, but I think I'll try a different kind of solution.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“Well, instead of hunting down or making up some kind of conflict to make Buttercup feel useful,” I said, carefully, “I'm thinking what I need to do is spend some time retraining him.”

Big Julie cocked his head. “Retraining him to do what?”

“I don't really know just yet” I sighed. “As you were talking, though, it occurred to me how sad it was that all Buttercup knows how to do is to fight More specifically, that, in his opinion, his only value is as a fighter. Instead of trying to re-enforce that problem, I think I want to spend the effort to try to change his self-image.”

The general stared at me for several moments.

“I've never asked you, Skeeve,” he said at last. “Why did you retire?”

“Me?” I said, caught off guard by the subject change. “I wanted to spend more time studying magik. I'm supposed to be this hot shot magician, but I really can't do all that much. Why?”

Julie made a derisive noise. “Like the world needs more magicians,” he said. “As I understand it, there's barely enough work for the ones we already have.”

That stung a little.

“Now I know you military types don't think much of magik or magicians, Big Julie,” I said a bit stiffly, “but it's what I do.”

“Uh-huh,” he said. “Like fighting is what Buttercup does.”

“How's that again?” I frowned.

“You should listen to yourself, Skeeve.” the general said, shaking his head. “You're saying that your only value to anyone is as a magik user. You still think that even though you admit that you don't really know all that much. Do you really think that's why you old team gave you their respect and followed your lead? You think I ended up running the army because I'm a rough, tough, invincible fighter?”

That really gave me pause for thought. I had never really considered it, but looking at his frail body, even allowing for age, it was doubtful that Big Julie could go toe to toe with any of the heavyweights I knew like Guido or Hugh Badaxe.

He leaned toward me.

“No, Skeeve. What you did just now, thinking through what's best for other people … in this case, your unicorn … that's a rare talent. To me, that's more valuable than any new magik tricks you might pick up. The world needs more of that kind of thinking.”

Someone, sometime, might have said something nicer than that to me, but if so, it didn't spring readily to mind.

“So what is it exactly that you're suggesting that I do? Come out of retirement?”

“Exactly?” He smiled and winked at me. “I haven't got a clue. You're the thinker. So think about it. Maybe while you're working on Buttercup's self-image you can do a little tinkering with your own.”