Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

"Yeah, thanks a lot," Crasmer said shortly. "Come on, guys. Let's go get drunk."

"Yeah."

"And there they go, your home team!" Schlein announced, as a spotlight hit them.

Not bothering to turn around to acknowledge the cheers and applause, the, All-Pervects stamped off the stage.

The Sorcerer's Apprentices came over to where Bunny, Markie, Tananda and I stood. Jinetta stood on tiptoe to give me a big kiss on the cheek.

"Gosh, thanks for everything, Mr. Aahz. You're fantastic. And your partner is the best. I wish we could tell him how grateful we are" she added.

"Uh-huh." I couldn't miss the meaning. "I, uh, I see that Tolk told you."

Jinetta grinned down at the Canidian, who was leaning against my leg. "He did. We all hope you aren't upset that we didn't tell you why we needed your help."

"Not any longer. I have to admit, when I found out you had come here, I was a little upset that you didn't tell me about the contest."

"Well, with all the ordeals you were putting us through, we all thought you knew," Jinetta said, surprised. "I thought you were totally savvy. Was it all by accident?"

"Er—yes," I admitted, a little unhappily. "I didn't connect the time frame with the beginning of the new SOS contest. I just thought you really wanted some practical experience before you went into the business world. Using ideas I scooped from some of the Crystal Ether network was pure coincidence."

Jinetta and the others looked more admiring than ever.

"It takes a big soul to admit that," she said. "You could have lied and told us you did know. I like your honesty. No wonder Aunt Vergetta thinks you're the spink's left nostril. Wait until I tell her! You're a terrific teacher, Skeeve." She crushed me in an enormous hug. The others followed suit, leaving me gasping.

"Gee, that's really nice of you," I said, embarrassed.

"How come you didn't tell us you were coming?" Tolk asked.

"I didn't want to interfere with your style. If you knew I was here, you might not have relied on your own skills to get through."

"And he's been tossed off Perv," Melvine put in, returning from his interview. He was still floating on air. "He's not supposed to be here at all. That's what the disguise is for." He smiled down at me sweetly.

"How much more did you hear while eavesdropping?" I demanded.

"Enough," Melvine said with satisfaction. "No good blackmail stuff, though. Hey, watch who you're talking to! I'm the new CEO of Brandex Enterprises. These are my executive vice presidents in charge of—the things they're good at." He waved a vague hand. "Do you want a job? I'd be honored to have you. Mistress Montestruc's giving me a humongous budget to find talent."

"No, thanks," I said. "I've still got a lot of—research to do."

"Too bad. We're gonna do big things!"

"I'm happy to do little things for the moment," I said. "I think I can be content with having launched a whole new generation of magicians on their way, and I'm glad to have gotten through this without having been detected."

"Hear, hear," Bunny agreed.

"Listen," Melvine said, confidentially. "I've gotta apologize. I took the money out of your strongbox and put it in Jinetta's briefcase. I thought if I could get the three little maids from school disqualified as pros I'd have a better chance of winning." He made a face. "Who knew I'd need them all so I could win?"

"Teamwork pays off every time," I said. "You know that now. But who set off Massha's ring?"

"That was me," Tolk said, in a very small voice. "Sorry sorry sorry. It was a joke, just like you said. Then I couldn't turn it off. I'm a doctor, not a munitions expert! Forgive me? The others have."

"You bet," I said, ruffling his ears. "I'm proud of all of you."

Bee blushed. The Pervects giggled. "Thank you, Skeeve!"

"Aahz! Aahzmandius!" a voice boomed out.

I turned in the direction of the voice. It was familiar, but I couldn't place it. Then I saw her.

Waddling towards me, dressed in what could have been the same faded, tentlike house dress she had been wearing when I visited her a couple of years back, was Aahz's mother, the Duchess. The elderly Pervect glared through her little glasses.

"Where is he? My little boy! My ungrateful son! Holding back on his mother's millions! No, he thinks that I can get by on air! And there he is!"

Suddenly, I found myself under a spotlight. All the magicians who had been interviewing the Geek turned to cover me. I saw my face multiplied a thousand times, each image wearing the same gudgeonlike expression of horrified astonishment.

"He comes to play in this fancy game, but he doesn't come to see his own mother! Just when I'm waiting to make another investment. I can't wait for the capital, you stingy boy! What will the neighbors think? There you are!"

"Duchess," I said, weakly, backing away from her. My escape was blocked by the dozens of people crowding in to see what all the shouting was about. "How nice to see you."

"My son!" She threw herself at me. "You've lost weight!"

No one, especially not a dozen, multi-focus crystal balls could possibly have missed when her arms sank right through the meaty sides of "Aahz" and wrapped around my much slimmer body.

"It's a disguise spell!" someone shouted.

The Geek went wide-eyed. "If you're not Aahz, there's only one other person who knows everything he does—Skeeve!"

"Skeeve!"

The guards on the side of the stage looked at one another, and started heading in my direction. I fought loose from the Duchess's embrace. I had to make a quick getaway. I concentrated on my comfortable little study on Klah, and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Not so fast, buddy," a harsh voice said.

I opened my eyes. No BAMF. My transportation spell had not worked. The arena guards had been supplemented by the Perv police force. I stopped counting after the first twenty uniformed officer. The most decorated, whom I assumed had been the one who spoke, held up a short silver wand.

"Trying to escape," he said, one eyebrow raised. "Just what we'd have thought from someone with your record."

"Isn't that the Great Skeeve?" one of the magicians asked.

"Yeah! Get a good angle. We can get this on the evening news!"

"Just a minute, sergeant," Jinetta said, stepping in between us. "What's the problem here?"

"This Klahd has been exiled from Perv, lady," the officer said. "Having broken the terms of his parole, he's going to spend a couple of years in jail thinking about why he ever bothered to come back."

"Sir, I believe you might be mistaken," Pologne said, adding her slight frame to help shield me from view. "This is a game show. There have been a lot of illusions employed during the course of this contest. Why would you think this is the real Skeeve? This is a Klahdish wizard Mr. Geek hired to impersonate him. He's one of the monsters for the Monster Monster Challenge. Wouldn't you be afraid to face a wizard of his caliber?"

"Frankly, no," the sergeant said, looking me up and down. "He looks like the real thing to me."

"A lot of Klahds look alike," Freezia said. "Are you sure it's really him? It could be that one over there?"

Bee caught the hint and promptly Datspelled himself into a duplicate of me.

"Or one of those two over here?"

Pologne and Jinetta became Skeeves and started moving around me. I took one step back and to the right. Tananda grinned and nodded toward the half dozen people on my left, now all wearing my face.

"Stop that!" the officer barked. "This isn't funny, lady. All of you back away from the perpetrator."

"Which one do you mean?" Jinetta asked, innocently.

"I'll show you which one." The officer pointed the wand at us. Just then, Tolk gathered himself and leaped into the air, grabbing the wand out of his hand. He galloped about ten feet away and lowered his forequarters, wagging his tail with glee.