Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

They beamed.

"Oh, sure!"

The room seemed to fill with flying sparks as the Pervects before me vanished. In their place, a gigantic green dragon curled around the walls of the room, cupping in its coils a sharp-toothed, gold-eyed mermaid with long flowing seaweed-colored locks and a tail full of green and blue scales, and a huge tree with sinisterly glowing green eyes. Gleep hissed. I frowned.

"Don't you like these?" the dragon asked in Jinetta's voice. "Not showy enough? How about these?"

The room swirled wildly again. I found myself facing three Trollish guards with white wherhide trews bound over their thick purple-furred legs, wearing brass helmets with horns sticking out each side and carrying giant double-bitted axes.

"No!" I cried.

"No?" Freezia asked. "Okay. We'll try again."

Gargoyles, with fearsome smiles and stone tutus. I gawked.

"How's this?"

A volcano, a rainbow and a twinkling blue fairy.

"And this?"

Before I could stop them, the Pervects became unicorns, Deveels, Ogres, towering robots with sparks sputtering from the electrical contacts in their necks, winged Sphinxes, animate stone towers, undulating sea serpents, enormous spiny red hedgehogs and, finally, a trio of pink elephants with floating ostrich plumes bound to their foreheads.

"No!" I shouted, waving my hands. "I mean, can you use a disguise to pass unnoticed?"

The elephants lowered their trunks and stared at me out of little wizened eyes.

"Why?" they asked, sounding hurt. "Aren't these good illusions?"

"I think I'm beginning to see their problem," Bunny observed, with an eyebrow lifted.

"They're terrific illusions," I assured them "but they're inappropriate. We want to get to the palace without anyone following us. We don't want to attract attention."

They looked at each other as if the notion had never before passed through their minds.

"Well, then, let's just go as ourselves," Freezia said. She made a pass with one huge round foot, and the three became scaly green Pervects again. "Just like this. Come on." She made for the door.

"No way," I said firmly, striding ahead of them to block it.

"Why not? We're not ashamed of our bodies," Pologne said, planting her hands on her hips as she confronted me. "Is it our clothes? Are these fashions too extreme for Klah? Two piece suits? A classic is a classic."

"It's got nothing to do with you or your clothes," I said. "It's you. There's only ever been one Pervect to visit Klah, and he already frightens most Klahds out of their socks. Three would send whole villages running. Can you disguise yourselves as ordinary Klahds, like the people you saw on your way here?"

The three exchanged startled glances. "Of course we can," Jinetta said. "If you insist."

"I insist," I said.

They closed their eyes. When they opened them, I beheld the transformation. Before me were a hefty, slack-jawed man carrying a yoke of buckets who was the local village idiot, a sallow-faced man with a long nose I recognized as a tax collector, and a cow.

"Um, almost," I said. I perched a hip on the edge of the table and gestured to them to sit down. "Let's try again."

Using pictures conjured up by Bunny on her PDA, Bytina, I managed to point out images of Klahds who were not too limited, not too unpopular, and a bit more sentient than their first choices. Jinetta, Pologne and Freezia squabbled over who would wear what appearance, jumping from one image to another. They couldn't seem to make up their minds. I held my impatience for a few minutes.

"Look, you be that milkmaid," Freezia said. "She's taller than I am."

"Hey," I tried to interrupt.

"No, I'd rather be that burgher," Pologne said. "You be the milkmaid."

"Oh, she's so boring! Look at those wooden clogs!"

"Make up your minds, and let's go," I put in. They ignored me.

"That male in the tights showed some fashion," Jinetta said thoughtfully.

I pushed my way in between them and loomed over them. I pointed at each of my 'apprentices' in turn.

"Fine. Jinetta, you get to be the male in tights. Pologne, you're the burgher. Freezia, you get to be the lady in the blue veil. Chop, chop! Last one into her disguise is a rotten egg!" I clapped my hands.

Donning my own disguise, that of a cadaverous-faced master magician that served me better than my own fresh-faced boyish appearance, I swept toward the exit. I listened behind me as they fell into line. I expected some grumbling, but there was none. They accepted my authority without question. I didn't know whether to feel confident about that trust, or worried. Bunny held onto Gleep's collar as she waved me a cynical farewell from the doorway.

As we strode out onto the narrow, overhung path that served as a road through the thick of the forest, I dropped to the rear of the file and observed my new charges. I expected that there might be some kinks to work out as a cluster of inexperienced Pervects negotiated a new dimension, but I didn't quite anticipate the difficulties they would have in pretending to be something they weren't.

"Jinetta, stop swinging your hips like that," I ordered.

"Like what?" the tallest Pervect inquired, turning in a graceful circle to face me.

I waved a hand. "And don't swoop like that. The guy whose face you are wearing is going to find himself the object of a lot of jokes if we run into anyone who knows him."

Pologne tittered at her classmate's dressing down. I turned on her. "And as for you, never giggle like that again, not until we are inside Massha's house. You're supposed to be an old man. Grumble. Mutter to yourself."

She gawked at me. "What? As if I'm senile, or something?"

I groaned. "Yes, as if you're senile or something. You're an elderly man, with a lot of business interests and a son-in-law who's trying to cut him out of deals. Your wife has a bad temper, and your in-laws live with you. Mutter. Complain under your breath. A lot."

Pologne was appalled. "That bites. Let me be a girl, like Freezia."

"No," I said, folding my arms imperiously. "You're going to learn something out of this: how to make the best use of a disguise spell. I bet you never used your talents for anything more complicated than a Halloween costume. Right?"

"Well—yes." The medium-sized Pervect had the grace to hang her head.

The third Pervect, Freezia, minced along, feeling superior because she didn't have to do any acting to get along in her disguise. I was under no illusion (pun unintended) that I wouldn't have to find fault with her some time over the next six weeks, but it was all right with me if she got by this time. I had to admit she had captured the essence of the pretty girl in the blue gown fairly well. Anyone watching us make our way down the road might be a little surprised that the rich and spoiled Lady Melgarie Trumpmeier walking—make that striding—instead of riding her white pony or being conveyed in one of her father's expensive carriages, but the anomaly would give the locals something to talk about.

A party of five horsemen trotted into view. The path was too narrow for our parties to pass abreast. It would be less trouble to let them by, but with "Lady Melgarie" and me, a famous but mysterious magician, we couldn't give ground. The girls glanced back at me. I gestured to them to keep walking.

"One side!" the lead horseman demanded. A burly, black-bearded man on a gigantic destrier, he towered twice as tall as me, but I held myself upright.

"Who speaks so to Skeeve the Magnificent?" I replied, in sepulchural tones. Two of the horseman behind the leader cringed slightly at my name.

"Who dares to confront Lord Peshtigo of Sulameghorn?" the leader countered, drawing the sword that hung on his right hip. He might have heard of me, but he obviously had a reputation to protect.