Robert Asprin: M.Y.T.H.-Interpretations: The Worlds of Robert Asprin

“Thought we might give a shot at going after it…if the price is right.”

“You have to take that up with the Duc.” the sheriff yawned. “He’s the one putting up the reward. I can tell you the money’s good, though. Enough to draw a small troop of sell-swords trying to collect it.”

“The Duc?”

“He’s the one who runs the territory around here. Actually, his name is Duke Rybred, but most folks call him the Duc on account of the way he’s built. He pretty much stays on his estate just north of the town and leaves the tax collecting and keeping of order to me and my deputies.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” Pookie said carefully, “why isn’t he having you and your deputies take care of this Hefalump instead of advertising for outside help?”

“What me? Go traipsing around the woods chasing some huge critter that’s only bothering the farmers?” the sheriff seemed actually surprised at the thought. “That wasn’t what we were hired for. I’m more than happy to leave it to the young bloods who are out to make a name for themselves.”

“Anyone out there ahead of us right now?”

“Naw.” the sheriff said, scratching his beard. “Last one came back and left a couple days ago. There were a fair number parading through here for a while, but it’s kind of petered out lately. Guess the word has gotten out that the Hefalump is tougher than anyone thought and doesn’t take kindly to anyone trying to shoo it away.”

Pookie looked at Spyder who shrugged in return.

“Well, I guess we’ll go talk to the Duc…Duke now.” the Pervect said. “Any tips you can give us on handling the Hefalump?”

The sheriff thought for a moment.

“Take extra bandages.” he said finally. “And be sure your insurance is paid up.”

If the sheriff was unimpressive, the Duke of Rybred was positively underwhelming.

Whereas the sheriff had been stocky with a bit of a pot belly, the Duc was short and pudgy. He also walked with a rolling waddle that made him look…well, like a duck. Though he dressed well, he had a habit of rubbing his hands together and licking his lips like a miser with an unexpected tax refund. It left one with a feeling one should count one’s fingers after shaking hands…if one cared to shake hands at all.

“Well, well, well.” he said, licking his lips and rubbing his hands together. “If nothing else, you two are the most attractive adventurers to try our little quest. Tell you what. Instead of going after the Hefalump and maybe getting your sweet selves dinged up or killed, what would you say to hiring on as my personal bodyguards? It would only be for public appearances…though I’m sure we would work out some kind of a bonus program for overtime.”

“I think we’ll take our chances with the Hefalump.” Pookie said. “That was for five hundred in gold. Right?”

“That’s right.” the Duc said, apparently unaffected by the rejection. “Five hundred once the beast is killed or scared off. Now you two girls be careful when you go after it.”

“You have no idea how careful we can be.” Pookie smiled. “For example, how do we know we’ll get out money after we’ve killed the critter?”

The Duc’s smile wavered a little.

“Why because I’ve told you I’ll pay you. Surely you don’t doubt my word?”

“Not yours specifically.” Pookie said. “Still, it isn’t entirely unheard of that an adventurer has taken on some dangerous assignment only to find that when it was over, whoever hired him had a sudden memory lapse as to the exact amount promised. Some have even forgotten that payment was promised at all. On the off chance that something like that happened to us, we don’t have much recourse. I mean, what can we do? Sue you? As I understand it you’re the one who sits in judgement around here. We couldn’t forcibly take it from you without having to face your household guards who, of course, would be on the alert at that time.

Even if we got mad and just killed you, that still wouldn’t get us our money.

See what I mean?”

“Yes. I can see where that would be a problem.” the Duc said, avoiding their eyes.

“Now, we don’t mind risking our necks for money.” Pookie said. “That’s our business. It’s just that we’d like some kind of assurance that we’ll actually get our money at the end of it.”

“What do you suggest?”

“Put it in escrow.” Pookie said with a shrug. “Send the money to…say, the sheriff to hold until the job’s over. We check with him, make sure the money’s there and waiting for us, then we go after your Hefalump.”

“That’s fine by me.” the Duc said, licking his lips. “I’ll be glad when this situation is handled, believe me. As far as I’m concerned, the beast could go on doing it’s thing. It didn’t bother anybody until they expanded their fields into his territory. If the farmers hadn’t threatened to withhold their taxes until I did something about it, I would have just ignored the whole thing.”

“Part of the price of ruling, I guess.” Pookie said. “So, if we’re in agreement, we’ll drop by the sheriff’s…say, tomorrow to check on the reward. Then we’ll be on our way.”

“…496…497…498…499…500! It’s all here.”

Pookie waved at her junior partner as she poured yet another flagon of wine for the sheriff.

“I gotta hand it to you two.” the sheriff said, raising the flagon in a mock toast. “I always thought the Duc was clever, but you’ve got him beat. ‘Put the money in escrow.’ I tell you with all the sell-swords and adventurers that have come through here, no one else has come up with that move.”

“We’ve just had a little more experience with money grubbers than most.” Pookie smiled, sipping at her own drink.

“Umm…cam I ask a question?” Spyder said.

“You not only can, you may.” her companion said.

“Huh?”

“Never mind.” Pookie waved. “What’s the question?”

“Well, you keep talking about how clever the Duc is.” Spyder frowned. “I wasn’t all that impressed with him.”

“Bit of a scum bag, isn’t he.” Pookie said with a grimace. “Do you see what I mean about the offers female bodyguards get?”

“So what makes him so clever?”

“You have to learn to listen closer, dear.” Pookie said. “The Duc had no intention of paying us…or anyone else regardless of the failure or success.”

“He didn’t?”

“Add up the pieces.” Pookie said, counting off the points on her fingers. “First, the farmers try to expand their holdings and run into a local critter, the Hefalump, that takes offense at their trespassing. Second, by his own admission, the Duc would have ignored it, but the farmers threatened to withhold their tax monies unless he did something. His response was to offer a reward to anyone who would kill or scare off the beast.”

Spyder frowned thoughtfully, then shook her head.

“So what’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing’s wrong with it.” Pookie said. “It’s actually very clever. He had to do something, so what he did was make an offer. A move that cost him no money or effort. Simply by making the offer, he kept the farmers paying taxes.”

“…And if anyone were actually successful going up against the Hefalump, he could renege on the payment and it still cost him nothing.” Spyder finished. “That is kind of clever. But we outfoxed him with this escrow thing. Huh.”

“Not really.” Pookie shrugged. “Remember the sheriff here answers to the Duc.

That why the Duc agreed to readily. Tell me, sheriff, were your instructions to send the money back as soon as we went after the Hefalump, or were you supposed to wait until tomorrow?”