Mark Leigh: Dick Longg: Sexual Saviour of the Universe

‘…two… one…’

Dick brought his fist down on the green button.

‘Bombs launched!’

Yelps and cheers filled the room. Three people wearing hats threw them into the air. The one person wearing a wig threw that in the air. Anyone without a hat or a wig just jumped up and down in celebration. Maxx grabbed Dick by the shoulders and kissed him energetically on both cheeks. He shook Taylor’s hand vigorously, and beamed proudly at his staff.

The monitors displayed images of the twelve missiles carrying the bombs blasting off from their launch sites. There were absolutely no problems or glitches as they simultaneously arced gracefully and serenely into the clear night sky. Dick thought it was odd watching them so remotely. You couldn’t hear the roar of the rocket engines or feel the shudder or vibrations from the launch pads. Seeing them on the screens made Dick feel strangely detached from the whole event. The excitement had died down as the technician began his second countdown. This next stage in the launch process was automatic. Dick had done his job. All he had to do next was wait for the warheads to explode and feel the effects of the radiation.

‘Impotence bombs detonating in ten… nine…’, the technician announced.

Dick looked oddly calm. What was about to happen was now totally out of his control. He and Taylor exchanged worried glances.

‘…five… four… three… two… one…’

There was a flash of light in all of the monitors as the warheads exploded. This was followed almost immediately by more cheering and throwing of hats (the man who threw his wig in the air the first time lost it behind a heavy filing cabinet so he was unable to throw it again).

Maxx consulted his pocket watch. ‘With the current wind speed and direction, we in London should experience the full effect of the gamma radiation in about thirty seconds’.

The room was deathly quiet. People were nervous. No one knew what sudden impotence would feel like. Would it be a dull sort of numbing sensation like pins and needles or would it hurt? If so, how painful would it be? Men looked at their groins in anticipation. It was a technician called Hugo who felt the result of the gamma radiation first. He felt a slight tingling followed by an overwhelming desire to jump on top of the female technician standing next to him, and grind his crotch into hers. A slightly built man called Albert was next. He undid his flies and started masturbating violently using both hands. One of the burly guards had put down his gun and was sucking the toes of a colleague, while Louise and Chloe, two launch assistants, had their hands up each other’s skirts.

Maxx looked around him to see stuffy technicians and disciplined security guards shaking off any and all inhibitions. The room looked less like a control centre and more like the last days of the Roman Empire.

‘What… what’s happening here?’ Maxx asked in a rather high and worried voice. He glared accusingly at Dick and Taylor and turned to Carter for reassurance. This was unforthcoming since Carter had his tongue down the throat of a twenty year-old female technician.

‘Your technicians were absolutely right when they said that the priming circuits had been damaged’, Dick said.

‘And they obviously managed to fix them’, added Taylor.

‘Then what’s gone wrong?’ asked Maxx, looking worriedly around at the orgy that was taking place in front of his very eyes.

‘Well’, explained Dick. ‘The disabled priming circuits were just a decoy’.

‘We sabotaged something else in the bomb that was much harder to detect’, added Taylor. ‘It was the radiation polarity control. All we did was switch two wires around to reverse it’.

‘That meant’, added Dick, ‘The radiation that’s been emitted over the whole country has affected the brain in a different way. It’s modified neurons in the limbic system…’

‘In particular, in the somatosensory cortex’, added Taylor.

Maxx stared wide-eyed in horror as Dick continued, ‘In this way the weapon has been transformed from being an Impotence Bomb…’

‘Into a libido bomb’. Maxx completed the sentence for Dick and slumped back in his chair in traumatic shock.

Now the whole population would be horny and there was no way to reverse it. Maxx broke down and cried like a baby as he contemplated the consequences. The whole country was sexually aroused and there was he, completely unable to get a stiffy.

Taylor and Dick hugged each other, which was quite embarrassing as both of them had quite large erections. Dick turned round to see the technician with the clipboard standing right in front of him, now without her lab coat. She ran her tongue over full rich red lips and ripped open her blouse to reveal her firm 34C bosom.

Dick looked down at the large bulge in his trousers. He smiled and thought to himself that after everything he’d been through, things were definitely on the up.

Mark Leigh has had 40 humour books published including the phenomenally successful ‘The Complete Revenge Kit’ and titles co-written with Adrian Edmondson, Jeremy Beadle, Julian Clary, Rolf Harris, Chris Tarrant, Des Lynam and even Roy Chubby Brown.

His TV credits include scriptwriting for Rory Bremner, Joe Pasquale, Hale & Pace, Russ Abbot, Brian Conley and Noel Edmonds. He has also co-written two full-length film scripts which he is in the process of developing. ‘Dick Longg, Sexual Saviour of the Universe’ is Mark’s first novel.

© Mark Leigh 2012

Mark Leigh has asserted his rights under the Copyright, Design and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work.

First published 2012 by Aperiron Press.

Cover images courtesy of Shutterstock.