Mark Leigh - Dick Longg - Sexual Saviour of the Universe

Jack dutifully went to work and removed Hargreave’s other eyeball, offering it to the scanner exactly as before. The light beam moved up and down the eye, then stopped. After what seemed like an eternity, but which was, in reality, only about a second, there was a confirmatory bleep followed by the reassuring buzz and whirr of the lock.

‘How were we to know it only worked on the right eye?’, asked Dick. Taylor breathed a sigh of relief as he, Dick and Jack entered, Jack dragging Hargreaves’ lifeless and now eyeless body with him.

‘How long do you think it’ll be before Hargreaves is missed?’ asked Taylor.

‘Well’, said Dick. ‘Given Maxx’s probable severe state of anxiety, I’d say, about ten minutes ago. We’ve got to do this fast’.

While Jack used his jacket to try and clean the blood from the floor outside the room Taylor and Dick set to work behind the closed door. All the suitcases were locked so Taylor had to unpick them one by one adding considerable time to the exercise, time that was definitely not on their side.

Insulated from the outside sounds by the heavy door they failed to hear loud shouts and a succession of guns being fired. What they did hear though was the familiar bleep, buzz and whirr of the lock.

‘Jack!’ shouted Dick as the door swung open. ‘What’s wrong?’

Maxx stepped in, closely followed by an entourage of armed security guards and technicians.

‘Jack is wrong’, he said, gesturing with his gun, ‘And you know what? I don’t think he’ll ever be right’.

Facing an assortment of gun barrels, Dick and Taylor decided that discretion was definitely the better part of valour. Holding their hands above their heads they stood up rather sheepishly as if they’d been caught doing something very bad (which is of course exactly what they’d been doing). The door was now wide open and Dick could see Jack lying in a pool of his own hydraulic fluid. There was a smouldering hole in his head and two more in his chest.

‘Arrest these men!’, shouted Maxx in the time-honoured tradition of the cliché. ‘And check for damage!’

Guards and technicians ran into the room all at the same time, which wasn’t really a good idea as there wasn’t enough room for everyone. In the confusion the guards handcuffed Taylor and a technician and dragged them out, while Dick found himself examining the bombs. The error was soon spotted however and the technician and Dick changed places.

‘Well?’ roared Maxx. ‘What have these traitors done?’

The head technician looked up from the bomb he was examining and nervously answered, ‘They’ve disabled the priming circuits’.

‘On all of them?’, asked Maxx angrily.

‘Possibly sir’, said the technician. ‘But it’s an easy repair to do. We can have them all checked and fixed in thirty minutes’.

‘You’ve got ten’, said Maxx. ‘Starting now!’.

He breathed in deeply and counted aloud. After a while he stopped. ‘I’m calmer now. You may have just noticed that I counted slowly up to twelve not ten. Do you know why I counted to twelve?’

‘To make you even calmer?’ Dick speculated.

Maxx kneed him in the balls and Dick doubled in agony. ‘No, you fuckwit! I was counting the number of Impotence Bombs that will be launched soon, fixed and on schedule’ he turned to Taylor, also being held by guards and kneed him squarely in the balls as well. ‘I don’t know who you are and I really don’t care. What I do know though, is that you’re both idiots thinking your amateur sabotage wouldn’t go unnoticed’. Chuckling to himself Maxx continued. ‘Disabling the priming circuits indeed!’

Turning to face Dick, Maxx added, ‘You disappoint me. You’ve let me down. When you cracked under the threat of torture…’

‘The actual torture you mean’, replied Dick. ‘The actual torture that was actually and really carried out. With those terrifying wasps’.

Maxx ignored him and continued. ‘…I gave you a second chance. A chance to help rule our new empire. And now you’ve gone and thrown it all away. And all because you’ve let your dick rule your head. Do you know what I’m going to do to you Dick?’

‘Does it by any chance involve your knee and my testicles?’, asked Dick, knowing full well the answer.

‘Yes it does’, said Maxx, carrying out the action. As Dick doubled up again Maxx took out his gun and aimed it at Dick’s groin. ‘But I’m also going to kill you and your friend so you no longer pose any sort of threat to me in the future, however small’.

To Dick and Taylor’s immense surprise and relief, Maxx put the gun away. Smiling he said, ‘But before I do that, I still want you to have the honour of launching the bombs and experience impotence for yourself, first hand. I wouldn’t want death to deprive you of that!’. Maxx addressed the guards. ‘Keep these two securely locked up and bring them to the command centre just before ten’.

As the guards dragged Dick and Taylor away Maxx added, ‘And keep them separated. This time I’m not taking any chances’.

A handcuffed Taylor and Dick were brought into the command centre at five to ten. It looked a bit like Houston Mission Control, Dick thought, albeit on a far smaller scale. Male and female technicians sat at consoles, flicking switches, turning dials and watching monitors. Maxx was seated on a sort of small podium where he could see all the various screens around the room while Carter was standing alert to his right.

‘Gentlemen’, he said smugly. ‘Lose those long faces. We’re about to make history. You should be happy!’

‘I’m about to become impotent and then you’re going to kill me. I’m sorry if I don’t find that a joyous occasion’, said Dick despondently. Maxx pondered this for a moment.

‘Hmmmm. Perhaps you’re right’. He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Anyway, you’ll be delighted to hear that we checked and fixed the priming circuits on each of the bombs. These have all been loaded on to the solid fuel booster rockets and transported to the various launch sites. There’s only one thing we’re waiting for. You’.

‘What happens if I don’t want to launch the bombs?’, enquired Dick.

‘Well, as you’re going to be killed anyway there’s no reason not to do it. However, if you do refuse then I’ll just launch them myself. Jesus Christ, Dick! You might as well have your moment of glory by pressing the damn fucking button!’

Dick looked at Taylor who shrugged. ‘He’s right Dick. Someone’s got to do it. It might as well be you’.

‘OK’, said Dick. But can you release us from these cuffs? If I’m going to be the man who launched the Impotence Bombs and changed the world, at least let me do it with a little semblance of dignity’.

Maxx sighed. ‘Very well’, he said to his guards. ‘But keep your guns trained on them at all times. If they make any sudden moves, just shoot to kill. I’m past caring’.

Dick and Taylor were released from their handcuffs and, under the watchful eyes of trigger-happy guards, took their places next to the podium. All eyes were on a large wall clock as a technician counted them down.

‘Bomb launch in thirty seconds… primers on. Fuel vents open… Guidance radar locked… launch in twenty seconds…’

Dick looked at Taylor, then at the big green button in front of him, then at a rather bosomy technician holding a clipboard who he didn’t notice when he came in.

‘…in ten seconds… All systems go… Gantries removed…’

Dick flexed his fingers, then made a fist with his right hand. He stared at Maxx who just smiled,

‘…in five… four… three…’

Dick clenched his fist even tighter.