Cate Tiernan - Book of Shadows

"Now, everyone gather here in the middle," Cal instructed. "Jenna? Raven? Would you like to draw our circle and purify it?"

I was jealous he had chosen them—probably we all were. Cal watched the two girls patiently, ready to help if necessary. But they worked carefully together, and soon the circle was cast and purified with water, air, fire, and earth.

Now that I was again with a circle, I felt exultant, expectant. The only thing that marred my mood was Bree's dark brooding and Raven's air of superiority. I tried to ignore them, to focus only on magick, my magick, and to open myself to perceptions from any source beyond my five senses.

"Our circle is now cast," Jenna said with awe in her voice. We all moved outward to stand just within its boundary. I made certain that I was between Matt and Robbie, two positive forces who wouldn't distract or upset me.

Cal took a small bottle and uncorked it. Moving deasil, clockwise, around the circle, he dipped his finger into it and drew a pentacle, a five-pointed star within a circle, on each of our foreheads.

"What is this?" I asked, the only person to speak.

Cal smiled faintly. "Salt water." He drew a pentacle on my forehead, his finger wet and gentle. Where he traced felt warm, as, if it were glowing with power.

When he was finished, he took his place in the circle. "Tonight we're here to form a new coven," he said. "We gather to celebrate the Goddess and the God, to celebrate nature, to explore and create and worship magick, and to explore the magickal powers both within ourselves and without ourselves."

In the next moment of silence, I heard myself say, "Blessed be," and the others echoed it. Cal smiled.

"Anyone who wishes not to be of this coven, please break the circle now," Cal said.

No one moved.

"Welcome," Cal said. "Merry meet and blessed be. As we gather, so we'll be. The ten of us have found our haven, here within the Cirrus Coven."

I thought, Cirrus? It was a nice name.

"You nine will now be inducted as novitiates, students of this coven," Cal explained. "I'll teach you what I know, then together we can seek out new teachers to take us farther on our journey."

The only time I'd heard the word novitiate used was in relation to priests or nuns. I shifted on my feet, feeling the dense, soft ground beneath me. Overhead, the moon was high and white, huge. Every once in a while we heard the sound of a car or firecrackers. But in this place, in our circle, there was a deep, abiding silence, broken only by animals' night calls, the fluttering wings of bats and owls, the occasionally heard trickle of the stream.

Within myself I also felt a deep stillness. As if being put to bed one by one, my fears and uncertainties quieted. My senses were on full alert, and I felt incredibly alive. The candles, the breathing of the people with me, the scent of the flowers and fruit we had brought, all combined to create a wonderful, deep connection to Nature, the Goddess who is everywhere, all around us.

In the bowl of earth in the northern position, Cal lit an incense stick, and soon we were surrounded by the comforting scents of cinnamon and nutmeg. We joined hands. Unlike the other two times I had participated in a circle, tonight I was neither examining nor dreading what might happen. I kept my mind open.

Matt's and Robbie's hands were larger than mine; Matt's smooth and slender, Robbie's bulkier than Cal's had been. My eyes flicked to Robbie's face. It was smooth and unlined. I had done that, and within me I felt a recognition of and a pride in my own power.

Cal began the chant as we moved deasil around our circle.

I counted as we danced around the circle, and we chanted nine times. The more I studied Wicca, the more I realized that witches wove symbolism into just about everything: plants, numbers, days of the week, colors, times of the year, even fabrics, food, and flowers. Everything has a meaning. My job as a student would be to learn these symbols, to learn as much as I could about the nature surrounding me, and to weave myself into its pattern and magick.

As we chanted I thought about the end, when we would throw up our arms to release our energy. Once again I felt worried as I remembered the pain and nausea I had felt before. My facade of certainty began to crack, allowing in tendrils of fear. My power seemed scary.

Just as suddenly, as we whirled in our circle, singing the chant like a round, weaving our voices in and among one another, I realized that my fear would cause me pain if I didn't let it go right now. I breathed deeply, feeling the chant leave my throat, surrounded by the coven in our circle, and I tried to banish fear, banish limitations.

Faces were blurred. I felt out of control. I banish fear! The words of our chant slurred until it was a beautiful rhythm of pure sound, rising and falling and swirling around me. I was having trouble breathing, and my face was hot and damp with sweat. I wanted to throw off my jacket, throw off my shoes. I had to stop. I had to banish fear.

With one last burst of sound our circle stopped, and we threw our arms skyward. I felt a rush of energy whirling around me. My hand grasped the air, and I pushed my fist against my chest, seizing some energy for myself. I banish fear, I thought dreamily, and then the night exploded all around me.

I was dancing in the atmosphere, surrounded by stars, seeing motes of energy whizzing past me like microscopic comets. I could see the entire universe; all at once, every particle, every smile, every fly, every grain of sand was revealed to me and was infinitely beautiful.

When I breathed in, I breathed in the very essence of life, and I breathed out white light It was beautiful, more than beautiful, but I didn't have the words to express it even to myself. I understood everything; I understood my place in the universe; I understood the path I had to follow.

Then I smiled and blinked and breathed out again, and I was standing in a darkened graveyard with nine high school friends, and tears were running down my face.

"Are you okay?" Robbie asked in concern, coming over to me.

At first it seemed he was speaking gibberish, but then I understood what he had said, and I nodded.

"It was so beautiful," I said lamely, my voice breaking, I felt unbearably diminished after my vision. I reached my finger out to touch Robbie's cheek. My finger left a warm pink line where it touched, and Robbie rubbed his cheek, looking confused.

The vases of flowers were on the altar, and I walked toward them, mesmerized by their beauty and also the overwhelming sadness of the flowers' deaths. I touched one bud, and it opened beneath my hand, blooming in death as it hadn't been allowed to in life. I heard Raven gasp and knew that Bree and Beth and Matt backed away from me then.

Then Cal was next to me. "Quit touching things," he said quietly, smiling. "Lie down and ground yourself."

He guided me to an open spot within our circle, and I lay down on my back, feeling the pulsing life of the earth centering me, easing the energy from me, making me feel more normal. My perceptions focused, and I saw the coven clearly, saw the candles, the stars, the fruit as themselves again and not as pulsing blobs of energy.

"What's happening to me?" I whispered. Cal sat down cross-legged behind me and lifted my head onto his lap, stroking my hair, which was strewn across his legs. Robbie knelt next to him. Ethan, Beth, and Sharon circled closer, peering over his shoulder at me as if I were a museum display. Jenna was holding Matt around his waist, as if she were afraid. Raven and Bree were the farthest back, and Bree looked wide-eyed and solemn.