Cate Tiernan: Book of Shadows

"You think you want to be initiated as a student," he stated. "You need to think about whether you want to be part of this new coven." Tiny lines crinkled around his eyes as he smiled and leaned against the locker next to mine. "I know it's complicated for you at home."

I let myself look deeply into his eyes. There was a tide there, and it was pulling me strongly.

"Yes, I want to be a student," I said. "Even if you aren't a high priest. And yes, I want to be in your new coven. I've agonized over this. My parents are terrified of Wicca. They don't want me to do it, but I can't let them make this decision for me any longer. I'm feeling more certain every day."

"Give yourself a chance to think about it," he advised.

"I hardly think about anything else," I admitted.

He held my eyes and nodded. "See you in physics." He pushed off and left me there with a tingly, fluttery feeling in my stomach.

Bree wasn't my friend anymore, and that gave me the space to ask a simple question I'd been terrified to ask myself. Could Cal love me the way I loved him? Could we be together?

"Quick! Quick! Give me the tape!" Mary K. said, waving her hands. She was up on a ladder in our dining room. My mom was due home soon, and we were decorating for her birthday.

"Hang on," I said, twisting the two streamers together. "Here."

"Dad's picking up Thai food?" Mary K. asked, taping the streamers in place.

"Yep. And Aunt Eileen is picking up the ice-cream cake."

"Yum."

I stood back. The dining room looked pretty festive.

"What's all this?" my mom asked, standing in the doorway. Mary K. and I both screamed.

"What are you doing home?" I cried. "We're not ready yet!"

Mary K. waved her hands. "Shoo! Go upstairs! Change! We need ten more minutes!"

My mom looked around and laughed."You two," she said, then she went to go change.

Mom's birthday was fun, and nothing went wrong. She opened her presents, exclaiming over the Celtic-knot pin I gave her, the CD from Mary K., the earrings from my dad, and two books from Eileen. She wasn't recognizable as the person who had screamed at me just a few weeks ago. I smiled as she cut her cake, feeling a sense of doom about what was coming up on Saturday. But tonight we were all happy.

On Thursday, I was slumped in a chair in the school library during study hall, reading the Samhain chapter in one of my books. Tamara came up and tipped the book back to see its title.

"Are you still doing this stuff?" she asked softly, friendly interest in her face.

I nodded. "It's really cool," I said, the words lame and inadequate. "We've been holding circles every week, although I haven't been able to get to many."

"What's it all about?" she asked. "What is Cal trying to do?"

I hesitated. "He's trying to find people who are interested in creating a new coven," I said.

Tamara's brown eyes grew wide. "Coven sounds pretty scary."

"Kind of," I admitted. "But that's just because of… bad publicity," I guessed. "It's not scary at all. His coven will be more like a… study group."

Tamara nodded, not seeming to know what to say.

"Want to go to a movie tomorrow night?" I asked suddenly.

Her face broke into a wide smile. "That would be great. Can I ask Janice, too?"

"Yeah. Let's see what's playing at the Meadowlark," I suggested.

"Cool," said Tamara. "See you later. Happy reading."

I grinned, feeling lighthearted as she sat down across the room.

A moment later, with no warning, Bree dropped into the chair next to me. I tensed. "Relax," she said. "I just wanted to tell you that phase one of Bree and Cal is complete. I need a little more time, and then you can come to circles all you want."

I stared at her. "What are you talking about?"

"He's given in," she said happily. "He's mine. Give me a few more weeks to solidify it, and this will all be behind us."

"You've got to be kidding," I said, sitting up straighten. "This will never be behind us. Don't you get it? You chose a guy over our friendship. I don't even know why you're talking to me now." I looked into her beautiful face, once as familiar as my own.

"I'm talking to you to tell you to quit overreacting." She stuck out her booted foot and tapped my knee gently. "We both said things we didn't mean, but we'll get over it. We always do. All I need is a little more time with Cal."

I shook my head. I just wanted her to leave.

"You know what I'm talking about," she said softly, watching my face. "Cal and I finally went to bed. So we're going out. In a few weeks we'll be a solid couple. Then you can come back to circles."

A piercing pain in my chest startled me, and I swallowed and rubbed my shirt between my nearly nonexistent breasts. Twenty lightning-flash images of Cal and Bree intertwined on his bed, lit candles surrounding them, zipped through my brain, leaving it feeling raw and wounded. Oh God.

"How nice for you," I managed, pleased with the steadiness of my voice. "But I don't care if you're screwing everyone in the circle. You can't tell me what to do. I will be at Samhain." Anger fueled the words spooling out of my mouth. "You see, Bree, the difference between us is that I really am interested in becoming a witch. Not just pretending to be so I can seduce a good-looking guy."

"When did you become such a bitch?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Maybe I hung out with you too long."

She unfolded herself from the chair and moved off with such feminine grace that I felt like a rock sitting there.

It's true what they say. There's a thin line between love and hate.

Tonight I'm going to a circle, and nothing can stop me. I'm going to declare myself to be a student of Cal's coven. I know my life will change tonight. I sense it in every sight and sound.

"Where's Bree?" my mom asked as Mary K. and I got dressed in our costumes. We were going to the school Halloween party since we had finally admitted to being too old to go trick or treating. It was barely seven o'clock, and already our front porch had been besieged by small pirates, devils, princesses, brides, monsters, and yes, witches.

"Yeah," Mary K. said, drawing a fake Frankenstein scar on her cheek, "I haven't seen her all week."

"She's busy," I said casually, brushing my hair. "She has a new boyfriend."

My mom chuckled. "Bree certainly is a social butterfly."

That's one way of putting it , I thought sarcastically.

Mary K. looked at my outfit critically. "Is that it?"

"I couldn't decide," I admitted. I was dressed up as me. Me, all in black, but me nonetheless.

"For heaven's sake, let's paint your face at least," my mom clucked.

They painted my face as a daisy. Since I was wearing black jeans and a black top, I looked like a daisy on a wilted stem. But no matter. Mary K. and I went to school and danced to a really bad local band called the Ruffians. Someone had spiked the punch, but of course the teachers found out about it right away and dumped it in the parking lot. No one from the circle was there, but I saw Tamara and Janice, and I danced with Mary K., with Bakker, and with a couple of guys from my various math and science classes. It was fun. Not thrilling, but fun.

We were home by eleven-fifteen. Mom, Dad, and Mary K. went to bed, and I arranged some pillows in the traditional columnar lump in my bed before I washed my face and sneaked out into the chilly darkness.

Bree and I had sneaked out before, to do stupid things like go to the twenty-four-hour QuikStop to get doughnuts or something. It had always seemed so lighthearted, like an acceptable rite of passage.