Lisa Smith - The Awakening

Elena and Meredith looked at one another helplessly. Outside, the sun went behind a cloud.

September 26

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry it’s been so long, and I can’t really explain why I haven’t written — except that there are so many things I feel frightened to talk about, even to you .

First, the most terrible thing happened. The day that Bonnie and Meredith and I were at the cemetery, an old man was attacked there, and almost killed. The police still haven’t found the person who did it. People think the old man was crazy, because when he woke up he started raving about “eyes in the dark” and oak trees and things. But I remember what happened t us that night, and I wonder. It scares me .

Everyone was scared for a while, and all the kids had to stay inside after dark or go out in groups. But it’s been about three weeks now, and no more attacks, so the excitement is dying down. Aunt Judith says it must have been another vagrant that did it. Tyler Smallwood’s father even suggested that the old man might have done it to himself — though I would like to see somebody bite himself in the throat .

But mostly what I’ve been busy with is Plan B. As far as it goes, it’s been going well. I’ve gotten several letters and a bouquet of red roses from “Jean-Claude” (Meredith’s uncle is a florist), and everybody seems to have forgotten that I was ever interested in Stefan. So my social position’s secure. Even Caroline hasn’t been making any trouble .

In fact, I don’t know what Caroline is doing these days, and I don’t care. I never see her at lunch or after school anymore; she seems to have drawn away from her old crowd completely .

There’s only one thing I do care about right now. Stefan .

Even Bonnie and Meredith don’t realize how important he is to me. I’m afraid to tell them; I’m afraid they’ll think I’m crazy. At school I wear a mask of calm and control, but on the inside — well, every day it just gets worse .

Aunt Judith has started to worry about me. She says I don’t eat enough these days, and she’s right. I can’t seem to concentrate on my classes, or even on anything fun like the Haunted House fund-raiser. I can’t concentrate on anything but him. And I don’t even understand why.

He hasn’t spoken to me since that horrible afternoon. But I’ll tell you something strange. Last week in history class, I glanced up and caught him looking at me. We were sitting a few seats apart, and he was turned completely sideways in his desk, just looking . For a moment I felt almost frightened, and my heart started pounding, and we just stared at each other — and then he looked away. But since then it’s happened twice more, and each time I felt his eyes on me before I saw them. This is the literal truth. I know it’s not my imagination .

He isn’t like any boy I’ve ever known.

He seems so isolated, so lonely. Even though it’s his own choice. He’s made quite a hit on the football team, but he doesn’t hang around with any of the guys, except maybe Matt. Matt’s the only one he talks to. He doesn’t hang around with any girls, either, that I can see, so maybe the narc rumor is doing some good. But it’s more like he’s avoiding other people than they’re avoiding him. He disappears in between classes and after football practice, and I’ve never once seen him in the cafeteria. He’s never invited anybody to his room at the boarding house. He never visits the coffee shop after school .

So how can I ever get him someplace where he can’t run from me? This is the real problem with Plan B. Bonnie says, “Why not get stuck in a thunderstorm with him, so you have to huddle together to conserve body warmth?” And Meredith suggested that my car could break down in front of the boarding house. But neither of those ideas is practical, and I’m going insane trying to come up with something better .

Every day it’s getting worse for me. I feel as if I were a clock or something, winding up tighter and tighter. If I don’t find something to do soon, I’ll -

I was going to say “die .”

The solution came to her quite suddenly and simply.

She felt sorry about Matt; she knew he’d been hurt by the Jean-Claude rumor. He’d hardly spoken to her since the story had broken, usually passing her with a quick nod. And when she ran into him one day in an empty hall outside of Creative Writing, he wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“Matt—” she began. She wanted to tell him that it wasn’t true, that she would never have started seeing another boy without telling him first. She wanted to tell him that she’d never meant to hurt him, and that she felt terrible now. But she didn’t know how to begin. Finally, she just blurted out, “I’m sorry!” and turned to go in to class.

“Elena,” he said, and she turned back. He was looking at her now, at least, his eyes lingering on her lips, her hair. Then he shook his head as if to say the joke was on him. “Is this French guy for real?” he finally demanded.

“No,” said Elena immediately and without hesitation. “I made him up,” she added simply, “to show everybody I wasn’t upset about—” She broke off.

“About Stefan. I get it.” Matt nodded, looking both grimmer and somewhat more understanding. “Look, Elena, that was pretty lousy of him. But I don’t think he meant it personally. He’s that way with everybody—”

“Except you.”

“No. He talks to me, sometimes, but not about anything personal. He never says anything about his family or what he does outside of school. It’s like — like there’s a wall around him that I can’t get through. I don’t think he’ll ever let anybody get through that wall. Which is a damn shame, because I think that behind it he’s miserable.”

Elena pondered this, fascinated by a view of Stefan she’d never considered before. He always seemed so controlled, so calm and undisturbed. But then, she knew she seemed that way herself to other people. Was it possible that underneath he was as confused and unhappy as she was?

It was then that the idea came, and it was ridiculously simple. No complicated schemes, no thunderstorms or cars breaking down.

“Matt,” she said, slowly, “don’t you think it would be a good thing if somebody did get behind that wall? A good thing for Stefan, I mean? Don’t you think that would be the best thing that could happen to him?” She looked up at him intensely, willing him to understand.

He stared at her a moment, then shut his eyes briefly and shook his head in disbelief. “Elena,” he said, “you are incredible. You twist people around your little finger, and I don’t think you even know you’re doing it. And now you’re going to ask me to do something to help you ambush Stefan, and I’m such a dumb sucker I might even agree to do it.”

“You’re not dumb, you’re a gentleman. And I do want to ask you a favor,.but only if you think it’s right. I don’t want to hurt Stefan, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Don’t you?”

“ No . I know how that must sound, but it’s true. I only want—” She broke off again. How could she explain what she wanted when she didn’t even understand it herself?

“You only want everybody and everything revolving around Elena Gilbert,” he said bitterly. “You only want everything you don’t have.”

Shocked, she stepped back and looked at him. Her throat swelled, and warmth gathered in her eyes.

“Don’t,” he said. “Elena, don’t look like that. I’m sorry.” He sighed. “All right, what is it I’m supposed to do? Hog-tie him and dump him on your doorstep?”