Jeff Strand - The Sinister Mr. Corpse

"No."

"You don't seem sure."

"Well, I'm not sure. I mean, he died trying to save you. It was just to further his career because he was a sleazy opportunistic bastard, but still, you put him in that situation."

"Technically, the crackheads who kidnapped me put me in that situation. They could've grabbed me while I was on my way to the store for a quart of milk."

"But you weren't buying milk."

"I was out trying to save people," Stanley said, trying not to get defensive.

"I know. That's why I'm not throwing any guilt trips on you."

"You just did!"

"You asked a question! Stop asking questions!"

There was a knock at the door.

"C'mon in," Stanley called out.

Brant opened the door. "I'm just letting you know that I'm back."

"Thanks, sweetie. Do you want me to rub your feet while you tell me about your day?"

"Your fan club has grown. I don't mind telling you that they're very frightening people. A few of them were even wearing makeup to look like you."

"That's pretty cool. Maybe I'll start a whole trend of Mr. Corpse impersonators. Then it will end in tragedy when there's a mass arm-severing. That would be an interesting fad, don't you think?"

Brant raised an eyebrow. "Are you uncomfortable about something?"

"No, why?"

"You're babbling even more incoherently than usual."

"Nope. Just bummed about my arm."

Brant gestured to the television. "Well, I'll leave you two alone to enjoy your mental stimulation."

"Hey, Brant, can we see the lab?"

"I don't think so."

Stanley and Martin got to their feet. "Are you sure?" Stanley asked. "Because I'd really love to see what's inside there."

"It's hazardous materials, as you most certainly are aware. Why do you think we're in an underground bunker?"

"Not sure I believe you, Brant."

"I don't care if you believe me or not. I'm certainly not going to put our lives at risk to satisfy your curiosity."

Stanley and Martin took a step forward. "I'm not sure you have a choice," said Stanley.

"If I weren't an optimist who believes that there are limits to even your stupidity, I'd think that you were threatening me."

"Is that what you think?"

"No, because you couldn't possibly be that much of an idiot, even after being shot in the head."

"I want you to show me the fuckin' lab," said Stanley. "Now."

"See, Stanley, your overuse of profanity has diluted its impact. I'm not intimidated at all. Martin, I thought you were the reasonable member of your duo. That's why I've allowed you to stick around. Now, I'd advise both of you to sit back down, return to your fun little video games, and leave the intimidation tactics to people who are actually intimidating."

"Get him!" Stanley shouted.

They both rushed forward. Martin reached the doorway first, and received a punch to the jaw that knocked him all the way across the room and against Stanley's bed.

Stanley took a split second to admit to himself that while he wasn't happy to have seen it happen, it was a pretty damn impressive punch. Then he tackled Brant and both of them fell to the floor.

Brant punched him in the face so hard that Stanley swore his teeth rattled, his eyes spun in their sockets, his not-quite-a-nose bounced against the back of his head, and his hair rustled in the breeze created by Brant's mighty blow.

"Jeez! How often do you work out?" Stanley asked.

"Every day," Brant replied, delivering another punch. Stanley was glad he didn't have any blood, because it would be spraying all over.

Stanley tried to hit Brant back and was embarrassed by his own effort. Brant's third punch was even harder than the first two, and Stanley decided that he didn't want to fight anymore.

"Okay, okay! I quit!" Stanley said, climbing off of Brant. "Truce!"

Brant stood up, wiped off his shirt, and then grabbed Stanley by the neck and slammed him against the wall. "We have a real problem here, Stanley. What do you suggest we do about it?"

"Blame my head injury?"

"I don't think so." Brant shoved Stanley back into the bedroom. Stanley stumbled and then fell on his butt, landing on the video game system and almost giving himself an unwanted sexual experience.

Brant calmly shut the door, leaving Stanley and Martin inside. Stanley cursed as he heard it lock, then got up and sighed.

"That was really pathetic," Stanley admitted. "We got beat up by a shriveled old geezer."

"He's not shriveled," said Martin, sitting on the bed and massaging his cheek. "He actually looks really fit."

"Yeah, but I was out there beating up street thugs! How does somebody like Brant get the best of me?"

"You weren't beating up street thugs. You were making scary zombie faces at them and freaking them out when they shot you and you didn't die. Two of them kidnapped you and sawed off your arm."

"But still, I think something weird is going on."

"You also got beat up by that ice cream man that one time when he accused you of not paying for the drumstick."

"I did pay for it."

"I know. But he beat you up and you paid for it again."

"Still, maybe he's on steroids or something."

"Stanley? Give it up. He beat us because we suck."

"You suck more. When I conceived this plan I didn't think you were such a weenie! One punch and you were out! It took three punches for me to give up!"

Martin glared at him. "I might also point out that the plan involved things like lulling him into a false sense of security, following him out of the room, and tackling him by surprise. I'm pretty sure the plan was never to just run at him like a pair of jackass football players."

"You were nothing like a football player."

"Don't blame this on me, Stanley. I wanted to get him in a gunny sack."

"We don't have any gunny sacks! I don't think they even make gunny sacks anymore!"

"Then I said, how about a pillowcase over his head? A pillowcase would've worked. But no, you said, let's wing it. Let's wait for the perfect opportunity to strike. How did the perfect opportunity to strike suddenly become you shouting 'Get him!' when he was standing in the doorway?"

"Everything's always my fault, isn't it?"

Martin nodded vigorously.

"Well, you can sit there all night and play the blame game, but I'm going to do some forward-thinking and figure out a way out of here."

"Like what? Chew through the wall?"

"At least that would be more productive than standing around here complaining!"

"No, if you want to get technical about it, trying to chew through the wall would be equally productive to standing around here complaining."

Stanley kicked the video game system. "That's it! You're fired!"

"From what?"

"Everything! You're fired from everything!"

"Fine! Fire me!"

"I just did!"

"Good!"

"Glad you approve!"

"You know, Stanley, I've been your loyal friend for a long time. Somebody like you just cries out for fair-weather friends, but I've been your friend through every kind of weather there is. And do you know why that is? Do you know why I've stuck with you, through thick and thin, all of these years?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm a fuckin' idiot!" Martin smacked himself on the side of the head three times. "Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! What the hell was I thinking? You suck!"

"I don't suck."

"You do! You're, like, the devil! You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me! If I'd never met you, I'd have a real job and self-respect and occasional moments of happiness! You're this incredible moron who somehow convinced himself that he's a genius even though to be a genius you have to possess some sort of actual intelligence! You're like this…this…this cloud of foul, black evil that's ruining the world! You're the worst person who has ever lived in the entire history of mankind! You suck so much that if Carl Sagan were alive he couldn't even quantify it! Why the hell have I been hanging out with you all this time? What bugs are squirming around in my brain to mess with my thought processes so much that I thought you were a good choice of a friend?" He smacked himself twice more. "Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Fuck you, Stanley! Fuck you with a goat! Fuck you with a…a…wide-screen television! Fuck you with a moose head!"