Jeff Strand - The Sinister Mr. Corpse

"This? I use it to prod people." Dr. Arnzin set the metal thingie aside. "So you got yourself shot again, huh?"

"Yeah."

"You'll be fine, but there was serious bone damage, and this one will take a while to heal. You'll have to be off your feet for a while."

"What happened to Charlie?"

"Who?"

"Charlie. The guy who shot me."

"They took him away," said Brant. "He was a lunatic."

"Yeah, but…yeah, he was."

"It looks like it was a rather busy night for you. How were the two tramps you lured back here?"

Stanley glanced over at Veronica to gauge her reaction. Was it jealousy or disgust? Looked more like disgust.

"We didn't do anything. I sent them away."

"Really? I just assumed you were very quick about it."

"Bite me."

Brant chuckled. "If you are able to find women of questionable sanity who are willing to give up their bodies, more power to you, I say. The benefits of celebrity are quite plentiful."

"How about you go someplace else? Anyplace else. Just someplace that isn't here."

"With pleasure. Fix him up nicely, Doctor." Brant nodded politely and walked out of the room.

"I'm sorry," Stanley told Veronica.

"For what?"

"You know. For the girls."

Veronica seemed genuinely confused. "Why would you apologize for that?"

"I'm…not sure."

"I can't stop you from having sex, Stanley."

"I didn't, though. I sent them away."

"Uh-huh."

"I did!"

"Oh, I'm sure you did. I'm sure you didn't say anything crude, sexist, adolescent, or disgusting that scared them off."

"I didn't!"

"Uh-huh."

"Veronica, look at me! Do you think that the kind of woman who would sleep with me is going to have problems with a disgusting comment?"

"Then why did they leave?"

"I told you, I sent them away."

"Why would you do a silly thing like that?"

"Because…because I realized that I didn't love either of them, and that I couldn't be intimate with somebody I didn't truly care for."

Veronica smacked the side of her head. "Wow! My bullshit detector just exploded!"

"Do you think so little of me that you believe I'd just pick up a couple of skanks in a hotel bar?"

"Stanley, honey, I adore you, but a three-dollar hooker wouldn't surprise me. Try not to pick up any of those, though. It's bad press."

"Those women were all over me. Right here on this bed. They could be mounting me at this very moment, and yet I cast them out. That's the kind of morally upright individual I am."

Veronica winked at him. "Then why were they in your room in the first place?"

"Conversation."

"Uh-huh. I'm gonna let Dr. Arnzin fix you up. Get some sleep and we'll head back to the bunker first thing in the morning."

She ruffled his hair and left the room. Martin sat down next to the bed. "How the hell did you get two girls at once?"

"I didn't. I sent them away."

"Why would you do something like that?"

"I don't know! I was in a weird mental place!"

"But how did you do it? No offense, sir, but you're a living corpse! I wore my best green shirt and I didn't get diddly!"

"Maybe it's your approach. Did you actually use the word diddly?"

"I'm going to bed. I can't believe you got two women."

"I sent them away!"

Martin shook his head and left the room.

"I sent them away," said Stanley to Dr. Arnzin. "You believe me, don't you?"

"Of course I do," said Dr. Arnzin, patting Stanley's shoulder reassuringly.

"Thank you."

"Anyway, you really should get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day for you, what with me setting those shattered bones and digging out another bullet."

"It's going to hurt, isn't it?"

"Oh, yes."

"Mr. Corpse Celebrates Birthday in Style"

It was a birthday bash to remember as Mr. Corpse celebrated his thirty-sixth birthday yesterday! (No word on whether or not his birthday was prorated to make up for the time he was dead!)

"Congratulations, Stanley," said Veronica. "Our accountant tells me that you're a millionaire."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Well, let's go buy some shit!"

"Violence Erupts In Toy Store"

Collectors in Bridgewater, New Jersey awaiting the 12:01 AM sale date of the official Mr. Corpse action figure (a special limited edition of only 750,000 units), some of whom had been waiting for up to 48 hours beforehand, were less than happy when the promised shipment of figures did not arrive. Eight collectors and one employee were injured in the ensuing riot.

"Here you go," said Dr. Arnzin, handing Stanley a small plastic container. "That's one week's worth of injections. You're sure you can handle them by yourself?"

"You've watched me do them for the past three days. I think I can handle poking myself with a needle."

"Just don't forget them."

"I'm not going to forget them."

"Once a day."

"I know."

"Never twice."

"I promise."

"Mr. Corpse and Mrs. Sunset A Couple?"

RUMOR PATROL! It seems that Mr. Corpse and Hollywood's newest A-lister, Tamara Kato, might be an item! The Oscar-winning star of Mrs. Sunset was spotted getting snuggly with Mr. Corpse at the premiere party for the new Jennifer Aniston flick! Reps for both insist that they're "just good friends."

"Mr. Corpse! Can I get your autograph?"

Stanley glanced over at the college kid. "Can I finish peeing first?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course! I can't believe I'm actually talking to you! My friends aren't gonna believe this! Are you done?"

"Getting there."

"Sorry, I've just never met a real celebrity! It's true what they say, I guess, about how you can't come to Los Angeles without seeing a star. This is so cool."

"What would you like me to sign?"

"Oh, um, could you sign my arm?"

"Do you have something to write with?"

"No. Don't you?"

"No. I just came in here to take a piss."

"I'm sure my girlfriend has a pen. Wait here and I'll go get it."

"How about I hang out someplace besides the men's room?"

"Oh, right, of course, of course. Do you want to meet my girlfriend? You could sign her arm, too!"

"Sure."

"Let's go." The kid pushed open the bathroom door and gestured for Stanley to pass. "After you."

"Did you notice that you washed your hands, but then you went ahead and touched the doorknob, which is covered with the residue of a million unwashed hands that touched a million unwashed dicks?"

"Excuse me?"

"I was just kidding."

"My girlfriend's sitting over there. Tracy! Look who I met in the bathroom!"

Tracy shrieked in terror.

"Mr. Corpse Refused Service"

New York's legendary Baird's Deli apparently doesn't think The Amazing Mr. Corpse is all that amazing! He was refused service this past weekend, and though Mr. Corpse protested, apparently he went home without getting to sample one of the world-famous Baird Burgers!

"I was just concerned about disease," said Roger Baird. "In our thirty-two year history we've passed every single inspection with flying colors, and I just thought that a dead body in the restaurant might be a health code violation. It was nothing personal against Mr. Dabernath."

Mr. Corpse is reportedly planning to sue.

"Look, I'm still the #1 keyword search on Google," Stanley said, proudly.

"I was looking at some of your fan sites yesterday," said Veronica. "Maybe we should have you update your blog twice a day from now on."

"Nah, I can't type that fast. But take a look at this." Stanley typed in the URL for the new site he'd discovered, The Mr. Corpse Fraud Exposed. "It's a list of all the things that prove I'm really some dork in makeup."