Jeff Strand - The Sinister Mr. Corpse

"C'mon, why do I have to go out there looking like a rotting zombie? I know you don't have much to work with, but can't you do something?"

"Stanley, you look fine. You look exactly the way you're supposed to look. Besides, they'll be focused on the fact that you're a snappy dresser."

Stanley was wearing a black three-piece suit. He'd half expected Veronica to insist that he walk out there in his boxers so that they could gape at his body, but the suit had been her idea.

"It's itchy."

"You're a big boy. You can handle being itchy for a while."

Stanley shifted nervously in his chair. "Are you sure they aren't, like, expecting me to bite the head off a chicken or something?"

"Just relax," Veronica told him. "Take deep breaths. Visualize yourself standing calmly in front of the audience, answering their questions in an articulate, charming manner."

"That sounds more like fantasizing."

"Do it. Close your eyes and picture yourself behind that podium."

Stanley closed his eyes. "Wow. Now whenever I close my eyes I see rabid elephants. I bet that's not a side effect you guys were expecting."

"Be serious. Or at least be funnier."

Brant, wearing his white lab jacket, walked into the dressing room. "We're ready to begin."

They left the dressing room and proceeded to the next door in the corridor. They were no longer in the underground bunker, which, surprisingly to Stanley, was in a regular town rather than hidden out in the desert. They'd climbed up a ladder and emerged in a small warehouse that was empty except for Brant, Veronica, and Dr. Arnzin's cars. They gotten into Brant's car with its tinted windows and drove about ten blocks to the building with the press conference.

Brant, Veronica, and Stanley walked into a small area covered by a curtain. They were standing right next to a stage, but the curtain blocked Stanley's view of the audience.

"You'll do fine," Brant told him. "Just keep the swearing under control."

"I'll do my gosh-darn heckin' best."

Brant walked up on stage to a smattering of applause. He stood behind the podium and addressed the crowd.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very pleased that you can be with us today for this historic event. You all saw the resurrection on live television, and now you're going to meet the scientific miracle of the past two millennia. I give you Stanley Dabernath, the Amazing Mr. Corpse!"

Veronica gave Stanley a light shove, and he walked up onto the stage.

Approximately one hundred people sat on folding chairs in the room, all of them holding notebooks or tape recorders. Several other people were in front of the stage with video cameras. CNN, CBS, FOX, NBC, ABC…hell, even MTV was here.

They were all gaping at him.

Stanley took his place behind the podium and fidgeted nervously with the microphone. "Uhhhhh…hi."

Virtually every hand in the place shot up at once.

Stanley coughed and cleared his throat, then pointed to an attractive young female reporter in the front row. "Your question?"

"How are you feeling?"

Stanley's mind went completely blank. How was he feeling?

"Alive," he finally said.

There was some light laughter from the audience. Stanley relaxed a bit. He glanced off-stage and saw Veronica giving him the thumbs-up sign.

"You," said Stanley, pointing to another attractive female journalist a couple of rows back.

"I hate to ask such a weighty question this early in the conference, but I think everybody here wants to know: when you were dead, did you see God?"

Stanley thought for a long moment. "I don't remember."

"You don't remember?"

Stanley shook his head.

"You don't think that maybe that's something you'd try to remember?"

"Let's not be antagonistic," said Brant. "Next question, please."

"Do you remember anything at all about being dead?" asked a heavyset guy in a tacky blue suit without being called on.

"Nothing," Stanley admitted. "In fact, if Mr. Brant here hadn't forced me to look at photos of my refrigerated corpse while he had me tied to the bed, I probably still wouldn't believe that I was dead."

Stanley glanced over at Veronica. She was no longer giving him the thumbs-up sign.

Brant seemed completely unphased. "Unfortunately, the process of resurrection is not a pretty one, and of course you all saw Mr. Dabernath's reaction when he first became aware of his surroundings. Certain precautionary measures were and will continue to be necessary to keep this scientific marvel from accidentally harming himself."

"I guess I can be kind of a klutz," Stanley told the audience. They laughed. He pointed to a drop-dead gorgeous brunette near the back. "Your question?"

"How do you feel about being dubbed The Amazing Mr. Corpse?"

Stanley shrugged. "It's not very scary, is it? Somebody who looks the way I do should have a spooky name. Maybe The Terrifying Mr. Corpse. The Grotesque Mr. Corpse. The Oozing Mr. Corpse."

"Of course, we prefer to stick with The Amazing Mr. Corpse for PR purposes," said Brant.

"Look at this, he brings me back to life and thinks he's my agent," said Stanley. "I owe him a hundred percent of my soul and twenty percent of my income."

The audience laughed again. Stanley relaxed some more. This wasn't so bad. At the very least it would probably drum up some business for Demented Whackos Video.

He called on another pretty girl. "What proof do we have that you really did come back to life and this isn't just an elaborate hoax?" she asked.

"You could come up and touch me."

"Seriously?"

"Sure."

The journalist stood up. Stanley watched the sexy way her hips moved as she made her way through the row of reporters and past the security guard in the back who was holding a gun and pointing it at-

As the bullet struck him, Stanley stumbled backwards against the curtain. A second gunshot rung out as he tumbled to the floor, a stinging pain in his chest. He heard screaming and the thunder of footsteps and felt two pairs of hands pull him to his feet and rush him off the stage.

A door behind him slammed shut.

"Stanley, can you hear me?" asked Brant.

Stanley was too stunned to respond.

Brant and Veronica hurriedly unbuttoned his suit and then the white dress shirt underneath it. Stanley saw a bullet hole in his chest, just to the left of his solar plexus, but there was no blood.

It hurt like hell.

"Stanley, can you hear me?" Brant repeated. "Curse if you can hear me."

"Fuck!"

"He's fine," said Veronica.

"I'm not fine! I just got shot! I'm the exact opposite of fine, thank you very much! Maybe we should shoot you and see just how fine you feel, huh? Oh, I know, let's find the psycho in the back of the room and borrow his gun!"

Veronica put her hand on Stanley's shoulder. "Shhhhh. You're babbling."

"I'm not babbling! I'm ranting!"

"Either way, settle down. You need to stay calm."

"It hurts."

"I know it hurts, but you'll be okay. See? There's no blood."

Stanley looked at the gunshot wound again. "I know you meant that to be reassuring, but really, the lack of blood is kinda freaking me out." He touched the hole and winced.

"We'll have Dr. Arnzin dig out the bullet as soon as possible," said Brant.

"Oh, now that's making me feel calmer."

"I suppose we could just leave it lodged in your body."

"Don't be a prick."

"I am not the one engaging in prick-like behavior, Mr. Dabernath. I don't expect you to be grateful for what we've done for you, but you could at least be somewhat less hostile."

Stanley sighed. "Okay, I'm sorry. It just hurts!"

"Did I hear right?" asked Brant. "Did the Amazing Mr. Corpse just apologize? What kind of surreal world have we entered?"

"Don't be a prick."