Patrick D'Orazio - Into the Dark

She squeezed his hand again. “I’m telling you it is okay to be afraid. I’m not here to argue with you; I’m telling you how things are in the real world.”

Jason stared at Lydia, disbelief etched on his face. Her eyes had narrowed, and she looked annoyed with him. “Trust someone who has been around the block a few times, okay? Being afraid is your body and brain telling you something… something you might not be able to figure out otherwise.”

Jason shook his head again and somehow found the words to offer up a retort.

“But Michael told me I was brave. He told me I needed to keep being brave because I have it in me to be a great leader someday, and all leaders need to be brave and sure of themselves.”

Lydia smiled at Jason. She grabbed up his other hand and pressed them together beneath her own. Jason no longer resisted her touch.

“I am sure that you will be a good leader someday, Jason. I have no doubt about that. But bravery isn’t the only quality a good leader needs.”

Jason felt stupid for what he had said. Of course courage was not the only thing required to be a leader. He knew that. He regrouped his thoughts and tried again.

“I know. But if I can’t even be brave enough to go outside the RV again and not be embarrassed about what happened earlier, none of that other stuff will ever matter.”

Lydia laughed. It was a hearty, rich laugh filled with warmth and comfort.

“Oh, Jason, my dear. You still have a lot to learn about being a leader and a lot to learn about what being brave really means.” She shook her head. “Don’t sweat it too much-you will have plenty of time to figure it all out, hopefully. Suffice it to say you are doing pretty well at such a young age.”

He looked at her and tried to return her smile, but it failed to form on his face.

“But it isn’t like I still have to graduate from high school or anything like that. There aren’t any more schools. There aren’t any more teachers to teach me anything. I need to learn for myself right now.”

Jason paused, and Lydia remained silent, waiting for more.

“That’s what makes me so mad about not being allowed to go out with the men. I need to be out there with them, learning how to be a man.” He stared at her. “I need to learn how to be brave.”

It felt good to say. It did not sound childish or stupid, and it certainly did not sound like he was pouting or whining. That was something he desperately wanted to avoid doing anymore. It was what he had done when he ran back to the RV instead of standing up for himself. He had run off to pout like a baby, and everyone probably had a good laugh when he did; in fact, he was certain they had. Everyone but Michael. He had probably been disappointed with Jason instead.

Lydia nodded, absorbing Jason’s words. He felt like he was redeeming himself in her eyes. He wanted to do the same with everyone else. Maybe even George. If only the man could see him as more than just a child.

“Jason, you are already very brave. It’s not something you can learn about. Bravery is doing what you have to in a tough situation, not acting foolishly so you can show everyone how tough you are. Bravery is putting others’ needs ahead of your own.” She leaned toward the boy. “Just like George did for you.”

If Lydia had dropped a brick on his head, it would not have stunned Jason any more. His jaw dropped, and he suddenly felt very warm. He attempted to bolt, but Lydia was prepared. She clamped down hard on Jason’s hands again, and as he tried to slide off the bed, she dug her nails into his skin until he yelped in surprise. Jason’s eyes widened, and he stared at Lydia in astonishment. Her expression hadn’t changed in the slightest.

“Jason, you have got to stop thinking only of yourself. Everything you’ve said so far tells me that you are an exceptionally smart boy who knows right from wrong and every one of the Ten Commandments. I bet your mother even taught you the Golden Rule. I would go one further: She not only taught it to you, she made you live like you believed in it.”

Jason’s mouth widened in surprise. He couldn’t think of anything to say. Lydia was in full gallop, and there was nothing a twelve-year-old boy could do to rein her in until she was good and ready to stop.

“Now I’m sure you would like to believe that just because Michael has taken a liking to you and was willing to let you go out with him on this mission he cooked up, that following him out there is something you had to do.”

Lydia bowed her head and closed her eyes for a second, her hands still firmly clasping Jason’s. “Michael is a good man. I truly believe that. But he is no more perfect or wise than any other person living inside these thin metal walls. We are all here by the grace of God and for no other reason that I can see. Nothing Michael did or could have done by himself would have been enough to allow us to find this place.

“Look, what I am trying to say is that while it is never a bad idea to make a new friend, you should never let that friend’s ideas or viewpoint overshadow your own or those of other people already in your life. People who care a great deal for you and want only what’s best for you.”

This was beginning to sound like the sermon Jason had been dreading when Lydia first walked in. It had taken her a while, but she had finally gotten around to it. The old lady was chastising him for acting the way he had with George, Jeff, and Megan. She was one sneaky old wom-

The sound of the slap echoed off the walls, and its force nearly knocked Jason over. He raised his hand to his face and moved back from the woman who had been, up until now, a gentle and caring old soul with a grip like iron.

Lydia had seen the look on Jason’s face. Before, Jason had been listening carefully, but once she had started in on the three adults in his life and how it was important for him to respect them, he had that glower of resentment she’d seen when she first came into the RV. She figured a little attention grabber was in order.

“Now you listen and listen good! There are three people out there who love you and who busted their asses to get you here safely. They have sacrificed and done everything they could to keep you out of harm’s way. Just because you’ve joined up with the rest of us doesn’t mean they’ve tossed away their responsibility for you. Don’t you think that for even one second!”

“I helped them too!” Jason retorted. “I took care of myself! They didn’t do it all… ” Those words and more tumbled out, shouted and layered on top of each other. He screamed them and screamed some others. Before long, Jason was gasping for air. Lydia nodded at every enraged comment he made. That only served to increase his rage and kept him going for a couple more minutes. When he felt he had exhausted his supply of venom, he lapsed into a sullen silence. Lydia waited until Jason’s breathing was back to normal before she spoke.

“Did it feel good to get that off your chest?”

Jason’s eyes snapped up to look at Lydia. There was fire in them. “Did it feel good hitting me?”

Lydia’s expression changed. It was tinged with regret.

“No, not at all.”

They sat looking at one another for a while.

“Jason, I didn’t slap you to punish you. I slapped you to wake you up,” Lydia said after the silence had stretched on long enough.

Jason was tired of feeling confused by Lydia’s words, but it was happening all over again. His look betrayed his thoughts.

“You were tuning me out. You didn’t want to hear what I had to say… and you really needed to hear it.”

“But I already know all that stuff.” Jason sounded weary and frustrated. “Look, I don’t need to hear again about how much George has sacrificed for me. I don’t need Megan trying to protect me. And I don’t need Jeff… ” He looked confused. “I don’t need him trying to stick up for me in front of Michael. I don’t need their help, and I don’t need them. Not anymore.”