Charlie Huston: Every Last Drop

said. III come back and we'll assume this position again. And III make your big mouth a whole lot bigger.

He starts to nod, scrapes his lips on the blade, freezes.

I shake my head. -Now I'm gonna hit you.

He rolls his eyes.

I nod.

— I'm doing it to knock you out so you don't see where I head off to. Not so hard that III break your jaw or any teeth, but I'm gonna put you to sleep.

I fold the razor away.

He wipes his mouth. -Jesus, Joe, I could just close my eyes.

I flick my butt away. -Shut the fuck up, Phil, you're getting off easy.

He covers his eyes with his hands. -If you say so. Just get it over with.

I cock my fist.

— Hey, Phil, is that your dealer?

He uncovers his eyes. -Where, where?

I punch him in the face and break his jaw and a couple teeth and he's down.

I wipe his blood from my fingers as I walk to the middle of the street and look to the next block. I see what I want and head that way.

I keep my feet moving, my eyes forward, fighting the draw of the building behind me, a force that drags on me, pulling open a wound as I move farther away.

Figure it's life. Figure we all got one. Figure how you gamble yours is nobody else's nevermind.

She says she doesn't know who I am.

Well I can't help her on that score.

Figure the wound is just as raw whoever I am.

Figure I could have said more. Told her where I came from. Who birthed me. What I was like when I was a kid. What school I dropped out of. My whole curriculum vitae.

Figure I could have gone over all the years we had together. Cut open

every one. Told her what I was thinking and when. Why I told every lie. What they cost me to tell. What I hoped they were buying me.

Who's got time to waste in that? A catalogue of lies.

Bottom line.

You want something to be safe, you pay a price.

And that's the deal in the end. She's safer in there than she is out here.

In there, she's got people who got her back. Out here, she's only got me. And once Predo starts sniffing after what I'm here for, he'll find her. He'll smell her like my blood in the water, and go straight to her.

And I won't be able to stop him.

She's safe inside. Safer, anyway. And anything I could have said to talk her into leaving would just have dragged her into the middle of something out of all control.

But that doesn't change a fact.

Letting her tear loose leaves a wound.

That wound don't close. No reason it should.

Wound like that, if you want to not feel it, you better have something planned to keep your mind off the pain.

I come to the next block and kneel in the street and work my fingers into the slots at the edges of a manhole cover and pull it free.

I look down the hole, and I think about the other hole.

A war.

Such a thing, you got to be on one side or the other. You got to know what you want, or get caught in the flames.

I smoke, kick a bottle to the gutter, spit, and smoke some more.

Kill the future.

Save the lost.

Choose a side.

I start down the hole. Burying myself. Away from what I want. But close enough. Close enough to protect it.

Close enough to feel it.

Love above me, shuttered away, pulling, pulling me still.

A gravity that cant be broken.

No matter who I am.