Anne Rice - The Vampire Lestat

"And I'll know people like you, " I went on, "people who have thoughts in their heads and quick tongues with which to voice them, and we'll sit in cafes and we'll drink together and we'll clash with each other violently in words, and we'll talk for the rest of our lives in divine excitement. " He reached out and put his arm around my neck and kissed me. We almost upset the table we were so blissfully drunk.

"My lord, the wolfkiller," he whispered. When the third bottle of wine came, I began to talk of my life, as I'd never done before-of what it was like each day to ride out into the mountains, to go so far I couldn't see the towers of my father's house anymore, to ride above the tilled land to the place where the forest seemed almost haunted. The words began to pour out of me as they had out of him, and soon we were talking about a thousand things we had felt in our hearts, varieties of secret loneliness, and the words seemed to be essential words the way they did on those rare occasions with my mother. And as we came to describe our longings and dissatisfactions, we were saying things to each other with great exuberance, like "Yes, yes, " and "Exactly, " and "I know completely what you mean, " and "And yes, of course, you felt that you could not bear it, " etc. Another bottle, and a new fire. And I begged Nicolas to play his violin for me. He rushed home immediately to get it. It was now late afternoon. The sun was slanting through the window and the fire was very hot. We were very drunk. We had never ordered supper. And I think I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I lay on the lumpy straw mattress of the little bed with my hands under my head watching him as he took out the instrument. He put the violin to his shoulder and began to pluck at it and twist the pegs. Then he raised the bow and drew it down hard over the strings to bring out the first note. I sat up and pushed myself back against the paneled wall and stared at him because I couldn't believe the sound I was hearing. He ripped into the song. He tore the notes out of the violin and each note was translucent and throbbing. His eyes were closed, his mouth a little distorted, his lower lip sliding to the side, and what struck my heart almost as much as the song itself was the way that he seemed with his whole body to lean into the music, to press his soul like an ear to the instrument. I had never known music like it, the rawness of it, the intensity, the rapid glittering torrents of notes that came out of the strings as he sawed away. It was Mozart that he was playing, and it had all the gaiety, the velocity, and the sheer loveliness of everything Mozart wrote. When he'd finished, I was staring at him and I realized I was gripping the sides of my head.

"Monsieur, what's the matter! " he said, almost helplessly, and I stood up and threw my arms around him and kissed him on both cheeks and kissed the violin.

"Stop calling me Monsieur, " I said. "Call me by my name. " I lay back down on the bed and buried my face on my arm and started to cry, and once I'd started I couldn't stop it. He sat next to me, hugging me and asking me why I was crying, and though I couldn't tell him, I could see that he was overwhelmed that his music had produced this effect. There was no sarcasm or bitterness in him now. I think he carried me home that night. And the next morning I was standing in the crooked stone street in front of his father's shop, tossing pebbles up at his window. When he stuck his head out, I said:

"Do you want to come down and go on with our conversation? "

From then on, when I was not hunting, my life was with Nicolas and "our conversation. " Spring was approaching, the mountains were dappled with green, the apple orchard starting back to life. And Nicolas and I were always together. We took long walks up the rocky slopes, had our bread and wine in the sun on the grass, roamed south through the ruins of an old monastery. We hung about in my rooms or sometimes climbed to the battlements. And we went back to our room at the inn when we were too drunk and too loud to be tolerated by others. And as the weeks passed we revealed more and more of ourselves to each other. Nicolas told me about his childhood at school, the little disappointments of his early years, those whom he had known and loved. And I started to tell him the painful things-and finally the old disgrace of running off with the Italian players. It came to that one night when we were in the inn again, and we were drunk as usual. In fact we were at that moment of drunkenness that the two of us had come to call the Golden Moment, when everything made sense. We always tried to stretch out that moment, and then inevitably one of us would confess, "I can't follow anymore, I think the Golden Moment's passed. " On this night, looking out the window at the moon over the mountains, I said that at the Golden Moment it was not so terrible that we weren't in Paris, that we weren't at the Opera or the Comedie, waiting for the curtain to rise.

"You and the theaters of Paris, " he said to me. "No matter what we're talking about you bring it back to the theaters and the actors-' His brown eyes were very big and trusting. And even drunk as he was, he looked spruce in his red velvet Paris frock coat.

"Actors and actresses make magic, " I said. "They make things happen on the stage; they invent; they create. "

"Wait until you see the sweat streaming down their painted faces in the glare of the footlights, " he answered.

"Ah, there you go again, " I said. "And you, the one who gave up everything to play the violin. " He got terribly serious suddenly, looking off as if he were weary of his own struggles.

"That I did, " he confessed. Even now the whole village knew it was war between him and his father. Nicki wouldn't go back to school in Paris.

"You make life when you play, " I said. "You create something from nothing. You make something good happen. And that is blessed to me. "

"I make music and it makes me happy, " he said. "What is blessed or good about that? " I waved it away as I always did his cynicism now.

"I've lived all these years among those who create nothing and change nothing, " I said.

"Actors and musicians-they're saints to me. "

"Saints? " he asked. "Blessedness? Goodness? Lestat, your language baffles me. " I smiled and shook my head.

"You don't understand. I'm speaking of the character of human beings, not what they believe in. I'm speaking of those who won't accept a useless lie, just because they were born to it. I mean those who would be something better. They work, they sacrifice, they do things. . . " He was moved by this, and I was a little surprised that I'd said it. Yet I felt I had hurt him somehow.

"There is blessedness in that, " I said. "There's sanctity. And God or no God, there is goodness in it. I know this the way I know the mountains are out there, that the stars shine. " He looked sad for me. And he looked hurt still. But for the moment I didn't think of him. I was thinking of the conversation I had had with my mother and my perception that I couldn't be good and defy my family. But if I believed what I was saying . . . As if he could read my mind, he asked:

"But do you really believe those things? "

"Maybe yes. Maybe no, " I said. I couldn't bear to see him look so sad. And I think more on account of that than anything else I told him the whole story of how I'd run off with the players. I told him what I'd never told anyone, not even my mother, about those few days and the happiness they'd given me.

"Now, how could it not have been good, " I asked, "to give and receive such happiness? We brought to life that town when we put on our play. Magic, I tell you. It could heal the sick, it could. " He shook his head. And I knew there were things he wanted to say which out of respect for me he was leaving to silence.