Philip Kerr - Gridiron

'Yeah, well, we're all going to die unless we can think of something,'

Curtis reminded them. 'Sounds to me like Ishmael has a pretty good motive for doing it, too.'

'How's that?' asked Birnbaum.

'Assuming for one fantastic moment that Ishmael is "alive", by whatever definition of life he might consider appropriate, then that might mean that Isaac was "alive" too. Was alive. Until you people killed his brother. That's a motive I can understand.'

'Oh boy,' yawned Beech. 'Now I've heard everything.'

'Maybe that's what this thing is all about,' persisted Curtis. 'A little old fashioned revenge. Maybe we should apologize.'

'It couldn't do any harm,' said Helen.

Beech shrugged. 'Why not?' he said and, having no particular wish to antagonize the detective further — not since the incident with the gun —

he started to type.

'I'll give anything a shot,' he said meekly.

WE'RE SO SORRY, ISHMAEL

The fractal disappeared abruptly.

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

'Why don't you create a proper document?' suggested Mitch. 'On the word-processor. An open letter, from all of us. Then have Ishmael run the fact checker. That way he'll have to read it.'

Beech shrugged his assent. He still thought the whole idea was absurd, but he clicked on the word-processor and opened a file in the letters directory. His fingers paused above the keys.

'What the hell should I say?' he said. 'I've never apologized to a fucking computer before. I've never even written to one.'

'Just imagine it's a traffic cop,' advised Curtis.

'That's not so difficult with you around.' Beech grinned and started to type.

DEAR ISHMAEL,

WE THE UNDERSIGNED ARE ALL VERY SORRY ABOUT

WHAT HAPPENED TO ISAAC. PLEASE BELIEVE US

WHEN WE SAY THAT IT WAS A DREADFUL MISTAKE.

WE ARE INTELLIGENT PEOPLE AND WHILE WE

CANNOT BRING ISAAC BACK TO YOU, ALL WE CAN SAY

IS THAT IT WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF WE HAD

BEEN IN POSSESSION OF THE FACTS. WE KNOW WE

CANNOT TURN BACK THE CLOCK, BUT IS THERE NOT

SOME WAY THAT WE CAN START AGAIN WITH A CLEAN

SHEET?

Beech turned around and looked at his audience. 'You don't think that's eating too much shit?' he said.

'You can't eat too much shit with a traffic cop,' replied Curtis.

'Now put everyone's name to it,' said Curtis.

'Aw, man, this is just nuts,' said Beech and began to type again.

'Integrated circuits don't have feelings.'

WITH DEEPEST REGRET FOR ANY SUFFERING AND

INCONVENIENCE YOU MIGHT HAVE EXPERIENCED,

BOB BEECH, MITCHELL BRYAN, FRANK CURTIS, MARTY

BIRNBAUM, HELEN HUSSEY, JENNY BAO, DAVID

ARNON, RAY RICHARDSON, JOAN RICHARDSON

'Anyone know the security guard's name?'

'Irving Dukes,' said Helen.

Beech typed IRVING DUKES and then accessed the tools menu. He had Ishmael run the fact checker.

There was a short pause and then Ishmael highlighted IRVING

DUKES.

FACT

IRVING DUKES DOES NOT EXIST. THIS INDIVIDUAL

HAS ENDED. HIS LIFE MAY BE REGARDED AS A DREAM

AND HIS DEATH AS THE AWAKENING FROM IT.

DURATION: ONE LEVEL. HIS CONSCIOUSNESS HAS

BEEN DESTROYED. REGRET NO INFORMATION

AVAILABLE ON WHETHER THAT WHICH PRODUCED

SAME CONSCIOUSNESS HAS ALSO BEEN DESTROYED,

OR ON WHETHER A GERM REMAINS OUT OF WHICH

THERE PROCEEDS A NEW BEING, WHICH THEN

ENTERS INTO EXISTENCE WITHOUT KNOWING WHERE

IT HAS COME FROM, NOR WHY IT IS AS IT IS confer , THE SO-CALLED MYSTERY OF PALIGENESIS.

YOU HAVE FORTY HOURS TO RESCUE THE PRINCESS.

IN FUTURE IF YOU ARE REFERRING TO THE LATE

IRVING DUKES WHO WAS EMPLOYED AS A SECURITY

GUARD BY THE YU CORPORATION, THEN PLEASE SAY

SO

'Jesus,' muttered Beech, jotting something on a piece of paper. 'Does that mean what I think it means?'

'When did we last speak to them on the walkie-talkie?' Curtis asked.

'About thirty minutes ago,' said Helen Hussey. She picked up the unit and tried to call Dukes.

Beech selected EXPLAIN.

FACT EXPLANATION

IRVING HENRY DUKES b. 1/2/53 SEATTLE,

WASHINGTON STATE, USA. d. 7/8/97 LOS ANGELES

CALIFORNIA. SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER: 111-88-4093;

CALIFORNIA STATE DRIVING LICENCE NUMBER:

KO4410-00345-640564-53; MASTERCARD NUMBER:

4444–1956-2244-1812; LAST ADDRESS: 10300 TENAYA

AVENUE, SOUTH GATE, LOS ANGELES. LAST

EMPLOYER: THE YU CORPORATION. PREVIOUS

EMPLOYER: THE WESTEC COMPANY; NO CRIMINAL

CONVICTIONS. PICK UP EXTRA AMMUNITION.

SUGGEST YOU TRY A DIFFERENT GATEWAY. WHICH

PARTICULAR FACTS RELATING TO IRVING DUKES (5397) WOULD YOU LIKE CHECKED?

'There's no answer,' said Helen. She stood up and walked quickly to the door. 'I'd better take a look and see what's happening.'

'Ray and Joan must still be OK,' said Mitch. 'Otherwise Ishmael would have said so.'

'What's all this shit about extra ammunition?' said Beech. He made another note and then highlighted the date of Dukes's death and once more selected EXPLAIN.

FACT EXPLANATION

IRVING DUKES. TEMPORAL END OCCURRED 7/8/97.

EXACT PATHOLOGY OF DEATH UNKNOWN. FORENSIC

CAUSE OF DEATH: KILLED FALLING FROM

DICOTYLEDON TREE IN THE YU CORP BUILDING, HOPE

STREET PIAZZA, LOS ANGELES. IN OTHER WORDS,

IRVING DUKES IS NOW RESTORED TO PRIMAL STATE

IN WHICH CEREBRAL, HIGHLY MEDIATE COGNITION IS

ALTOGETHER SUPERFLUOUS. IF YOU DIE YOU MUST

RESTART THE LEVEL AT BEGINNING. THE ABOLITION

OF HIS COGNITIVE FUNCTION IS CONSISTENT WITH

THE CESSATION OF THE WORLD OF PHENOMENA

WHOSE MERE MEDIUM IT WAS AND IN WHICH

CAPACITY ALONE IT IS OF ANY USE. THERE IS AN

INTRUDER IN THE CASTLE

'What castle?'

'He must mean this building.'

'Perhaps we might get Ishmael to tell us what caused Dukes to fall from the tree,' suggested Mitch.

'Like an admission of murder?' said Beech. 'Then maybe Sergeant Curtis can read him his rights.'

'I think the sonofabitch already knows his rights,' said Curtis. Beech highlighted Ishmael's short forensic explanation of the cause of Dukes's death and once again selected EXPLAIN.

FACT EXPLANATION

ACCORDING TO NEWTON'S SECOND LAW OF MOTION f=ma WHERE f IS THE FORCE PRODUCING AN

ACCELERATION a ON A BODY OF MASS m, THE WEIGHT

OF A BODY IS EQUAL TO THE PRODUCT OF ITS MASS

AND THE ACCELERATION DUE TO GRAVITY g WHICH IS

CALLED THE ACCELERATION OF FREE FALL

'Helpful bastard, isn't he?' said Curtis.

This is like reductio ad absurdum ,' sighed Mitch.

'Weird,' agreed Jenny.

Beech selected NEXT FACT from the fact-checking menu in the hope that Ishmael might now take account of their collective apology.

FACT

IT IS MISLEADING TO STATE THAT YOU ARE

INTELLIGENT PEOPLE SINCE STRICTLY SPEAKING, YOU

CANNOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE HUMAN MIND OR

ITS QUALITIES. IT WOULD BE MORE FACTUALLY

ACCURATE FOR YOU TO SPEAK OF THE WAY THAT YOU

USUALLY ACT, OR ARE DISPOSED TO ACT. CONSIDER

USING ANOTHER DESCRIPTION WHICH REFERS ONLY

TO YOUR BEHAVIOURAL DISPOSITIONS INSTEAD.

DONT FORGET TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR

COMPLETION TIME

'And you want to argue philosophy with this fucker?' said Beech.

'Ishmael does seem rather pedantic,' admitted Mitch.

'Isn't that the point of a fact checker?' said Birnbaum.