Sergei Lukyanenko - The Genome

“Painful. But only pilots have to worry about it.”

“How come speshes are always so suicidal…” murmured Puck.

“Did you say something, Navigator?” said Alex.

“No, Captain. I’ve taken your wishes into account. Next time, I will be guided only by the maximal optimization of the route, not by its safety. Excuse me.”

He turned around and disappeared into his module. The door slammed behind him.

“Looks like we’ve offended him….” said Morrison softly.

Alex thought in passing that what had offended Generalov was the co-pilot’s intrusion. When he talked to him one-on-one, the navigator was still open to suggestion. But when faced alone with two speshes, he immediately retreated into his shell.

“I shouldn’t have interfered,” sighed Morrison, as if reading his mind. “I’m sorry, Captain.”

“Let’s go have a drink,” said Alex. “After all, we’ve just had our first training session, and a rather successful one, I should say.”

“Alright. The girls are already there, I see.” Morrison shifted his gaze away from the empty hall. “Captain… just in case… are you involved with Kim or Janet?”

“Not yet.”

“Would you mind if I courted the girl?”

“Absolutely not.” Alex smirked. “Hell, you’re also a pilot… so why these questions?”

“Well, you never know,” Xang explained as they walked down the hall. “Of course, we can’t love, so we’re spared the emotional prejudices… But I once worked on a ship, a medium-tonnage freighter, nothing out of the ordinary… well, the third pilot was involved with a navigator girl, and his reaction was quite hostile. His religious beliefs didn’t allow being unfaithful, you see.”

“Thank God, I’m an atheist.”

“That settles it, then.” Morrison nodded.

“There’s just one thing, Xang. The girl’s in love with me. But I won’t be upset if she chooses you as a more appropriate object of affection.”

Xang smiled contentedly, but said nothing. He had needed so little to put him in a good mood! Only seven minutes of contact with the ship.

They passed by several closed cabin doors and reached a small circular lounge. Passengers and crewmembers always shared the recreation hall on small spaceships, and the furnishings were a compromise between asceticism and luxury. The compromise was never a happy one, and this lounge was no exception. The plastic walls were decorated by still lifes in heavy wooden frames that were way too fancy. The oval-shaped table was made of ordinary foamed metal, but two small sofas and armchairs were constructed from wood, though they did have safety straps. A tiny field bar was incongruously filled with exquisite beverages—from Earthly wines to Edemian cognacs and ambrosia. And small emergency lights surrounded the delicately wrought crystal lamp on the ceiling.

It all looked as though the unknown designer had simply tossed together bits of standard interiors to create a random mix of passenger lounge and crew lounge.

The door leading to a tiny kitchenette stood open, and Janet was already bustling around in there. Alex happily noted her willingness to get snacks ready. Had Janet been a feminist, no one could have gotten her into a kitchen, even at gunpoint.

Kim was sitting in an armchair near the wall with a goblet in her hand. She gave them an unusually gloomy look as they walked in.

“When the captain enters, one should stand up,” said Janet quietly without turning. Kim jumped up, all but spilling the contents of her goblet.

Hiring Janet was beginning to look like the best decision Alex had made in the last few days. If anyone could make a true astronaut out of Kim, it would be a lady from Eben.

“However,” Janet continued in the same tone of voice, “traditionally, female crewmembers do not abide by this rule and salute the captain’s arrival with a nod… or a charming smile.”

And she turned around, demonstrating that smile to Alex.

“Thank you, Janet,” he said. “Kim, please sit down.”

“Sandwiches, anyone?” asked Janet without even a hint of formality in her tone, as she came out of the kitchenette with a tray in her hands.

“Wow! Thanks.” Xang sat down sideways next to Kim. He smiled at the girl. “Friend-spesh, you look great on watch!”

Kim snorted. Looked at Alex with piercing intensity, as if she had heard them talking in the hallway… Damn it!

Alex felt his face turning red. But of course! Less than eleven yards of hallway was nothing to Kim’s enhanced hearing!

“And you must be that dangling bit of green snot I saw?” she asked Morrison in all innocence. There was a silence. Then Morrison faked a laugh.

“Usually my virtual image inspires more pleasant associations, you little white vortex.”

“My first impression was more pleasant,” said Kim bluntly.

Now Morrison also caught on. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, threw a guilty look at Alex.

What could be done now? To Kim, it looked all too obvious. Two boors decide to share her, and the one she loves agrees to give her up without so much as a second thought.

The situation was saved—to the extent that it could be—by Paul. The engineer was leaving his module. Alex heard the squelching sound of the hermetic hatchway, then waited a moment. Of course, everyone but Kim knew exactly what was happening. But Kim couldn’t help herself and asked:

“What’s he doing now?”

The “bit of green snot” was first to answer. Xang was uncommonly persistent, it seemed.

“The engineer’s job, even on clean gluon reactors, always carries the risk of irradiation.”

Kim shrugged, unimpressed by such rudimentary information.

“His body is thoroughly specialized,” Xang continued. “His skull and his pelvic bones contain a lot of lead, to act as a screen. His ribs are fused into a single bone-and-cartilage plate, for the same reasons… But protecting the reproductive organs has always been one of the main challenges. You see, Kim, the irradiation of the testicles may lead to unwanted mutations.”

“They should have more women engineers,” said Kim darkly.

“That’s what we were doing on Eben,” noted Janet. She languidly reached for a huge sandwich and took a bite.

“In the last few decades,” continued Morrison, completely unabashed, “the most rational solution to this problem has been adopted… Hi, Paul!”

The engineer nodded, entering the lounge.

“The solution was found in one of the practices of sumo wrestling,” said Xang. “In case of emergency, Lourier draws his testicles into his pelvic cavity, where they are completely safe from radiation.”

“Wow!” Kim looked at the engineer with admiration. “Is that hard?”

“It’s a bit tough to explain to someone not in the trade,” said Paul, reaching for a sandwich. “Generally, it isn’t. The main thing is not to rush it, otherwise it hurts a little.”

“Captain, what are you drinking?” asked Janet.

“Red wine, please”—Alex bowed his head slightly toward Lourier, and Paul returned the polite gesture—“out of solidarity with the professional traditions of our engineer. You did a good job, Paul.”

“Thank you, Captain. We have a great ship. It’s a pleasure to work with it.”

Finally, Generalov also appeared. He paused in the hallway and looked at his fellow crewmembers.

“Captain, I’ve checked the alternative route through the Monica-3 tunnel. There’s a seventy-two percent chance that it won’t give us any time advantage.”

“Why is that?” asked Alex.

“Such is the probability of a ritual battle of the Bronins at the moment we reach that system. Even if we manage to avoid getting involved in the fray, all the maneuvering to escape pursuit will take anywhere from nine hours to three days.”