M. Marshall - The End Is Nigh

Under a pile of rubble was Matt’s Kawasaki. The motorbike he had ridden to work, on the day of the attacks. The sight of it knocked the wind out of me, and I dropped to my knees next to the bike. Frantic I started shovelling rubble away from it as best I could with my bare hands. I wasn’t fully aware of what I was doing until Liam grabbed hold of my shoulders and pulled me up. He held both sides of my face with his hands as he spoke to me waking me from the desperation of my task.

“What is it? Is the bike his?” Unable to answer I fell into Liam’s chest and heaved out heavy sobs.

“He’s here.” I cried. My hopes that he had been elsewhere had been dashed away. There was no way he would have gone anywhere without his bike. I knew that, in my heart. He loved that stupid thing.

I looked around pulling away from Liam’s arms and started combing through the piles of rubble nearby. There was rubble covering what would have been the centre of the road. I was looking for the house or anything that was left of it, stumbling I moved towards what was left of the row of houses I could see a wall which still stood. A pattern that I had seen before. It was the wallpaper from his Mum’s back kitchen. That was the back wall of their house, how could it be possible that I was seeing it now from the street?

My mind was racing. Was he under this? The body of my husband was buried underneath the place where I stood, the idea made me retch. My world was crashing in around me. I stared hopelessly at the ground.

“Even if I could move all of this-” The words died in my throat.

The mountain of rubble tormented me but what could I do? It had happened so long ago that there was no chance of me finding him alive. If I found his body, what then? I wasn’t sure I would be able to stomach the task of burying him.

That’s when I saw it, staring up at me half covered by the dust and stones. A picture of Rosa, it was the photo he had taken of her in the hospital the day after she had been born. It had been protected from dirt and the grit because he had kept it in the plastic photo holder of his leather wallet. In a daze, slowly I sat down on the floor and picked up Matt’s wallet. It had all of the usual items inside. After a moment I tucked it into the pocket of my jacket and stood. My legs shaking. I turned from the rubble of my family’s home to walk slowly back to the car.

I knew now. He wouldn’t have left his wallet even if he had left his bike. That was it. My husband was dead.

I DON’T REMEMBER much about what happened in the hours after visiting that destroyed place in Loughton. I sat in the back seat with my daughter on my knee, while a dog I didn’t know licked away tears streaming down my face and a man I’d only just met drove us all away.

I don’t know why I had been so convinced that Matt had lived. I’d always assumed he was more of a survivor than I was. That if I had somehow managed to make it through the events of the last few months, then he surely would have too. The grief that I had so far been denying myself was thrown over me like a shock of cold water.

Rosa cried. Not because she knew her father was dead but because I cried. I couldn’t give her the attention that she needed, and so she joined in. I didn’t care. When Liam stopped the car and opened the back door to get in beside us, I barely noticed. He lifted Rosa off my lap and cuddled her until she calmed down, then he put an arm around me.

“I’m so sorry. I know it hurts more than anything, but it will ease after a time. It does. I promise you.” Numbness engulfed me. I sat there. Wedged between strangers not caring what happened to me and totally forgot my responsibilities as a mother.

My senses were awakened by my nose prickling back to life. The smell of meat cooking, it brought me out of the numb state I had been in. I forced myself to look around. I got out of the back seat of the car and saw Rosa on the ground with Shadow who sat patiently on a sleeping bag. Beside them, Liam was cooking the rabbit Shadow had caught earlier that morning. He had made a spit out of tree branches and had it balanced over a small fire.

We were back in the wooded area where we had spent the night before. I walked over to sit down on the sleeping bag, and Rosa turned and smiled brightly, raising her arms to be cuddled. I obliged, she was all I had left of him now. I had to be better.

“Thought you might be hungry. You’ll have to show me how to make Rosa’s formula apparently I didn’t get it right. Either that or she was just mad because it was me and not you.” I looked over and saw that Liam hadn’t taken his eyes off the rabbit the whole time that he spoke. Except to glance periodically over at Rosa, Shadow also stared mesmerised by the turning rabbit. Shadow was probably even more hungry than I was. Poor guy probably wasn’t going to get much of a look in. Rosa let go of me and moved to sit down next to Shadow.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know how to thank you for everything you’ve done for us.” It was unbelievable really. This person I hardly knew had taken over looking after my daughter while I had been staring into space, grieving for my husband.

“You’re joking aren’t you? I haven’t had hot fresh meat in over two months things are on the up since I met you and your gang.” He smiled nodding in the direction of Shadow who was quietly curled around Rosa’s back like a chair. “Do you think you’re up to eating yet?”

“I think I can try. Thank you.” I gave him the best smile I could manage but my heart wasn’t in it, and I think he could tell, he kept a respectful distance, and we ate.

After a while, he broke the silence. “I was hoping that we would make it to the Bunker before nightfall. I don’t want to presume that’s where you’ll go next, but it’d certainly make me sleep better knowing that you are both safe.” I bristled a little at that. We had managed to look after ourselves pretty well so far. It seemed odd to me that he would be so concerned with our welfare. I didn’t need a guy to protect me, although I would be lying if I didn’t say I felt a weight lift from my shoulders when he was around. Another set of eyes looking out for one another. It wasn’t something I should take for granted and deep down I knew it.

“We’ll go with you, but I’m not sure how long we’ll stay. I have a sister. I want to find her. She’s the only family we’ve got left now, and I don’t intend to lose her.” I picked myself up off the forest floor acting with more confidence than I felt. I looked away from him as I spoke, he didn’t need to see the tears streaming down my cheeks. I concentrated on loading things back into the car. Liam followed my lead and started packing away too.

Shadow had been gorging himself on the bones of the rabbit ran over to the side of the SUV as soon as he realised what was happening. “How many times do we need to bring you along until you understand that we won’t leave without you?”

I bent down to reassure him, scratching his ear and then opened the back door and patted the seat, inviting him to jump in.

Within less than an hour of driving, we reached the area where we suspected the nuclear bunker to be. I had been vaguely aware of its existence before hearing the radio broadcasts. Liam was convinced that it was somewhere in this area.

“Look at all of the abandoned cars around here. We must be close.” I searched the side of the road that he pointed out to me, but all I could see was an old bungalow set far back from the road along a small private driveway.

“Really you think that is a nuclear bunker?”

“It looks like something out of a horror film doesn’t it?” He smiled and held out his hands pretending to be a zombie. I cocked a disapproving eyebrow and glared in his direction. “Sorry.”