Russell Hoban - Riddley Walker

I said, “All right Iwl do that.”

Pootys down then Punch grabs the sossage he terns his back to me and arga warga. I yelt, “Pooty!” but its too late becaws Punch terns roun agen and that sossage is all gone.

Punch is rubbing his hans in joy of it he says, “ Um. You cant beat a good banger. ”

Up comes Pooty with the frying pan and the babby which its a littl pink piglet. Pooty says to Punch, “Youve et that swossage havent you.”

Punch says, “ No I dint. ”

I said, “O yes you did.”

Punch says, “ O no I dint. ”

I said, “O yes you did.”

Pooty says, “Never mynd Iwl see if I can fynd a nother swossage.” She hans the babby to Punch she says, “You look after him wil you wylst Im gone.”

Punch is running his eye up and down that piglet he says, “ O yes Iwl look after him hewl be in good hans. You bes be off now after that swossage its a long time since Ive had any. ”

Pooty says to me, “Youwl give me a shout wont you if theres any nead.”

I said, “O yes Iwl do that.”

Pootys off then and Punch is holding the babby. Punch says, “ Youwl be good wont you. You wont cry wil you. ”

The babby dont say nothing.

Punch says to the babby, “ Les walky walky. ” He puts the babby down and backs off a littl. Hols out his arms and says, “ Walky walky .”

The babby that littl pink piglet slyds tords him like it wer on a string. Grey morning lite and candls sill lit in there. Shadders wivvering and wayvering on the smoak and flames paintit on the back cloth. Punchs head wer 1 solid peace of wood but looking at him I begun to think his joars myt open wide. “ O wot a good babby, ” says Punch. O how I hoapit that babby wer going to stay good nor not give him no bother.

Punch puts the babby back where he startit. He says, “ Walky walky ” agen.

“Wah!” says the babby.

Punch whacks the play board with his stick. “ Dont cry, ” says Punch to the babby. “ You look so terbel juicy when youre crying. ”

“Wah!” says the babby. “Wah wah wah!”

Punch grabs that littl pink piglet and I yelt, “Pooty!”

Pootys up then and grabbing the babby as wel. Shes pulling on 1 arm and Punch on the other it looks like theyre going to tear that littl pig in 2 peaces. Punch lets go of the babby he grabs his stick and hes beating Pooty and the babby. Pootys yelling, “Ow ow ow!” and the babbys screaming, “Wah wah wah!” til Punch beats them qwyet. Theyre boath dead then Punch has beat the life out of them. He puts them boath in the frying pan they dont fit too wel and hanging oven the sides but hes frying them the bes he can.

Up comes a ugly bloak he dont look like any kynd of good news for Punch. Hes got a hang tree which he sets it up on the play board. He says, “Jack Ketch is who I am which Im the Loakel Tharty roun here I thot I heard a woman frying.”

“ My wife, ” says Punch.

“Shes a beauty,” says Jack Ketch. “Iwl have a bit of that.”

“ Shes myn, ” says Punch, “ Eat your oan wife. ”

“I heard a babby frying and all,” says Jack Ketch. Hes got his nose pernear in that frying pan he dont ½ look hungry.

“ My babby, ” says Punch. “ Fynd your oan. ”

“You bes share with me or Iwl have you up for it,” says Jack Ketch.

“ Im hy a nuff all ready I dont nead no upping, ” says Punch.

“You shudve thot of that befor you come hitting piggy side,” says Jack Ketch hes readying the roap on his hang tree.

“ You mean bacon side, ” says Punch.

Jack Ketch says, “If a dead pig is bacon whats a dead Punch?”

Punch says, “ You wont never see no dead Punch Im too old to dy. ”

“This heres a magic tree itwl make you yung a nuff,” says Jack Ketch hes patting his hang tree.

“ Im too ripe for that, ” says Punch. “ The fruit dont go from the groun to the tree. ”

Jack Ketch says, “Youwl get back to the groun soon a nuff I wont keap you long jus only til youre dead dead dead.” He takes his hang tree in boath hans and trying to catch Punch in the loop of the roap.

“ You wont keap me at all, ” says Punch. “ Becaws Iwl whack you on the head head head. ” Hes whacking Jack good with his stick he finishes him qwick he says, “ Nor I wont keap you nyther ” and he flings him a way.

“Oy!” says a voyce and up jumps Mr Clevver he looks jus the same as Mr Clevver in the Eusa show hes got the same red face and littl poynty beard and the horns and all.

Punch looking at him sharp and scanful he says to Mr Clevver, “ Who myt you be? ”

Mr Clevver says, “I myt be the Pry Mincer of Binland and I myt be the Hard Bitchup of Cantser Belly only I aint. Who I acturely am is Drop John the Foller Man which they call me Mr On The Levvil as wel.”

Punch says, “ Dont let me keap you parbly youve got binses elser. ”

Mr On The Levvil says, “O no my binses is right here Ive come for a littl sumfing from Pooty.” He hasnt took noatis of the frying pan yet.

Punch says, “ Going to give you a littl sumfing is she? ”

Mr On The Levvil says, “For my swossage you see.”

Punch says, “ That big hard swossage you mean? ”

Mr On The Levvil says, “Thats the 1.”

Punch says, “ That girt big banger you mean? ”

Mr On The Levvil says, “Right you are Guvner thats the very.”

Punch says, “ Youre looking to get sumfing for it? ”

Mr On The Levvil hugs his self a littl he says, “Um um Im craving for a littl of that Pooty sumfing. Thats what I give her the swossage for din I.”

Punch says, “ You mean you give her that swossage befor she give you the sumfing? ”

Mr On The Levvil says, “Thats what I done.”

Punch says, “ Then youve stil got sumfing coming to you here it is its frying now. ” He shows Mr On The Levvil Pooty in the frying pan.

Mr On The Levvil says, “Now I call that a frying shame becaws a dead Pooty aint much good for sumfing.”

Punch says, “ Every man to his oan tase. Have a side of bacon. ” Mr On The Levvil says, “What Iwl have is my swossage back. No sumfing no swossage.”

Punch says, “ What if you dont get your swossage back? ”

Mr On The Levvil says, “Iwl have my sumfing out of you then it dont make no odds to me.”

Punch says, “ You aint too fussy how you have it longs you have it? ”

Mr On The Levvil says, “Im easy longs I have my sumfing.” Punch terns his back and poynting his arse at Mr On The Levvil he says, “Be you ready?”

Mr On The Levvil hes wynding his self up for it he says, “Ready for it and ramping for it and here I come.”

“ And here it comes, ” says Punch. Which that iron sossage comes zizzing out of him and in to Mr On The Levvil. BANG! Flattens him dead.

“ Hooray! ” says Punch. “ Punch has done for Mr On The Levvil now every I can do as they like. ”

“Hooo,” says some 1 coming up then. Its a goast its got a skul face and all in wite. That skul has horns and a littl poynty beard. “Hooo,” says the goast agen.

“ Whos that? ” says Punch. He dont look easy at all.

“Who do I look like?” says the goast.

“ I ratherwd not say, ” says Punch.

The goast says, “Do you get like a dropping fealing in your belly when you see me?”

“ Yes, ” says Punch.

“Thats why they call me Drop John,” says the goast.

“ O dear o dear o dear, ” says Punch. “ How do I make that fealing go a way? ”