Susan Pfeffer - Shade of the Moon

“You mean she isn’t dead?” Miranda asked. “It’s someone else? Is she sick? What, Jon? Tell me.”

“Mom was killed,” Jon said. “Day before yesterday. Alex called that night after work because he was worried about her; she wasn’t home. So I went to White Birch yesterday, to her school. The principal told me what happened. Guards went into Mom’s classroom. Someone decided the grubber kids should go to work in Sexton. A lot of grubs died over the weekend. Lisa’s been going crazy trying to get replacements.”

“I don’t care about Lisa!” Miranda shouted. “What happened to Mom?”

“She put up a fight,” Jon said. “They shot her.”

“I don’t believe it,” Miranda said. “Did you see her?”

“I saw her,” Jon said. “It’s true, Miranda. I’m sorry.”

“NO!” Miranda screamed. “NO!”

A nurse ran into the room. “What’s going on here?” she asked.

“I just told her her mother died,” Jon said. Our mother, he thought.

“She doesn’t need a mother,” the nurse said. “We’re taking good care of her. She’s going to have a fine, strong baby. Now, get out, whoever you are, and leave us alone.”

Jon had no desire to be there, but he knew how wrong the nurse was. Miranda needed Mom. They all needed Mom.

Miranda was crying hysterically, and the nurse was trying to quiet her. “I told you to leave,” the nurse said. “Get out before I call the guards.”

“Miranda, I’m sorry,” Jon said as he left the room. He didn’t know if she heard him.

He understood now why Lisa had insisted he take care of Gabe. All he wanted was Gabe’s love and Sarah’s comfort. That was all he wanted, and all he had left.

“In here,” Dr. Goldman said to Alex, who was walking behind him, carrying two large suitcases.

“What are those?” Jon asked.

“Props,” Dr. Goldman replied. “A way of getting Alex in here. Is your stepmother around?”

“She’s at work,” Jon said. “Where’s Sarah?”

“Home,” Dr. Goldman said. “Studying. Something she hasn’t done for a week now. Who else is here, Jon?”

“No one,” Jon said. “Carrie took Gabe to the market. They left a few minutes ago.”

“Good,” Dr. Goldman said. “Jon, why don’t you take Alex someplace people can’t see you. I’ll stay here, in case someone shows up.”

“Upstairs,” Jon said. He led Alex to his bedroom.

“This is nice,” Alex said, looking around the room Jon took for granted. “Someday Miranda and I will have a house like this.”

“It’s okay,” Jon said. “The Goldmans’ house is a lot nicer. Most of my friends’ houses are. Lisa has a good job, but she’s not important.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Alex said. “Where will Miranda be sleeping?”

“Downstairs, I guess,” Jon said. “There’s a little bedroom by the kitchen. Val used to sleep there. Alex, what is this? How did Dr. Goldman get you here?”

“He asked for me to be his driver,” Alex said. “So they sent me. We went to the hospital first, but they wouldn’t let me in. He saw Miranda and says she was all right. Subdued, he said. Very sad. But physically all right. May I sit down?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Jon said. “Sure. Take the chair.” He sat on the bed.

“I went to the school and saw Laura,” Alex said. “Lisa said you’d seen her, that there was no mistake, but I had to see it for myself. What did you tell Miranda? Not everything, I hope.”

“Just that Mom was shot,” Jon said. “Protecting her students.”

“Thank you,” Alex said. “I think that’s what we should tell Matt, also. I’m sorry you had to see her like that, Jon. I’m sorry you heard the whole story.”

Jon looked at Alex. He’d never really liked him. Alex had been Julie’s overprotective brother, and then for reasons no one understood, Miranda had fallen in love with him, and Alex became family.

Dad and Lisa loved Alex, Jon reminded himself. But they’d loved Julie more. If it weren’t for Miranda, Alex would have drifted away from them years ago.

“It’s not easy to talk, is it?” Alex said. “We have history, but it’s fragmented. We’re family, but we’re strangers. Acquaintances. If Julie had lived, it would have been different.”

“Or if you’d stayed in Texas,” Jon said.

“Yeah,” Alex said. “That, too.”

Jon wanted to confront him, force him to admit the truth about Miranda and Julie. But to his own surprise, he said, “Thursday, after I saw Mom, I met one of the guards who killed her.” He hadn’t told anyone that, hadn’t intended to tell anyone. It was his shame, his nightmare. But now he was sharing it with Alex.

“That must have been very hard,” Alex said.

“The thing was, I liked him,” Jon said. “He was a ballplayer. We talked baseball. How can that be, Alex? How can someone that evil be . . . I don’t know . . . normal? Likable? Is it me? Am I that bad?”

“You’re not bad,” Alex said. “There’s nothing bad about you.”

“You don’t know the things I’ve done,” Jon said.

“No,” Alex said. “I don’t. But we both know what Miranda did.”

Jon stared at him.

“Carlos told me what you talked about,” Alex said. “Carlos is pretty smart in his own way. He realized about ten seconds after you left that you hadn’t known about Miranda and Julie. Knowing Carlos, he didn’t make it pretty.”

“He said Miranda drugged Julie with sleeping pills,” Jon said. “Then she smothered her to death.”

“That’s what Miranda told me,” Alex replied. “She wouldn’t lie about it.”

“She’s been lying about it for years,” Jon said. “I didn’t know. I bet Mom didn’t know, or Dad, or Matt. You didn’t know at first, either, did you? Miranda told you right before we got to Sexton. That’s why you went to Texas.”

Alex nodded. “Miranda said she’d tell your folks if I wanted her to, but I said no. I told Carlos, and that was it until Carlos told you. I assume you haven’t told Miranda that you know?”

Jon shook his head. “I hated her,” he said. “For killing Julie and for not telling me. I’ve felt like Julie dying was all my fault, but it wasn’t. It was Miranda’s.”

“It was all our faults,” Alex said. “Certainly mine. Mine more than anyone else’s. I’d told Miranda about the pills, how to use them. My sister Bri had died alone, as alone as a person could be. Julie and I found her. I couldn’t protect either of them. But I swore Julie wouldn’t die that way, that she would never suffer the way Bri had.”

“Miranda didn’t have to do it,” Jon said.

“She was afraid I was dead,” Alex said. “She did what she knew I would have done. Then I came back and she was afraid of how I’d react if I knew the truth. If I hadn’t pressed her so hard to marry me, she would have kept it to herself. But she felt she couldn’t marry me if I didn’t know.”

“And you left her,” Jon said. “As soon as you heard.”

“I was going to go to Texas anyway,” Alex said. “I had to tell Carlos about Julie. I thought I’d go to Texas, tell Carlos, and kill myself.”

“But you didn’t,” Jon said. “You told Carlos and came back and married Miranda.”

Alex nodded. “I told Carlos what Miranda had done. He asked if I would have done it if I’d been there. I said I hoped I would’ve had the courage to. Carlos laughed. He said I never would’ve had the courage. It was amazing that Miranda wanted anything to do with me, and if I had half a brain, which he doubted, I’d go back and marry her and let her get me through life, since I obviously couldn’t do it on my own. All of which was true. That night I realized I couldn’t kill myself. I couldn’t do it to Miranda. I felt an enormous guilt about Julie, but so did Miranda, and she’d had the courage to be with Julie to the very end so that Julie wouldn’t die alone. If I killed myself, Miranda would feel she’d killed me by telling me the truth. And I loved Miranda. How could I do that to her when she had done so much for me?”