Susan Pfeffer - Shade of the Moon

“Double A’s good,” Jon said. “Would you have made it to the big leagues?”

The guard nodded. “I was drafted out of high school. I was only twenty when everything happened. Killed that dream, let me tell you.”

“Mine, too,” Jon said. And my father’s. And my mother’s.

The guard laughed. “We all started somewhere,” he said. “I made it to Williamsport one year. Little League World Series. We were knocked out second round, but it was great. One of the best times of my life. I felt like a star.”

“I would have liked that,” Jon said.

“I feel bad for you kids sometimes,” the guard said. “Well, you have it all right, being a claver. But the ones here? Once things turned bad, well, they turned bad right along with it. You should see what they did to each other Saturday.” He paused. “I killed a bunch of them Saturday night. I’d never killed anyone before then. I could have a few times, but I didn’t. I was a ballplayer, you know? I wasn’t aiming to kill people. But Saturday there was no choice. And after the first few, it didn’t feel so bad anymore. That woman? The one you were looking at? She had to be shut up. We had to make an example of her. And the guard in charge, he gets ideas. Everything has to be bigger. He’s my boss and I guess he knows what he’s doing. I didn’t second-guess my manager or the hitting coach. I did what they told me. Same thing, really.”

Jon had been beaned once. The ball had hit him flush on his helmet. The world had swirled around him as he’d fallen to his knees.

It was the same sensation now. He’d been walking, talking, with one of his mother’s killers. And he was as helpless now as he had been when the fastball had struck him. The guard was armed, and Jon wasn’t. Even letting the guard know it was Jon’s mother he’d killed could be fatal.

Mom wanted him to live. He could hear her telling him to swallow his rage.

“The clinic’s over there,” he said, pointing to the building. “I’ll be okay from here.”

“Pleasure meeting you,” the guard said, shaking Jon’s hand. “Us ballplayers got to stick together.”

Jon nodded. He walked to the clinic door. The two guards protecting the clinic let him in.

Sarah rushed into his arms. “Did you find her?” she asked. “Is she all right?”

“No,” Jon said. “I mean yes. I found her. She’s dead.” He felt his knees giving in.

Dr. Goldman grabbed him. “Sit down,” he said. “Sarah, get the potka. Now.”

Jon made it to a chair, and when Sarah brought him the drink, he swallowed it in one burning gulp. “She was killed yesterday,” he said. “I saw her body.”

Sarah looked at her father, who nodded. She poured another drink.

Jon sipped it this time. “I have to tell people,” he said. “Alex will want to know. Miranda. Matt.” He started to laugh. “I don’t even know how to tell Matt. He delivers mail but he doesn’t get any.”

“Get a blanket, Sarah,” Dr. Goldman said.

Sarah got one and wrapped it around Jon. The warmth felt good, but he couldn’t stop shaking.

“You’re in shock,” Dr. Goldman said. “You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t. Sarah, get another blanket. Jon, I’m going to give you a shot.”

“A shot,” Jon said. “That’s what Mom got.” His laughter grew even more out of control.

“Get up, Jon,” Dr. Goldman said. “Keep the blanket wrapped around you. You’re going on the examining table. I’m giving you a sedative.”

Jon did as Dr. Goldman told him. That’s what you were supposed to do. You didn’t second-guess. It was wrong to second-guess.

Dr. Goldman rolled up Jon’s sleeve. “This will put you out for a couple of hours,” he said. “Your problems won’t go away, but you’ll be able to handle them better.” He injected Jon’s arm.

“Whatever you say,” Jon mumbled. “I don’t second-guess.”

In a moment he was asleep. Now it was Mom crying, “No. Jon. No.”

“You’re going to have to tell Miranda,” Lisa said, serving Jon breakfast so they could talk privately. “This morning. The sooner you get it done, the better you’ll feel.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Jon asked. He thought it was a very bad idea, but more for himself than for Miranda.

“Eat something, Jon,” Lisa said. “I know you don’t feel like it, but you’ll need your strength. And no, I don’t think it’s a good idea, but it has to be done. Miranda’s going to want her mother. I know how much I wanted mine when Gabe was born.” She paused. “I can’t imagine a world without Laura,” she said. “I’ll never forget how kind she was. It can’t have been easy, being so good to your ex’s wife. She was an amazing woman. Jon, just a bite, all right?”

Jon took a bite. He missed Val’s eggs. Val was probably dead. He wondered if her family would ever find out.

“Miranda would never forgive us if we kept it from her,” Lisa said. “Go to the hospital and tell her.”

“Can I bring Sarah?” Jon asked. She’d told Jon she wouldn’t go to the clinic in case he needed her.

“No,” Lisa said. “Miranda’s met Sarah what, two times? Three? Her baby’s due any minute and she’s about to learn her mother died. She doesn’t need to have a stranger in the room. When you come back, I want you to look after Gabe while Carrie does the housecleaning. Sarah can keep you company then. Eat some more, Jon. You know how lucky you are to have a breakfast like this?”

“Very,” Jon muttered.

“Oh, Jon,” Lisa said. “I know I’m not your mother. I’ll never replace Laura. But you’re going to eat breakfast and you’re going to see Miranda and you’re going to take care of Gabe.”

“Tyler’s funeral is this afternoon,” Jon said.

“You’re not going,” Lisa said. “You don’t need it, and they don’t need you. I need you. Gabe needs you. Miranda needs you.”

“How did Alex take it?” Jon asked. Alex had called the night before, but Lisa had spoken to him.

“Not much better than you,” Lisa replied. “You know Alex. He feels everything is his fault, he should have been able to protect her.” She shook her head. “He couldn’t protect his sisters, either. I just hope he’ll find the strength to protect Miranda and the baby. Now one more bite and out you go. Give Miranda my love. Tell her I’ll do whatever I can and that we’re waiting with all our hearts for her and the baby to move here.”

Jon knew he wouldn’t say any such thing. But he finished his eggs, gave Lisa a kiss good-bye, and left for the bus that would take him to the hospital.

Miranda seemed very happy to see him. “I thought after our fight you wouldn’t come,” she said. “The baby’s due any day now.” She laughed. “I’ve got to be the only girl looking forward to labor. But I want to see Alex so much. And Mom. I want to see her holding the baby. Her first grandchild, Jon. Do you know how much that’s going to mean to her?”

“Mom’s dead,” Jon said. “She died.”

“What?” Miranda said. “What do you mean? How can she be dead? You just saw her. You told me you saw her, Jon. You said she was fine. What are you talking about?”

The image of Mom’s dead body washed over him. What she’d looked like, how the guard had spoken so easily about killing her. Miranda would never know. Matt wouldn’t, either. That memory was his alone.

“Jon!” Miranda cried. “Tell me!”

“I’m sorry,” Jon said. “It came out wrong.”