John O'Brien - Sanctuary

To the relief of everyone, Carrie emits a faint, stirring moan. She was worried they would have to transport Carrie in her weakened condition. Though there is still time before they are due back, she hadn’t wanted to risk moving her. Carrie’s eyes flutter open. Kelly sobs in relief and hugs her daughter tightly before turning to Gonzalez and giving her a big hug.

“Thank you. Oh, thank you,” she says.

“Our pleasure, ma’am,” Gonzalez says feeling a touch uncomfortable with the outpouring of emotion.

They keep Carrie on the grass for a while longer, feeding her small sips of water until Gonzalez feels comfortable enough with Carrie’s recovery. They load the girl into the rear making sure she’s comfortable and proceed back with the sound of Kelly comforting her daughter. Gonzalez rides back feeling good that they could help someone in this nightmare of danger and death in which so much has been lost.

The next morning arrives and I wake feeling just as tired as when I collapsed. The night passed with my waking many times; sometimes due to the pain and sometimes with the pounding at the doors from night runners. I am angered at their pounding interrupting my sleep and by their taking my precious gem from me. The ache is deep within my heart and I don’t want to get up. I feel like just staying on my cot with my misery for company. I know in my mind that the pain will pass but it certainly doesn’t feel like it ever will. I failed my sweet Nic and the agony of that hurts almost as much as does her loss. No parent should outlive their child. My worst nightmare has come to pass. I don’t want to rise but know that I need to lay my Nic to rest.

With an extreme effort, like lifting a truck from on top of me, I toss aside the blankets that someone put over me during the night. I sit on the side of the cot and look over to where Nic is lying to see that Drescoll or someone wrapped her in a sleeping bag. Robert and Bri are sitting on their cots with their heads hung. Mom is kneeling by Nic just staring at the bag in which she lies. I stand and walk over to Nic, lift her in my arms, and, without a word, carry her outside with Robert, Bri, and Mom following. As she is going about business in the parking lot, Lynn sees us and joins our silent march. The entire parking lot of soldiers is silent as we pass by. I gently set Nic in the back of one of the Humvees. Our doors closing sounds unnaturally loud in the stillness as we climb silently in and start down the road.

All of us have tears in our eyes, with Mom and Bri sobbing in the back, as we drive to the gate blocking the road to our special place. The walk is also conducted in silence with Robert, Bri, and myself carrying Nic’s body along the road and up through the woods. At a stump, we rid ourselves of our accoutrements and smudge ourselves before proceeding into the small valley and up the side of the hill where Nic and I spent so many hours together. The valley still holds the peaceful feeling but I am numb inside. I feel like someone else is walking through the shaded grove. I cannot believe I am about to lay my daughter, my Nic, a jewel in my life, to rest. It’s a different surreal than the world’s situation but surreal nonetheless.

We dig a deep hole on the side of the hill where we used to sit. I take my bear necklace off, and, unzipping the bag, I place it inside. Gently lowering Nic in her sleeping bag, I stand at the edge looking at her lying in the hole. I can’t bring myself to shovel dirt in. The thought of doing so makes me feel like I’d be giving up on her. I lean on the shovel with warm tears streaming down my face and feel Lynn’s arms around my shoulders. Bri hugs my waist and buries her face against me, sobbing. Mom comes over and throws her arms around the both of us with her eyes red from crying. Robert joins us and, in our shared sorrow and loss, we all hug tightly.

As if on a shared thought, we part and I scoop a small load of dirt in, lowering the shovel and gently laying the dirt on the bag, as if edging myself towards actually burying her. We all begin laying shovels in until the bag disappears from view. My vision is blurred as the last of the blue of the bag vanishes beneath the dirt and the hole is then quickly filled leaving a mound. We stand around it holding hands.

I kneel and place my hand on the freshly turned earth. “Spirits, you know Nic. She has visited you many times here. Please take care of her and guide her. Nic, you were a sweet jewel upon this earth and blessed it so much with your presence. Your laugh was like an angel singing. You were the world to me and I’ll truly miss you. I’ll miss your smile and the look in your eyes when you gazed at me. A smile that would chase all of the shadows away. I’ll miss the times we had playing, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. Goodbye my dear, sweet Nic. I love you so much! I’ll meet you here,” I say sobbing between words. My sweet Nic is truly gone, never to grace my presence by her beautiful laugh or sweet voice again.

I swear I hear her voice in my head, “I’ll be here waiting for you, Dad.”

A deep, agonizing sense of sadness and loss grips my insides. Robert, Bri, Mom, and Lynn take turns saying their goodbyes and we depart in silence. I know Robert is grieving within but it’s always been his way to not express his emotions much. Walking through the trees, with the sunlight filtering in through gaps, we gather our gear and walk slowly back to the vehicle. The drive back is conducted with a reverent quiet and we pull back into the place we have determined to be our sanctuary although I’m not sure I will ever see it that way.

I walk back into the building and plop back onto my cot feeling completely drained inside; an empty husk. I’m just a shell with no drive left. I know mentally I can’t sink into this, especially at a time like this with our survival still hanging by a thread, but I can’t seem to stop it. My thoughts are not in line with my ability or willpower. I sink down onto the cot in tune with the sinking I feel in my soul.

Lynn approaches and kneels next to me. “I know this isn’t the best time but what do we do now. What do we need to do?”

I know she is, one, concerned about the group and two, trying to shake me out of this funk I’m in; trying to redirect my thoughts into something productive. It doesn’t help.

“I don’t care, whatever you see fit,” I respond and roll over.

Days pass in a blur. I faintly recollect the hammering of night runners outside at night, people coming by, eating and drinking by rote, others within the building moving racks and such, storing gear, and Lynn talking to me at times but I don’t remember any of the conversations. I gradually come out of my funk but still can’t find the willpower to rise and become useful in any way.

Finally, I guess Lynn has had enough of my feeling sorry for myself and stands over me with her hands on her hips looking determined. “Look, Jack, I know you’re hurting and I feel horrible about what happened but you’ve got to shake out of this. We’ve got people here who are looking to you and counting on you.”

“I don’t know what to do,” I say looking up at her.

“Well, these people need you to lead. We need supplies and to start building that fucking wall to protect us,” she states.

“Then do it,” I state back.

“Jack, I’ve seen to getting supplies for the interim and such but I can’t do what you do. I can do the tactical shit but not the strategic stuff like you have rattling around that empty cavern you call a mind,” she says trying her hardest to shake me of my lethargy or at least draw a smile. “Do you seriously think Nic would want you like this?”

That causes a start within. “I’m going to the roof,” I say rising.