John O'Brien - Conspiracy

Gonzalez reaches down to undo the laces to her other boot, removes it, and drops it next to her other one. She’ll fight, as she and the others have always done — for the soldier next to her and for those they protect.

Wiping the last vestiges of tears away, she settles back on her cot. Tomorrow is another day and she’ll face it as she has all of her other ones. She’ll experience it.

Tempered steel… her last thought as she slips into an exhausted sleep.

Robert climbs the stairs slowly, watching Gonzalez scale the steps ahead of him. He’d like to catch up to her and talk about this evening, but he also doesn’t want to talk with anyone right now. It’s a contradiction within him — the need to talk with someone, yet not wanting to hear the recrimination he feels he deserves. With his hand on the railing, guiding him up another step, he shakes his head. He feels bad about what happened.

I almost killed us all , he thinks, nearing the top of the escalator.

If only he’d looked closer he would have clearly seen those propane tanks. He plays that picture over and over — that one just before giving the order to fire. In his head, he sees those tanks clearly and wonders why he didn’t then. His dad’s only words during the debrief were ‘lesson learned…for all of them’ and that was it.

It beats the shit out of Robert how his dad can brush off significant things like that as if they mean nothing, yet he’ll harp on the smallest of things. Robert remembers asking him about this once. He remembers his dad turning to him and saying, “Because it’s paying attention to the details that’ll keep your ass out of the fire. If you do that, the bigger things will fall into place. Let the larger picture guide you but focus on the details. You can’t create a building if you don’t meticulously lay each brick. On the other hand, you can’t just haphazardly lay bricks and expect a grand building to materialize.” Yeah, his dad loved his metaphors.

However, Robert feels like he let the whole team down. He was given a chance at leadership and he almost killed them. Robert fully expects his dad to relieve him. Oh, he’ll do it quietly and make it seem like it’s not a negative thing, but he’ll do it nonetheless. And Robert doesn’t blame him. They can’t afford mistakes like that. He feels sick to his stomach as he climbs the last step and watches Gonzalez as she makes her way to her quarters.

Standing at the top of the stairs, he rubs the back of head. It still feels tender where he bumped it and he feels the beginnings of a headache coming on. Those terrifying moments play through his mind…

The numerous night runners filling the screen. His watching intently as he gives the order to fire and watches for the explosion on the monitor signifying a hit, ready to follow up with the 40mm and 25mm Gatling gun to finish off any survivors. The monitor going completely white. His confusion. The shout of his dad yelling ‘hang on’ and the aircraft lurching violently to the side. The sudden movement knocking him off his feet from where he was standing behind Gonzalez’ shoulder and slamming him into one of the tables — thankfully he was wearing his helmet.

He remembers trying to scramble to his feet, but unable to do so because of the continued buffeting of the aircraft. Barely able to hear the instructions his dad was yelling and knowing they were as good as dead. They were going down and it was his fault somehow. He still didn’t know what had happened. The panicked fear that the 105mm round had exploded inside the aircraft and tore them apart. Then, suddenly, they were upright again. Climbing to his feet and finding out what had happened. The sick feeling returns in strength to his gut.

He looks over to see Michelle giving him a warm smile near the balcony. Giving a half-hearted smile in return, he walks slowly toward her.

“What’s wrong,” Michelle asks as he draws in front of her.

“Nothing. I’m just tired,” Robert responds.

“Well, let’s get you to bed then,” Michelle says, wrapping her arm in his and leading him toward their room. “How was the flight?”

“It went okay, I guess. We made it back,” Robert answers.

He wants to tell her what happened but, with the sick feeling he has and the oncoming headache, he just doesn’t want to right now. As they draw near the entrance, he hears his dad call from behind. They both turn to see his dad approaching.

“If I could steal him for just a moment longer,” his dad says to Michelle. “I promise I won’t keep him long.”

Oh boy, here it comes , Robert thinks.

“I’ll be right in,” he says to Michelle and walks with his dad to the balcony overlooking the first floor.

“Okay,” she replies and waits near the doorway.

With his elbows resting on the wooden railing, he looks over to his dad leaning over the balcony in a similar position. He looks tired. He’s seen his dad tired before but not like this.

“Look, Dad—” Robert begins.

“Nope. This is where I get to talk and you get to listen,” his dad interrupts. “I know what you’re going through and that you feel like it’s your fault. You feel like you let everyone down and that you shouldn’t be in a leadership position.”

“Yeah. Well—” Robert begins again.

“No, you’re talking again. Now listen. First of all, it’s not your fault, so you can toss that crap out of your head. No one blames you. Yes, you should have taken a look at the surrounding features, but I missed them as well. I was the pilot-in-command and therefore any fault with anything, and I mean anything that happened, is ultimately mine,” his dad says. “Look, leading isn’t about being perfect, but learning from every mistake — one made by you or others. It’s showing by example and, if you do make a mistake, you own it and rise above it. You don’t hang your head down, but lift it up and say, ‘Fuck, I guess I won’t do that again’. The one thing you can’t do is let it destroy your self- confidence. If you do, the mistake wins. If you rise above it and tuck the lesson into your bag of tricks, you win.

“Tonight was a good lesson, and one you need to take to heart. As a leader, you’re going to make mistakes. The world knows I’ve made more than my fair share. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. Awareness, on all levels, is vital. You can’t let the mistakes of the past cloud your mind or you’ll never be able to make a decision. At some point, you’ll need to make snap decisions. Sometimes, they won’t be the right ones, but you’ll make that decision based on instinct. That instinct is driven by the bag of tricks you carry. As you progress, that bag will grow as you stuff more experience into it. You’ve heard me say many times that making a decision, any decision, is better than not making one at all. A leader was once asked, ‘How do you make so many good decisions?’ The answer given, ‘Because I made so many bad ones in the past’. Collect the lesson and move on. Does any of this make sense?”

Robert continues to look at his dad.

“You can talk now.”

“Yeah, I guess it does, but I still feel like I let everyone down. I almost blew us up.”

“No one thinks that. You can march down there and ask them. They’ll look at you funny and tell you bullshit. And I’m not just saying that to blow sunshine up your skirt,” his dad says.

“How about we not use that expression again,” Robert says, the first smile coming to his face in a while.

“Deal,” his dad replies.

“So, are you going to relieve me?” Robert asks.

“You’re kidding, right? I need you. You do a tremendous job leading the team in back, and I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d want there. We’re going to need your expertise in the coming days and weeks.”