Timothy Long - The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole

Leon pulls the empty syringe from his chest and crawls backwards like a crab. His long greasy hair flails wildly. His eyes are turning orange and green from all the chemicals in his system, and his mouth forms a silent scream. For an instant before the three crash together, they look like they all share the same white trash genes. The three grunt and roll into the dense crowd of demons and decay.

War is leading a fresh assault. The last one didn’t go so well. Bunch of zombies charged in slow motion. It took forever before they even got assembled. Then when they were closing in on the army of demons and flying vulture-like creatures, the other guys decided to charge first.

Now the desert is covered in piles of bodies and limbs. A head rolls near Death, and he leans over and swings the scythe, scooping up the head and flinging it back into the melee.

“GOAAAAALLLLL!” Jesus howls. He stretches out a hand and blesses a bunch of demons. The resulting explosion and mess echo across the chasm walls for a long time.

War gestures, and a flight of helicopters swoops down and forward. Ripples of fire as rockets scream into the advancing army. Some of the demons are ripped apart, but more often than not they shrug off the fire and keep coming.

A group of tanks rumbles into view and starts picking off some of the bigger creatures. Shells and bullets scream across the sky as a bunch of guys in green make the scene. They form up firing lines and advance as they shoot everything that moves.

“Now we’re talking!” Death smiles and lowers his scythe. He staggers forward and rips another group of demons to pieces.

“Get ’em!” Jesus roars. He is running around blessing everyone who gets near, which is really bad for the demons. The looks on their faces are actually pretty funny as their bodies are torn out their assholes.

War rides into the mess with his big stick. Somehow he manages to bat aside demons that get too close to him. He is laughing and howling with glee as he strikes left and right.

“Just like the old days, eh Death?” he screams and hits a demon so hard its head is shoved into its body and it bounces into another demon. The two stumble and then say hello to a tank shell, which splatters them all over their allies.

Demons are falling everywhere, but still they pour from the earth.

Jesus stops beside Death and leans over to catch his breath. His face is covered in green and yellow pus, but his bruise shines through, just as livid as it was when Death pulled him out of the rubble.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” Death slashes another demon that gets too close.

“Yep. Lets blow this popsicle stand.”

Death nods.

“The car?”

“It’s in bad shape, but I think I can do something about that.”

Death whistles at a demon that is circling over them. He gestures, and the stupid thing swoops down to check him out.

“Dude. If you pick up a car, with us in it, and fly us off… in… oh,” he looks in a direction that is not currently exploding in a nuclear blast. “… that way, you can hang with us and not get blown to bits.”

“What’s the catch?” the thing asks in a voice that sounds like he is retching up a half-digested meal.

“No catch. I’m Death and this is Jesus, by the way.”

“Ohhh big guys. I guess I could do that if you keep me around and promise not to chop me into bits.”

Jesus nods. “You got it. What’s your name?”

“Sally. But I like to be called Princess Sally.”

Death burps up a mouthful of booze as he tries not to laugh out loud.

“Okay, uh, Princess Sally. We need to find the car first. I think it’s this way.” And the two stumble off with the demon flying over them.

The fourteen-foot shit demon is finally closing in on the deranged Horseman he has been following since Reno. The mind of the onetime shape-shifter and regenerator now works in slow shitty loops.

Six million shitty steps later, it feels the anticipation of wrapping its big fecal claw around Pestilence’s smug face. Chop it off and give him a shit body. Then he could be the Shit Horseman.

Revenge is all he seeks.

Revenge is all he knows.

He gets a glimpse of Pestilence rolling around on the ground with two guys that look a lot like him. He quickens his big shitty strides. A shadow falls over him. He looks up to see a giant red hoof coming down.

“Ah shit!” he grumbles before being squished to a big brown smear across the gory battlefield.

Edwina stumbles to her knees as the giant box shifts. She glances back at Chuzz, who has the toy microphone in hand and a dumb look on his face. He stares at her, and she frowns back at him.

The ray of white light carves a hole in the sand and mutilates the demons screaming out of the holes. They are sliced in half with splatters of pus and ooze flying in every damn direction. For the first time today, she smiles.

Her grin gets even wider when she gets a look at Satan’s giant cocks. She narrows her eyes at the closest one, and she decides to have a little fun. The ray of light is fizzling out a little but is still strong enough to do the job.

She runs along the edge of the giant box so she can get a good angle. For now, she keeps the ray pointed away from the giant demon, who takes a big step forward to close in on the box. He’ll be able to grab her pretty soon if she doesn’t boogie. She thinks again about just trying to slice the bastard’s head off, but this is Satan himself and she has her doubts that would do anything other than piss him off.

She reaches the end of the box just as another smaller one slaps itself into place. It says Daily Cunt and she almost laughs out loud at how ridiculous the whole situation is. Then she gets good and angry again and points the ray straight down.

She points the ray straight down, then rips it up into the air and catches Satan with his pants, literally, down. The ray fizzles out as she completes her cut.

Satan jerks his head up and screams at the sky as one of his cocks flops off and hits the ground far below. He reaches for it, but not fast enough, and the big red hunk of flesh smashes into a whole group of demons.

“PISS COCK FUCKING SUCKING MOTHER FUCKING ASS-LOVING SISTER OF DEATH FUCK!” he screams and stumbles. His hand shoots out and hits the box, knocking Edwina over the edge.

Air whistles past her as she plummets to the ground. She strikes much sooner than anticipated. The surface is not hard at all, but soft and moving. The ground shifts as the breath is driven from her body. A nasty smell assaults her nose right away, nearly overriding her pain threshold, which has just about peaked.

A cracked rib or three for sure. Head hurts, feels wet, like blood. She bit into her tongue, and part of it might have come off.

“OWWWWW!” She gurgles blood, but she is moving

“Get the fuck off me!” a voice yells.

She looks around and realizes she is flying. Giant red wings the size of boats rise on either side of her body. She rolls over, and a huge five-horned vulture head looks back at her. The face is disgusting, looks like a horse grew a beak and then was dipped in fuck you ugly.

“Arghhhh!” she screams.

“Arrghhh!” the creature screams back as it dives toward the ground.