Timothy Long - The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole

Leon understands, but he doesn’t really care. There are plans set in motion. Sitting in his room while the world dies around him isn’t among them. He needs to tell Bud that he has to go to the sheriff station. Leon closes his eyes and tries to concentrate. He focuses on the words, “Bud, I know it’s the Apocalypse. Me and Chuzzle are going to Vegas to kick some Devil butt. I want to ask the three battle angels downstairs to join me on my holy quest of ass-kicking. And I need a ride to the sheriff station for some of them kick-ass shotguns.”

In his head, he hears his voice say the words, slow and well enunciated. For good measure, he repeats it slowly a few times to himself, so deep in concentration he nods and his lips move. He ignores Bud, who stands with his arms folded looking at him as if Leon has lost his damn mind. Leon only sees the phrase. He sees it as big balloon letters sitting on a nerve still half-attached to his pulsating brain. He hears his voice echo the phrase over and over as he visualizes a bright green spark from his brain, which tears the balloon letters loose and sends them toward his mouth. He says them in his head once more as they hit his slightly spread lips, “Bud, I know it’s the Apocalypse. Me and Chuzzle are going to Vegas to kick some Devil ass. I want to ask the three battle angels downstairs to join me on my holy quest of ass-kicking. And I need a ride to the sheriff station for some of them kick-ass shotguns.”

Leon is so confident he will speak the correct words and dazzle Bud and his little faith that he opens his eyes. He looks Bud in the eye and tells him, “Slippery jism pleasure doom. Joseph dangle Noah idol foot fuck. Fisting blondes forgive anal trespasses. And Mother Mary sweet puckered pillar of salt.”

Bud puts his arm around Leon and tells him in the nicest, most calming voice he can muster, “Leon, buddy, if you go downstairs talking about Jesus cock and Mother Mary’s sweet puckered pillar of salt, they will most likely rip your guts out yer ass.”

Leon looks at the floor, frustrated and overwhelmed. “Butt plug, Bud,” he tells his friend. He holds two fingers up and uses them to zip an imaginary zipper across his lips.

“Okay, well, Jerome is arguing with one of them, but I bet we can sneak right past.”

Bud pushes Leon and his backpack out the door and down the first couple of stairs. Leon turns and whispers offensive words of protest. Bud’s eyes grow wide and he whispers sharply into Leon’s ear, “Leon, I’m serious, just shut the fuck up.”

Leon gives up for the moment, knowing there will be a notebook in Bud’s bomb shelter. He can write it all out. Before they reach the bottom stair, they hear Jerome’s fat, deep voice, “Listen, you winged mother fucker, you don’t just come into a man’s place of business accusing him of grievous acts of false advertising!”

A smile cracks across Bud’s face. It is such an uncommon phenomenon that Leon grins and stumbles the last few steps. A second voice booms out, “Listen to me, you disgusting example of a human, or I will fucking smite ye!” The thunderous voice frightens Leon so much that he trips and falls into a petite winged man who is looking at the All Gay Amateur display. The two land in a clutter of bright white feathers and greasy green overalls. The small angel flops against Leon, grinding his pelvis against Leon’s side. “Whoa, denial suck-job Jesus balls,” Leon mumbles loudly as he pushes himself up off the floor.

The small angel winks at Leon and suggestively flutters his thick wings against the filthy porn shop floor. Leon’s eyes are wide and terrified as he asks Bud, “Bang hole savior, Bud?” easily translated to “Battle angels, Bud?”

Jerome shouts, “You’ll smite no one but your fucking self in my joint! That’s just not classy, you motherless fuck!” before Bud can respond to Leon or the small flirty angel on the floor.

“What?” The much larger and more intimidating angel demands. This angel looks like a battle-ready son of a god; he stands over seven feet tall with muscles that look as if they are molded in solid steel. His wings are bloody and bandaged, and they stand a full foot taller than he when folded across his wide back. His jaw is thick and square, too angular to be considered handsome. His hair reflects the cheap fluorescent bulbs overhead as he tosses it softly while grinding his perfect white teeth at Jerome. As he tosses his hair, Leon, Bud, and the smallest angel all sigh, overcome with a feeling of God’s love.

“Godly,” the little angel says.

“What’s God like?” Bud asks, still lost in the rapture of the big angel’s hair.

“Fat,” the small angel replies flatly.

“Really?”

“Yup, really, really fat. In fact, that old saying ‘cleanliness is next to godliness’ has been raped and pillaged as many times as the Bible. It was originally ‘chubbiness is next to godliness.’”

Leon chuckles. Bud scowls at him. Jerome makes a raspberry sound with his lips at the big angel, and everyone turns back to face them.

Jerome follows up his raspberry with a scoff and he jerks off the air in front of him while he tells the angel towering over him, “NO… smiting … anyone… but… yourself… in my motha’ fuggin’… sex shop.”

He grins, very pleased with himself for putting such a giant in his place. The massive angel frowns and slaps Jerome hard across the face like a pimp swinging a cricket bat.

“That’s a fucking smite, you piece of shit,” the angel shouts.

Jerome falls behind the counter in a heap and yells, “BUD! Get the fucking shotgun and kill this crazy winged piece of shit!”

The big angel looks at Bud with a dare glowing in his eyes. Bud holds up his hands in surrender and shakes his head. “Fuck you, Jerome. I quit!”

The angel smiles and reaches over the counter. He helps Jerome to his feet with one hand.

Bud and Leon follow suit, helping the small angel back up. While everyone is thus distracted, Father Maniwhore uses his super demon speed to enter the shop and dash past them all to the row of video booths, down the small dark hallway, and into booth 15. The big angel sniffs the air and turns away, letting go of the still-unsteady Jerome, who bounces off the glass counter, cracking it, before falling back to the floor.

“What the…” Jerome grumbles, but the big angel interrupts him with a shush.

The angel sniffs again and turns back to Jerome, “Sorry. Thought I smelled a demon. Where was I?” He scratches his head with a big finger and remembers. “Oh, yeah, I watched this All Anal Angels All Stars, and there isn’t one fucking angel in the whole video!”

“And I told you that every girl in AX4S is an angel in my eyes. I don’t cater to freaks with wings who have anal fixations!”

Bud shakes his head. “He’s gonna get himself slapped again.”

“Some guys like it,” the small angel says, staring at Leon with heavenly fuck-me eyes, “My name is Billie. B-I-L-L-I-E as in Billie Jean. What’s yours?”

Leon opens his mouth to talk, but Bud interjects, “I’m Bud and this here is Leon.”

“Ohhh,” Billie smiles. “I’m the medic for the big boys. The fella arguing with your friend is Frank, and Jake is down that dark hallway over there.”

He extends his hand like a lady, and both Leon and Bud give it a gentle shake.

“Are you two lovers?” Billie asks

Leon speaks before thinking. “No, Jesus bang hole Mother Mary stink gang!”

Bud’s eyes grow wide. Leon shrugs, and Billie tells him, “Wow, maybe you shouldn’t blaspheme in the presence of angels. Ya know? Just maybe.”

Bud leans close to Leon and whispers, “I told you to keep your mouth shut!” Then he turns to Billie and speaks only slightly louder. “I’m sorry about that. I think some signals are getting messed up in his head. He hasn’t been able to talk right for a while now. Kinda’ tragic really.”