Julie Kagawa - The Iron Knight

Except the Guardian, which hadn’t moved from where it stood watching me struggle. Watching me die. “Death,” it droned, cold and impassive in the flickering lights, “comes for all mortals. In the end, it will come for you as well.”

I made one last effort to get up, to keep living, though a part of me wondered why I would even resist. But it didn’t matter. I was so tired. My head touched the cold floor, darkness covered me like a soft, cool blanket and I felt the last breath escape my lips as my heart—finally and irreversibly—stopped fighting.

Cold.

Everything was cold.

I was flying down a dark tunnel, watching fragments of my life flash before me, unable to stop. Riding with Meghan through the wyldwood. Watching Kierran and Glitch practice in the courtyard. The birth of my son. Dancing with Meghan in the ballroom. Our wedding …

Gasping, I bolted upright on a cold, hard floor, my heart slamming against my ribs, panicked, loud and alive. Clutching my chest, I gazed around, not knowing where I was. Stone walls surrounded me, candles flickering in the alcoves, casting everything in shadow. The tall hooded figure stood nearby, silently watching, and with a jolt, everything came flooding back.

The Testing Grounds. The trials. I had come here in the desperate need to earn a soul, to be with Meghan in the Iron Realm. I hunched forward, holding my head in my hands. I couldn’t think straight. My mind felt like a tangle of old string, trying to sort out what was real and what was imagined.

I could feel the cold stare of the Guardian, weighing me, watching what I would do.

“Was it real?” My voice came out hoarse and raspy, unfamiliar to me. “Was any of it real?”

The Guardian watched me, unmoving. “It could be.”

“Ash!”

Footsteps pounded toward me and Puck came into view. For a moment, I felt a stab of hatred as I gazed at my old nemesis, the memory of him and Meghan dancing and laughing together raging in my mind … but then I paused. That hadn’t happened. None of it had happened. My entire human life—my marriage, my wife and son—that was all an illusion.

“Dammit, ice-boy—” Puck panted as he jogged up. “We were looking everywhere for you. What happened? Did we miss the test? Is it done already?”

I gazed at him in disbelief. Seconds. Only a few seconds had passed, but to me, it had been a lifetime. Gingerly, I stood, drawing in a slow breath. My leg was straight and healthy, my eyesight clear and undimmed. When I looked at my hands, pale, smooth skin greeted my sight, when I’d become used to seeing wrinkles and age spots. I clenched my fist and felt the strength in my limbs, “It is done,” the Guardian intoned. “The trials are complete. You have passed the gauntlet, knight of the Iron Court. You have seen what it takes to become human—weakness of the flesh, conscience and mortality. Without these things, a soul would wither and die inside you. You have come far, farther than anyone before you. But there is still one final question. One last thing you must ask yourself, before you are ready for a soul.

“Do you truly want one?”

“What?” Puck, coming to stand beside me, glared at the Guardian. “What kind of question is that? What do you think he’s been doing all this time, picking daisies? You couldn’t spring that question before you put him through hell?”

I groped for his shoulder, putting a hand on it to stop him. Puck bristled, angry and indignant, but I knew what the Guardian was asking. Before, I didn’t know what being human meant. I couldn’t understand. Not as I was.

I did now.

The Guardian didn’t move. “The Ensoulment Ceremony begins at dawn. Once started, it cannot be stopped. I offer you this one final choice, knight. Should you wish it, I can unmake everything that happened to you—all memories of this place, everything you have learned, as if the trials never happened. You can return to Winter with your friends, no different than you were before, an immortal, soulless fey.

“Or, you can claim your soul and keep everything that comes with it—conscience, human weakness, mortality.” The Guardian finally moved, switching its staff to the other hand, preparing to disappear. “Whatever your decision,” it continued, “when you leave this place, you will never return. So choose wisely. I will return when you have decided which path you want to take.”

Choice.

I drew in a slow breath, feeling the promise that bound me, that oath I had made to Meghan, dissolve. I’d kept my vow: I had found a way to return to her, to be at her side without fear. I was free.

And I had a choice.

I DIDN’T GO BACK to my room, though I vaguely remembered where it was. Instead, I sought out the courtyard, found a stone bench beneath a withered tree, and watched the stars float through the End of the World.

Mortal or faery? Right now I was nothing, balanced on the edge of humanity and soullessness, neither human nor fey. I was so close to having a soul, to finishing my quest and being with Meghan. But if the future the Guardian had shown me was true … if I was destined to die, forgotten and alone, then was it worth that pain?

I didn’t have to go back to the Iron Realm. My vow had been fulfilled; I was free to do as I wished. There was no guarantee Meghan would be waiting for me to come back, no assurance she wanted me to come back. I could return to the Winter Court, with Ariella. It could be as it was before ….

If that was what I really wanted.

“Hey.” Ariella’s soft voice broke through my musings, and she joined me on the bench, so close our shoulders were touching. “Puck told me about the last test, and the ceremony in the morning. I take it you haven’t come to a decision yet.” I shook my head, and her soft fingers brushed a curl from my forehead. “Why are you still agonizing, Ash?” she asked gently. “You’ve come so far. You know what you have to do. This is what you wanted.”

“I know.” I slumped forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “But, Ari, that last test …” Closing my eyes, I let the memories of another life wash over me. “I saw my future, with Meghan,” I said, opening my eyes to stare at my hands. “I became human and went back to the Iron Realm to be with her, just like I wanted. And, at first we were happy … I was happy. But then …” I trailed off, watching a blue comet soar lazily through the sky above. “She never changed,” I murmured at last. “She and my son, they never changed. And I … I couldn’t keep up with them. I couldn’t protect her, couldn’t fight beside her. And in the end, I was alone.”

Ariella was silent, watching me. I raked my hands through my hair with a sigh. “I want to be with them,” I admitted softly. “More than anything, I want to see them again. But, if that’s my future, if I can’t avoid what lies ahead …”

“You’re wrong,” Ariella said, surprising me. I sat up, blinking at her, and she smiled. “That’s a future, Ash. Only one. Trust a seer on this. Nothing is certain. The future is constantly changing, and no one can predict what will happen next. But let me ask you this. In this future, you said you had a son?”

I nodded, feeling a hollow ache in my chest at the thought of Kierran.

“Do you miss him?”

I let out a breath and nodded, slumping forward again. “It’s strange,” I murmured, feeling a lump rise to my throat. “He isn’t even real, and yet … I feel like he’s the one who died. His existence was an illusion, but I knew him. I remember everything about him. And Meghan.” The lump grew bigger, and I felt my eyes stinging, moisture crawling down my cheeks. I could see Kierran’s smile, feel Meghan’s breath against me as we slept. And though my head knew those memories were illusions, my heart violently rejected that thought. I knew them. Every part of them. I remembered their joys, their sorrows, their triumphs and hurts and fears. They were real to me.