Rachel Vincent - With All My Soul

He exhaled slowly, and the swirling in his own irises slowed. “And I know that I have no right to ask you not to do whatever you’re thinking about doing right now, but looking into your eyes at this particular moment is scaring me worse than I’ve ever been scared, Kaylee. Worse than when I died. Worse than when Nash died. Worse than when you died, because whatever you’re thinking...it’s bigger than that, isn’t it? This is bigger than one death, because it’s bigger than one life. Isn’t it?”

“Tod, I can’t....” My eyes filled again, and his face blurred beneath my tears.

“Yes, you can.” He looked into my eyes, and I blinked. When my tears fell, he got a better look at my irises, and I saw fresh apprehension twist in his. “What are you thinking, Kaylee?” He frowned, looking deeper. “Whatever it is, please tell me you haven’t already done it.”

“I haven’t. But most of the plans are already in place.”

“What plans? What did you do? Please tell me you didn’t make another deal with a hellion.”

“I need a drink. My mouth is so dry.” I’d never been so nervous or felt so guilty in my life.

Tod handed me my cup, and I took a long sip from mine while he drank from his. When I heard the dry, icy rattle from the bottom of his cup, I knew it was time.

“Thanks.”

He set both cups on the fridge one last time. “Better?”

“Yeah.” I cleared my throat and crossed my legs beneath me on the mattress, trying to decide how to start the most difficult conversation I’d ever been a part of.

“What’s going on, Kaylee?” His voice was low and tense. He watched me in fear, and that was only going to get worse.

“I’m going to tell you some of it. As much as I can. But an hour from now, you’re not going to remember what I said. Not consciously, anyway.”

“I’m not going to...?” His frown deepened. “Why wouldn’t I remember?”

I glanced pointedly at the cups standing on his minifridge, and he followed my gaze. “What the hell did you do? ” When he turned back to me, irises twisting with a soul-bruising combination of fear, anger, and betrayal, I held the vial out to him, my hand shaking almost uncontrollably.

He took the vial and read his mother’s handwriting. Comprehension surfaced in his expression, then bled into anger a split second before he turned and hurled the vial at the wall. It shattered, leaving a wet smear on the paint and shards of glass on the floor.

I flinched but stood my ground. I’d known he’d be mad, but that didn’t alter necessity.

“You drugged me?”

“I’m so sorry, Tod.” I tried to take his hand, but he pulled away from me, and my heart broke into a thousand splinters of pain and despair. “I had to.”

“You had to drug me?” He stood and paced the narrow floor space for a second, then turned to me again. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“This is the only way I could tell you what’s going to happen, and you deserve to know that, even if you’re not going to remember it.”

“That doesn’t make any sense! What’s the point of telling me if I’m not going to remember?”

“Your mom taught me a little bit about—” I gestured vaguely toward the wet spot on the wall “—when we used it on Traci. You won’t remember specifically what I’m about to tell you, but subconsciously you should retain enough to understand that this was my choice. That this is really how I wanted it to happen.”

“Kaylee...?” His voice was so thick with fear that it seemed to hang in the air between us. “What did you do? ”

I wasn’t ready to answer that yet, so I continued with my own train of thought. “Also, I wanted to say goodbye. I couldn’t just...go.”

“No.” He sank onto the bed next to me, shaking his head so hard that blond curls bounced on his forehead. “ No. Whatever you did, we can undo it. You’re not going anywhere. I won’t let you. None of us will.”

I took his hand, and that time he let me keep it. He covered them both with his free hand as if he were about to break some tough news to me.

I took a long, deep breath. “In a couple of hours, Levi’s going to come see you guys at my house.”

“Levi?” Tod’s hands tightened around mine. “What does he have to do with this?”

“He’s going to tell you that I’m gone—”

“No. No, Kaylee...” The pain in his eyes echoed deep inside me, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat to continue.

“He’s going to tell you that I came to his office tonight—between picking up that vial and going out for cherry limeades—and that I asked him to take my soul and turn it in.”

“Kaylee, no. I won’t let him. He’ll have to go through me to get to you.”

My chest ached like someone was prying my ribs open, one at a time, to get at what was left of my poor, shredded heart. “You won’t remember this, Tod.” I held his gaze. I wouldn’t let him look away and deny what I was saying, because this was too important. This part meant everything. “You won’t remember that he’s coming for me, but later, when he tells you that I’m gone, you’ll believe him when he says this was my idea, because subconsciously you’ll remember me telling you this. You’ll know this is truly what I wanted, and you’ll help the others understand.”

“No, I won’t.” Tears stood in his eyes, but he blinked them away, clutching my hand. “I can’t help them understand what I don’t understand. Why are you doing this, Kaylee?”

“This is the only way.” I wiped moisture from my own eyes and sniffed back more tears. “We’ve tried everything else, and nothing worked. Maybe we could have actually turned the hellions against one another if we’d had time, but we don’t have time. Avari’s going to kill my dad in a matter of hours, and he’s not going to stop coming after everyone I love until he has me. Or until there’s no possibility of him ever getting me.” I squeezed his hand and refused to let myself tear up again. “This has to stop. I have to make this stop before someone else gets hurt.”

“There has to be another way. You promised me, Kay.” His anguished, accusing gaze ripped through me with every bit as much force and pain as Beck’s dagger had. “You said forever.”

“I know.” I closed my eyes, fighting for composure, then made myself meet his gaze again. “It feels like I’ve done nothing but break promises to you lately, and I’m so sorry about that, but this one can’t be avoided. I’m counting on you, Tod.” Another sniffle, and I blinked back more moisture from my eyes. “My dad and Nash and Em...they’re not going to understand this. I need you to help them. I need you to make them understand that this was my choice, and that I did it to protect them. Don’t let them blame themselves. Make sure they understand that I’m gone and I’m at peace. That the best thing they can possibly do for me is remember me every now and then while they move on with their lives.”

“Every now and then...” Tod shook his head. “I can’t go five minutes without thinking about you, Kaylee. What makes you think that death—even true death—will change that?”

His words sent a selfish bolt of joy through me and I buried it before he saw, but I couldn’t help being relieved by the thought that he would remember me for at least part of forever.

“Besides, your dad’s not even here. What makes you think Avari will just pat him on the head and send him home when he finds out you’re out of reach? He’ll still torture your dad. He doesn’t need a reason. He’ll do it because he’s evil.”

“I’m not going to leave him there. I won’t leave any of them. That part of my plan is still in progress, but I swear I won’t go until my dad, your mom, and Uncle Brendon are back home.” That was the hard part. The part I was still figuring out.