Amanda Sun: Shadow

Being a loner had worked for a while, but that’s when the balance tipped. Because when one of the kendo champs of the school turns down every cute girl’s confession, shuns almost every guy who wants to hang out, forgets his wristband and shows off the trail of scars on his arm—that’s when he becomes mysterious, a puzzle to be solved. That’s when people talk, when the rumors swirl and the truth hovers just below the surface, ready to destroy everything.

That’s when Myu had confessed, and I’d known what I had to do. Now we’d been together for three months, and they’d stopped digging into my past, into my present. They’d forgotten to ask where I disappeared to or where the scars came from. We’d become mini-celebrities, as much as an American quarterback dating a cheerleader, shallow crowd-pleasers who weren’t asked any tough questions. We were normal, and on top of that, I blended in. And as I’d come to know Myu better, I’d found maybe I didn’t have to be alone anymore.

Maybe. And then the voice from my dreams, the woman holding the mirror.

There is only death.

“ Oi , Yuuto!” came a sharp voice, and I snapped my head up. Damn it . Nothing like spacing out to get the rumors going.

“ Yo , Sato,” I said, waving my free arm at him. Satoshi grinned back as he walked toward us. His hair was bleached as white as a rice ball, and he’d hoisted his shinai , the wooden sword we used for kendo, across the back of his shoulders, both wrists wrapped around it like he was carrying a yoke. The white tie wrapped along the handle was unraveling, meaning he wasn’t taking care of his equipment. Coach Watanabe would be pissed if he noticed during practice.

Myu’s lips turned in a frown. She and Satoshi didn’t get along. Myu didn’t think much of the circles he associated with, but Sato and I went too far back for me to turn on him for any girl. We were kendo teammates and best friends since elementary school—since the transfer, when the world had gone dark around me. He had his own share of secrets, but it didn’t stop him from trying to drag mine out from time to time.

“ Ne , Ishikawa,” Myu said, calling him by his last name to stress the distance between them. I stumbled as she tugged me toward her and pointed a finger at Satoshi. “You had all last night’s kendo practice with him. It’s my turn now, so get lost.”

Ishikawa’s face crumpled in confusion. “Kendo practice?”

Shit . The ice below me was cracking. I headed toward the school door. I had to lose the crowd before I plunged down and drowned in the truth. Myu was dragged along with me, her arms slowly unlinking from around my arm. Satoshi followed, despite the glare of death I was giving him.

“Wait,” Myu said as I pulled open the genkan door. Walls of stacked boxes formed aisles of shoes and school slippers around us. “There was no practice last night?” The door swung shut behind the three of us. I said nothing, slipping out of my shoes and striding toward my box.

“The week before school ends?” Sato smirked. “Not likely.”

“Yuu-chan, were you...lying?”

“I didn’t lie, exactly,” I said, my eyes downcast to the floor. I had to fix this, but instead I’d gone into panic mode, alarms blaring in my head. My heart felt like it would give out. So much for being suave and in control. Dumbass.

“Where were you then?” Myu said.

“With some other girl.” Sato grinned.

I gave him a look of imminent murder. “ Urusai ,” I spat. “You’re a dick, Sato.” I pressed my fingers into Myu’s shoulders, looking into her wide eyes. “He’s lying.”

She didn’t look like she believed me.

“I’m totally lying, Myu,” Ishikawa laughed, and then she let out a shaky breath. What the hell? She believes him , but not me?

“So?” she said, waiting for the truth.

“So he was probably sketching,” Satoshi said, ramming his toes against the wooden floor to push the slippers onto his feet. “Loverboy wants to be a freaking Picasso.”

“Shut up, Sato,” I said. I hoped he wouldn’t hear the waver in my voice.

“Wait, what? You never told me that,” Myu said.

“Just some dumb art class,” I said. “It’s for my cram school. It’s nothing.”

“Don’t go cutting off your ears,” Sato added helpfully.

“That was van Gogh, moron.”

“It’s nothing, huh? Why are you flustered then?” Myu smiled. “Come on, let me see your sketches.”

“I don’t really have any,” I said. “I leave them at cram school.” Every part of my skin felt itchy, and I wanted to get out of there.

“ Ne , will you draw me sometime?”

“Maybe naked,” Sato quipped.

I whirled around. “What part of shut up didn’t you understand?”

“Yuu-chan, please?”

“I’m no good,” I snapped at her. “And I don’t draw people, ever.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t, okay? God, you guys. Leave it alone.”

I slid open the door to the hallway and slammed it closed behind me. Calm down , I told myself, but I couldn’t. I was sinking in the sand, the gateway to escape out of reach. Everything was unraveling in front of me, the shadows closing in. Swirling around me like I was some demon at the end of a dark alley. Which I guess I was.

There is only death .

No. I’ll fight it. I’ll fight it until the end.

Katie

Nan was flying back to Canada without me. Gramps was too sick, and despite my protests that I would help them, there was still a mess of paperwork hanging over us.

A few years ago, before Gramps’ brief remission, he’d been so far gone that we were waiting for the call any day. At that time, when all our waking thoughts were of death, Mom made an appointment and changed her will. Legal custody of me would go to her sister, Diane, and not Nan and Gramps. Even without the legal issues, it was Mom’s last wish, and Nan was holding to it religiously.

“But Aunt Diane lives in Japan,” I said.

“I know, sweetie.”

“ Japan. ”

“ I know . And it’s a nice country. I visited her there and the people were just lovely.”

“Nan, I don’t even speak Japanese!”

She’d squeezed my hands in hers again, but this time her grasp was weak. “We’ll get it sorted out,” she said.

Like I was just some sort of tangled knitting project of hers, like she could just unravel me and start over. Twisting my life into new shapes, something that everyone would nod and agree suited me better. But the stitches from my old life would show, the snarls and bends of the old pattern wrecking the new.

Mom was gone. Could we just stop trying to fix it for a minute? It couldn’t be fixed. Shipping me overseas wouldn’t make my life better. It would just make me vanish, tucked away where no one could look at me and feel awkward. Was Nan even on my side? Her eyes were tired and sad. I knew she loved me, but I also knew she wasn’t really seeing me. She was seeing Mom, and having her close but out of reach was hurting her.

God, I felt so alone. I was alone. This sore, horrible aching in my chest like I would just fall into pieces. All I wanted was to disappear.

There was a knock on my bedroom door. Almost all the guests had left from the memorial, ready to get back to their real lives.

This was the only life I had left. And it was falling apart.

A second, louder knock came, and before I could answer it, my door swung open to Aunt Diane, standing there with a worried look on her face.

“Hey,” she said.