Аврам Дэвидсон - Peregrine - primus

tries and churches in the days of my richness, and also I’ve always made it a point to get all the pussy I could in hopes it would soak in. We’ll see. We’ll see.”

It was at that point, frustrated in their attempts to follow the sailing-barge along her rapid route, and for the first time violating the letter of their orders, the fierce, feared, and wild hordesmen of Hun Horde Number Seventeen breached the walls of Chiringirium (via, it is true, the Dung Gate, which had been opened for the usual disposal of night-soil), and—with wild cries and hoots and shrill whistles, attacked.

That is, they went galloping down the street and, by singular coincidence, collided with the troops of Cnaeius Petronius Niger, alias Black Pete, who was rushing out of his palace to put down the commotion he did not fully understand in details but perfectly well in principle. The battle was brief.

Bloody, too.

“God-smoke,” said Attila IV, wiping his knife on his left buttock, and sniffing the air with a practiced nose. “Jossee-men. Muchee gold clothes” His vexation at seeing the gold-clad priests accompanied by a caesar-figure who was himself accompanied by his ally Peregrine was swiftly tempered by the handfuls of tribute which both of them began ladling out to him. The Huns cast red eyes at the Christian matrons and maidens, but did not stop. Business, after all, was business.

“Don’t forget to add, And Conqueror of the Huns, after Defender of the Faith and Autarch and Autocrat,” said Darlangius Caesar. Then, something striking him at the same time it did Peregrine, he said, loud and clear, “Immediate release of all prisoners!” The congregation cheered. “Except, of course,” the new ruler amended, “those up for adulterating wine!”

The congregation cheered again. And the choir sang Amen . .

t t t t

Darlangius was so pleased with the public pleasure at his accession to the purple that he announced that a General Anathema would be held at the Cathedral, with overflow services in the Hippodrome; and free refreshments at each. Now, there was nothing which more pleased the populace at that time more than

a good General Anathema, allowing one to catch up with the latest theological info, as well as indulging in good old team spirit; and consequently the crowds were simply enormous. The archpriest of St. Stephanos, who had been elevated to archbishop, officiated. He was somewhat flustered, partly because he had never played the chief part in such a ceremony before, and partly because he had been firmly forbidden to employ the incenseburner in any capacity at all during the ceremony, by none other than Darlangius himself -“Reluctant though I should be to invoke the dubious doctrine of caesaropapism”

“Oh come on, don’t be a beast, do!”

“Not a chance. No way.”

“But my dear fellow I feel simply lost without my thurible—’

“If you get lost, I’ll prompt you. Get on with it, now, the natives are getting restless.”

The archbishop, with a desperate air of all-or-nothing (which, from the third row on back passed for an air of pronounced orthodoxy), arose and began the ceremony. Peregrine found it intensely interesting, if rather confusing. Where the archbishop knew his lines he ran through them at top speed in a sing-song tone, where he did not know them there was a good deal of muttering between him and the ever-helpful Caesar, and in between Peregrine could often clearly hear comments—not always sotto voce —from the congregation. The result was something as follows:

“Anathema maranatha be all heresies and heretics and may they be delivered unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh in order that the spirit may be saved and as Hymenaeus and Alexander were delivered unto Satan in order that they be taught not to blaspheme O factious of spirit be ye accursed and cast into eternal ruin and condemnation and afflicted with emmerods by the rod of the wrath of the Rord I mean Lord brfsk caff caff Cursed be they in coming in and cursed be they in going out cursed be they in rising up and cursed be they in lying down and in commerce and in consanguinity and prognostication and procrastination and in mint and anise and cumin and rue, allspice, almonds, assofoetida, butter or ghee, cardamoms, chillies, cinnamon, cloves, coconuts and their milk and oil, cream and whey, yak curds, yak turds, fenugreek, garlic, onions, ginger,

lime, lime juice, vinegar, mace, mangoes, nutmegs, pepper, saffron, salt, tamarinds and turmeric—

. .oh my i say no no no that seems to be, it is, a recipe for curry which i had of cosmo indicopleustes the doctrinally correct geographer, must have slipped in by mistake, you know how these things will happen, i wish i had my thurible”

. . it sounds rather good”

. . it is good, it is very good indeed, particularly with mutton, you know how mutton tends to be greasy”

. . tends to be damned greasy, damn it, is the trouble with mutton”

. . just so, well this cuts the grease, you know”

. . i did no know”

. . you most come and dine with us at the archpalace some day and we shall have it for tiffin”

. . i say thanks very much i’d love to”

. . delighted i’m sure”

The congregation, slightly mystified by this mumbling, received as it were enlightenment from an elderly girdflenser who announced, “Ah, they’m a-readin of the spicy bits up there, uh hur hur hur!”

The archbishop, hearing this, and being recalled to his duties, shuffled his vellums, and muttered:

. i can’t find the place and i can’t remember what is next, drat”

. . vamp it, then, is what i always used to do in the senate when i was a bit buzzy: ‘penitentiary and plenipotentiary’ is one i always found useful”

“And cursed be they in penitentiary and plenipotentiary,” gabbled the archbishop, still shuffling.

In the congregation: “That be some’at new” “Ur, and sound powerful strong” “What do it be for?” “Diddlin’ thy niece” said the elderly girdflenser, who had a vigorous and singularly filthy imagination.

“. . . and in weirdmane and womrath”

“. . . adumbration, compurgation, obligation fenestration masturbation pro bono publico inter alia and in foro externo, fistula in ano, and e pluribus unam”

“Restitutia in integrum,” chanted the archbishop.

Congregation: “Archbishop, he don’t half give ’em Hell,

do’e” “Serve they right, say I”

“• • • i’m getting the hang of it, now, i think”

. . doing just splendidly”

“Oh good here’s the place, And may they mash their fingers with hammers—”

“• • • something lost in translation there, i think”

. . hush no one will know the difference—for inasmuch as they causeth enmities strifes jealousies wraths factions divisions envyings of the party of the first part and the party of the second part and other such damnable works of the flesh being proofs of a carnal mind and privily bim-bam,” here the archbishop lost his place again, “dogs of the concision and grievous wolves not sparing the flock,” finding it again, “seducing spirits and doctrines of devils first-class devils second-class devils and thirdclass devils (temporary) profane babblings and oppositions of the knowledge which is falsely so called,” here he took a deep breath, “servants of Satan beasts in human form dealers in deadly poison robbers and pirates guilty of pride error disappointed ambition sensual lust avarice and pertinax defensio dogmatis ecclesiae universalis judicio condemnati in alphabetical order as follows:

“Albigensians!”

BOOM! went the big bass drum, just invented for the purpose, and thus making its first appearance on the stage of history-^

“Arians, Arminians, and Apollinarians!”