John Scalzi - Earth Below, Sky Above

“There are four of them,” Schmidt said. “And they don’t look like nice people.”

“They’re harmless enough,” Wilson said. He swallowed a large portion of his IPA and set the glass down, then appeared to listen to something for a minute. “Oh, okay. They’ve just decided to do it. Here they come.”

“Great,” Schmidt said, watching as the four men stood up from their table.

“Relax, Hart,” Wilson said. “It’s not you they want to punch out.”

“I can still be collateral damage,” Schmidt said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you,” Wilson said.

“My hero,” Schmidt said, sarcastically.

“Hey,” one of the soldiers said, to Wilson. “Are you one of those Colonial Defense Forces soldiers?”

“No, I just like the color green,” Wilson said. He finished the rest of his beer and looked regretfully at the empty glass.

“It’s a fair question,” the soldier said.

“You’re Kruger, right?” Wilson said, setting down the glass.

“What?” said the soldier, momentarily confused.

“Sure you are,” Wilson said. “I recognize the voice.” He pointed to another one. “That would make you Goosen, I’d guess. You’re probably Mothudi”-he pointed at another, and then at the final one-“and that would make you Pandit. Did I get everyone right?”

“How did you know that?” Kruger asked.

“I was listening in to your conversation,” Wilson said, standing up. “You know, the one where you were trying to figure out how to make it look like I started swinging at you first, so you could all try to kick the shit out of me.”

“We never said that,” said Pandit.

“Sure you did,” Wilson said. He turned and gave Schmidt his glass. “Would you get me another?” he asked.

“Okay,” Schmidt said, taking the glass but not taking his eyes off the four soldiers.

Wilson turned back to the soldiers. “You guys want anything? I’m buying.”

“I said, we didn’t say that,” Pandit said.

“You did, actually,” Wilson said.

“Are you calling me a liar?” Pandit asked, agitated.

“It’s pretty clear I am, now, isn’t it?” Wilson said. “So: Drinks?…Anyone?…No?” He turned back to Schmidt. “Just me, then. But, you know, get something for yourself.”

“I’ll take my time,” Schmidt said.

“Eh,” Wilson said. “This won’t take long.”

Pandit grabbed Wilson’s shoulder, and Wilson let himself be spun around. “I don’t appreciate being called a liar in front of my friends,” Pandit said. He took his hand off Wilson’s shoulder.

“Then don’t lie in front of your friends,” Wilson said. “It’s pretty simple, actually.”

“I think you owe Pandit here an apology,” Kruger said.

“For what?” Wilson said. “For accurately representing what he said? I don’t think so.”

“Mate, you’re going to find it in your best interest to apologize,” Goosen said.

“It’s not going to happen,” Wilson said.

“Then I think we’re going to have a problem here,” Goosen said.

“You mean, now you’re going to try to beat the crap out of me?” Wilson said. “Shocked, I am. If you had just admitted this up front, we could be done by now.”

“We’re not going to try anything,” said Mothudi.

“Of course not,” Wilson said. He squeezed the bridge of his nose as if exasperated. “Gentlemen. I want you to notice that there are four of you and one of me. I also want you to notice that I am not the slightest bit concerned that a quartet of clearly experienced military muscleheads such as yourselves are planning to attempt to pummel me into dogmeat. Now, what does that mean ? One, it could mean that I’m absolutely delusional. Two, it could mean that you really haven’t the slightest idea what you’re getting into. Which is it? You get to choose.”

The four soldiers looked at one another and grinned. “We’re going to go with absolutely delusional,” Kruger said.

“Fine,” Wilson said. He walked into the wide public corridor directly in front of the bar. The four soldiers watched him walk away, confused. Wilson turned to look at them. “Well, don’t just stand there like morons,” he said. “Get out here.”

The four of them walked out to him, hesitant. Wilson waved them closer. “Come on, guys,” he said. “Don’t act like you didn’t want this. Gather round.”

“What are we doing?” Goosen asked, uncertain.

“You guys want a crack at me,” Wilson said. “Okay, so, here’s the deal. Spread yourselves out any way you like. Then one of you tries to hit me. If you can hit me without me blocking you, you get to hit me again. But if I block you, then it’s my turn. I have to hit all four of you without any of you blocking me. If any of you block me, it’s your turn again. Got it?”

“Why are we doing it this way?” Mothudi asked.

“Because this way it looks like we’re having harmless high jinks rather than the four of you attempting to start a war between Earth and the Colonial Union by randomly assaulting a CDF soldier,” Wilson said. “I think that’s wise, don’t you? So, go ahead now, position yourselves.”

The four soldiers spread out in a semicircle in front of Wilson.

“Anytime,” Wilson said.

“Harry Wilson?” said a female voice.

Wilson turned to look. Kruger rushed him, arms raised. Wilson blocked Kruger and put him on his back. Kruger exhaled in surprise.

“Attacking while I was distracted,” Wilson said. “Nice. Futile, but nice.” He hauled Kruger back up and pushed him back into his old position. Then he returned his attention to the woman who addressed him.

“Danielle Lowen,” he said. “What a pleasant surprise.”

“All right, I give up,” Lowen said. She was standing with a man wearing a uniform. “What exactly are you doing?”

“I’m embarrassing these four knuckledraggers,” Wilson said.

“Do you need any help?” the man next to Lowen asked.

“No, I’m good,” Wilson said, and Mothudi took a lunge at him. Mothudi was on the deck shortly thereafter. “You went out of turn,” Wilson said, mildly, to him. He got off Mothudi’s neck and let him crawl back into position. Then he looked back to Lowen. “Where are you two off to?” he asked.

“Actually, we were looking for you,” Lowen said, and nodded to the man standing with her. “This is Captain David Hirsch, United States Air Force. Also, my cousin.”

“You’re the one taking the high dive with me,” Wilson said.

“That’s right,” Hirsch said.

“Nice to meet you,” Wilson said.

“Hey,” Kruger said. “Are we fighting here or what?”

“Sorry,” Wilson said to him, and turned back to Hirsch and Lowen. “Excuse me for a minute.”

“Take your time,” Hirsch said.

“Will take no time at all,” Wilson said. He faced the four soldiers again. “Three rounds,” he said.

“What?” said Kruger.

“Three rounds,” Wilson repeated. “As in, I hit all of you three times each and we’re done. I’ve got people to see, and you probably need to practice breathing through your mouths or something. So, three rounds. Okay?”

“Whatever,” Kruger said.

“Good,” Wilson said, and smacked each of them across the face, hard, before they knew what hit them. They stood, holding their cheeks, stunned.

“That’s one,” Wilson said. “Here comes round two.”

“Wai-,” Kruger began, and the end of the word was lost in multiple smacking sounds.

“Okay, that’s two,” Wilson said. “Ready for three?”

“Fuck this,” Goosen said, and all four men rushed Wilson simultaneously.

“Aaaaand that’s three,” Wilson said, to the four, who were all on the deck, clutching their necks and gasping. “Don’t worry, guys, your tracheas are just bruised. You’ll be fine in a day. Well, two days. Don’t rush it. So, we’re done here?…Guys?”