Charles Sheffield: Higher Education

“Lucky bastard.” Screw opened his hand to reveal a third, full-length toothpick. “You get Preebane all to yourself.”

“Aha!” The voice, thin and with a definite lisp, came from behind Rick. “And do I hear thomeone taking my name in vain?”

Rick turned and stared. The man waddling along the corridor was too good to be true. He was pale, short, and grossly overweight. He had watery blue eyes in a pudgy face, and he sported a flat, gingery-brown moustache that looked as though it had been poorly dyed and pasted above his full upper lip.

Preebane’s very appearance was an opportunity to have fun. If Rick didn’t get in quickly, some other class joker certainly would.

In fact, it was already happening. Rick heard a whisper, deliberately loud, from among the group of waiting students: “Quiet now. Here comes our new PE teacher.”

Preebane, heading for the classroom door, paused uncertainly. After a moment he decided to pretend he had not heard the comment. He unlocked the door and waved the students inside. Rick, contrary to his natural instincts and usual practice, went to sit in the middle of the first row. Preebane, belly wobbling, moved to stand beneath the video-camera right in front of Rick. He beamed directly at him.

Rick gazed back and waited for inspiration. He, who usually had a thousand ideas for baiting teachers, suddenly found his mind a blank. Goaded to physical violence, Willis Preebane looked like a man who would drop dead from the exertion before he could land the first blow.

And that voice. “Good morning. I am Mr. Preebane, and I want to welcome you to my class on introductory civics.” Or rather, it was “Mr. Pweebane,” and “my clath on introductory thivicth.”

“I told Pwinthipal Wigden of my appwoach, and she agweed with it completely. Begin by forgetting evewything that you have ever been told about the Conthtituthion.”

“Done,” said a girl’s voice from the back of the room, followed by a loud male whisper, “Hire the handicapped.”

The others were starting without Rick. He could feel Screw and Hoss glaring accusingly at his back. And still his brain was empty. It was an enormous relief to hear the click of the PA system, right above his head, and a voice saying, “I am delighted to announce that we have been paid an unexpected visit by Congresswoman Pearl, who as I am sure you know serves on our Board of Education. All students and teachers will please assemble at once in the main hall.”

Principal Rigden didn’t sound delighted to Rick. She sounded ready to shit bricks. But the interruption would give him time to think. He stayed in his seat until everyone except Mr. Preebane had left the room, then he moved out and held the door for the teacher.

Preebane nodded his thanks. Rick closed the door; was careful not to lock it; and hurried after the rest of the class ahead of Preebane. He caught up with them as they were filing into the hall.

“What about some action, dipshit?” Screw Savage didn’t wait until they were seated. “If I’d known you was goin’ to just sit there like a dried-out dog turd, I’d never have held any draw. You can’t hang old Willis out to dry, what the hell can you handle?”

“His dick.” Hoss stood on the other side of Screw. “He’s done it too much and softened his brain.”

“Don’t you believe it. I know what I’m doing. And it’s something special.” Rick glared at both of them. “But I need a little bit of help from you. You have to go sit down near the front.”

“And where will you be?” Screw sounded suspicious.

“Right at the back. Near the door. The classroom’s not locked, Screw. I was last out, I made sure it was that way.”

“Ah!” The other two understood at once.

“What do you want us to do?” Hoss asked.

“Wait ’til the principal is ready to introduce Congress-woman Whats-it. It should get real quiet. Then you drop something.”

“What?”

“Hell, I dunno. Anything. Anything that makes a decent noise.”

Hoss dived into his pocket and came up with a handful of change. “This? People will scrabble around after ’em, too.”

“Perfect.”

“But the Rigger will have my ass in a sling for interrupting her.”

“For dropping money and losing some? Don’t think so. Anyway, if you’re going to help, get going. I can’t wait much longer. Have to find a seat near the side door.”

Hoss and Screw nodded. Rick turned at once and started easing his way against the main flow of students. The seats at the back, usually filled first, where today half empty. Everybody wanted to see Principal Rigden wriggle and grovel, the way she always did with Board of Education visitors. Rick sat at the end of a row he had almost to himself, close enough to the open door for a quiet getaway.

He waited impatiently while the stage filled with the senior teachers. Willis Preebane was up there with them—that was surprising for a new and junior staff member. The honor didn’t seem to make him comfortable; maybe because his ass would hardly squeeze in between the arms of his chair.

There was one student on the stage, too. Daniel Rackett. As valedictorian (vale-dickhead-torian, as Hoss usually put it) Danny would be called upon to say something to welcome their guest. He didn’t look comfortable, either. He was peering at the headset that was supposed to read his speech into his ear. From the expression on his face it wasn’t working right. Even from the back of the hall Rick could see his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.

Finally Principal Rigden appeared, smiling broadly and leading a large, red-haired woman in a green pantsuit. They moved to two empty chairs at the front of the stage, Congresswoman Pearl sat down, and the principal turned to face the students. “I would like—”

There was the clatter of two dozen small coins falling onto the wooden floor. Some of them were still rolling when Rick quietly rose and slipped out of the side door.

The principal would speak, then Danny Rackett, then the visitor. Rick probably had at least half an hour. But that wasn’t long for what he had in mind.

First he headed away from Room 33, keeping his eyes open for working videocameras. The contraceptive dispensers were down by the cafeteria entrance. They needed a student name and ID code before they would operate, but Rick was prepared for that. He entered “Daniel J. Rackett” and “XKY-586", waited as the valedictorian’s ID was confirmed, and took the packet of three condoms. He did it twice more. Nine should be enough. If anyone checked today’s records, Danny would get quite a reputation.

The corridors were deserted as he hurried back toward Room 33, opened the door, and slipped through. The trick now was to disable the classroom videocamera without being seen by it. The cable ran along the ceiling, well out of reach. Rick scaled the open door and balanced precariously on top of it. He had no knife on him—anything that might form a weapon would never get past the school entrance—but his nail clippers were enough for this job. He crouched on top of the door, reached up, and delicately snipped the thin grey cable.

He lost his balance as he did so and had to jump, but he landed easily. And finally he could close the classroom door. There was no way of locking it from the inside, but he felt a lot safer once it was shut.

He blew up eight of the condoms and tied their ends. They formed great balloons, a couple of feet long and nine or ten inches wide. He taped them all around Preebane’s desk, stepped back, and surveyed his work.

It was a start, but it was not enough. He could imagine Screw Savage’s sniff and critical comment: “Kindergarten stuff.” He had to try for the rest.

Rick went to the door, opened it, and looked along the corridor. He had no idea how much time had passed, but everywhere was still silent and deserted. He left the door unlocked and hurried along to the washroom at the end of the corridor. He placed the end of the remaining condom over a faucet, held it in position, and turned on the water.