Руди Рюкер - Master Of Space And Time

"Wow. I've got money, you know. I'll get you the best lawyer."

"Gee, thanks. You want to hear about the cockroach under my bed?"

"Come off it, Harry." We were both leaning across the table, with our faces almost touching.

The guard was definitely not paying attention any more. "I want to try running the blunzer again. Where can I find yellow gluons?"

"I've been racking my brain. Someone at Princeton might have some. Do you know any of the physics guys?"

"Alwin Bitter!"

"Beautiful. But do you think you can operate the blunzer? You don't really understand how it works, Joe."

I felt like laughing in his face. "I don't understand? I happen to be the one who told you how to build it, Harry."

His face clouded over in sudden anger. "You? Don't try to hog the credit, Fletcher. I designed and built it. It's my invention."

"Sure it is," I sneered. "Where did you get the original idea though, huh?"

"In — in a dream. But it was my dream, and —"

"It wasn't your dream, Harry. I fed it to you. When I got blunzed yesterday I went back in time and gave you the dream about how to build the blunzer." Harry was shaking his head and holding his eyes squeezed shut. "It's true, Harry. Remember the river with the duck that walked on water?"

Harry's eyes snapped open. "Oh. Oh, my. Didn't you have to trade some mass to move back like that? The way I had to move Zeke forward to go see you in the car?"

"I just sent my image. You don't really have to trade mass. You just did it that way so you could make a Godzilla."

"This is confusing." Harry glanced over at the guard. The guy was out on his feet. "Assuming Bitter gets you the gluons, what are you going to wish for this time? You'll only have a second or two."

"I'd just like things back the way they were. Of course I'll keep my money."

Harry studied my face for a minute. "You're still the same underneath, Fletch. You're the one who's really crazy. That's what I always tell people, but they never listen. Have you gotten laid yet?"

"I'm scared to."

"What about the answer to why things exist? Weren't you going to find that out for Baumgard? You rushed off so fast yesterday that I never got to ask you."

"You didn't have to keep calling me a homo."

"Well, face it, Joe, anyone who —"

"I don't want to talk about it. I'll tell you about Baumgard's question. Why things exist. What I did was to look way, way back in time to try to see how it all started."

"How far back?" Harry's eyes widened with interest.

"I went all the way back to the Big Bang."

"And?"

"I caused it."

"You caused the Big Bang?"

"It was like nothing was happening and I got impatient. I was spread out all over space and time, so I just took energy from all over and focused it back on the starting point."

Harry's eyes glazed over in thought. "The universe as a self-excited system," he said slowly. "I like it. It makes sense."

"So in a way I'm God, aren't I?"

Harry gave me a look of mingled pity and amusement. "Sure you are, Joe."

"Well, look, if I was the one who —"

"I. Who invented the blunzer? Nobody did, Fletch, it invented itself. It came out of no place and told us how to make it. I put the parts together, you got the shot… Can't you see it was just using us? The universe was using us to help excite itself. There's probably lots of these sort of drains where energy gets fed back through time. We're the guys who help hook up the pipes, is all. Spacetime Plumbers."

We'd been talking too loud. The guard was paying attention again.

"I guess I'd better be going," I said, leaning back in my chair. "It certainly was nice to see you again, brother Harry. Though it's a shame it had to be like this."

"Well, Sis, God works in mysterious ways."

They processed me back out of prison. It took half an hour. So many doors, so many walls. Nancy had flown on ahead, but our robot taxi was still waiting for me. The meter was up to seventy-two dollars.

On the turnpike I tried to think through the course of events thus far. I felt like making notes. It had all started on Friday afternoon, September 20. I felt in my pockets for pen and paper and, finding none, asked the driver for writing utensils.

"Lllookkk in the storage comparrtment," the machine intoned. I turned around and snapped up the lid on the storage compartment behind my seat. It held a first-aid kit, some cans of food, a flashlight, and a type-screen. The type-screen was like a child's slate, with a keyboard at one end. You could type onto the screen and, if necessary, produce hard copies. I set the thing on my knee and made a list.

Friday 9/20 I see Harry in Buick. Harry dreams he sees me.Saturday 9/21 We shop Stars 'n' Bars. Godzilla.Sunday 9/22 Go to church. Harry blunzed. Trip to Looking-Glass World.Monday 9/23 Gary-brains invade. Start trip with Nancy. **************Monday 9/30 End trip with Nancy. Slugs in New Brunswick.Tuesday 10/1 Fly to Iowa. Nancy arrested. I get blunzed. Manhattan.Wednesday 10/2 Today.Thursday 10/3 Tomorrow.

I stared at the list for a while, and then erased it. I'd get those yellow gluons from Bitter today. Since I was Harry's sister and Nancy was Fletcher's wife, the police would let us into Harry's shop to look around. We'd say we wanted to inventory the valuables. And then I'd get blunzed. But if yellow gluons were as scarce as Harry said, I wouldn't have much time to maneuver. I'd need to pack everything into one fast wish. I groped for the best way to put it.

Make everything be just like it was on the morning of Friday, September 20.

No, that wouldn't work. That would just throw us all into a horrible time loop. If everything was just like that Friday, then it would be that Friday again, and the whole crazy string of events would happen over again, ending with me wishing us back to that Friday again — no, thanks. Try again.

Undo all the wishes that Harry and I have made up till now.

That would be stupid! Just for openers, I'd lose my money. Not to mention the fact that Antie — and maybe Harry too — would be dead. And I wouldn't get to do my part to start the universe. No, no. I had to get more specific.

Make my body be like it used to, and have the governor pardon Harry, Sondra and me. That seemed fine. I made a hard copy and folded it into my purse. I fell into a light doze and dreamed about Harry and the bumblebee. I was the bee.

"Ma'am?"

I sat up and looked around. We were off the turnpike and nearing Princeton. The robot driver was talking to me.

"Do you need instructions?"

"Nnno. The otherrr llady gavve me the address."

"Of Alwin Bitter?"

"Yesss."

"Well, what do you want, then? I was sleeping."

"I'm bored. Do you knnow anny logic puzzles?"

I glanced at the meter. A hundred and sixty-seven dollars now. Two hundred bucks and I was supposed to entertain the driver as well?

"No, I don't know any logic puzzles." The robot made such a disappointed sound that I relented.

"Well, maybe I do. What about this one. A genie promises a man that he can have exactly one wish come true. Now, what if the man's one wish is that he gets all the wishes he wants?"

"He willl get all the wishes he wannts."

"But remember! An initial condition is that he is allowed to have only one wish."

"I ssseee. So he willl get nno wishes."

"But he was supposed to get one wish."

"Butt perhaps the mann's rreal wish was that he get nno wishes at all. He does gett his wissh."

"But then he doesn't."

"I ssee. Thannk you forr the puzzle. I willl ponderr it."

25. Levels of Uncertainty

"Would you like some iced tea… Mr. Fletcher?"

"Thank you, Mrs. Bitter. I would."

The four of us were sitting in their living room. Five of us, counting Serena. She was sitting on my lap, though she didn't understand who I was supposed to be. I took her little arms and clapped her hands together. She laughed gaily; at least I could still make my daughter laugh.