Alyson Noël - Saving Zoë

She warned me about Jason though, in her own indirect way. She called me into her room one day and showed me a photo she’d kept on her cell phone of her and Carly and some guy with slick blond hair and a black leather jacket. “You see this creep?” she’d said, stabbing his face with the tip of her fingernail. “Stay far away from him. I’m serious, Echo, promise me that if you ever see him somewhere you’ll just turn around and walk the other way, okay? Promise?”

I leaned in and peered at the tiny thumbnail, then shrugged and turned to leave. But she refused to let me off that easy, so she made me look again. Which is the only reason I recognized him in the park that first day.

Zoë was just trying to protect me, in the way that she failed to protect herself. She was always telling me to look out, to not be so trusting, to run away if my instincts suggested it, to act in a way that she didn’t.

And it makes me wonder if maybe I’d been a year or so older, or even just acted a little more mature, if she

would’ve eventually felt safe enough to confide in me.

But then again, probably not. Zoë always made it her job to protect me, even if it meant protecting me from herself.

I close my eyes, afraid of what else I might read, but knowing I need to continue. Then I think about Teresa and her infatuation with Jason, and grab my cell, knowing I have to try to warn her, even if she doesn’t want to listen.

When she doesn’t pick up, I leave a message. Then I chase it with a text, asking her to call me, explaining that it’s urgent.

For the last two days I’ve done my best to avoid Carly, which believe me, has not gone over so well. Especially after the bell rang and it was time to walk home and both times I didn’t want to be anywhere near her. I mean, I’m sorry but I just can’t go acting like everything’s all fine and normal and like that whole disgusting day in Jason’s filthy apartment never even happened. And the fact that she can just makes me want to avoid her even more.

So just when I thought it was safe, she saw me and was all, “Hey, wait up! Zoë, jeez! Are you avoiding me?” she asked as she ran to catch up with me.

I just took a deep breath and looked at her, having made up my mind not to lie. “Yes,” I said, my eyes right on hers the whole time.

“And can I ask why?” She stood there, hands on hips, looking all mad and indignant and bitchy.

“Do I really need to explain?” I picked up the pace.

“Well, I guess not. But I really don’t get why you’re so freaked. I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s not like anyone will ever know.”

I just looked at her and rolled my eyes, thinking she was so frustratingly lame, and wondering how we ever became friends. Then I said, “Well, you know what, Carly? I know. And you know. And Jason knows. And since he got it all on tape, it’s just a matter of time before the whole freaking world knows! Don’t you get it?”

But she just shrugged, like it’s not a big deal, which made me even madder.

So I said, “I can’t believe you did this to me. I can’t believe you put me in that position!”

But she just goes, It’s not like anyone held a gun to your head, so stop acting like such a little effin baby. And let’s just get one thing straight. Nobody made anyone do anything they weren’t willing to do, okay? You were there of your own free will. Which means you also participated of your own free will.”

But no way was I letting her off that easy, so I said, “Oh really, is it still free will if I’m all messed up on something he gave me? Something that I’m really starting to doubt was E? Because I think he gave us something else, Carly. I think he gave us something way worse.”

But she just looked away and rolled her eyes, making it perfectly clear she thought I was overreacting. “Yeah? Well, it’s not like he slipped it in your drink or anything. You took it right out of my hand, and nobody forced you to do that, Zoë.”

And hearing her say that made me so mad I started to shake, probably because I knew in a way it was true. But also because I couldn’t stop thinking about that glass of water he gave me, and how tired I felt after just a few sips. Though it’s not like I could prove anything, and it’s not like Carly would even care. So I just shook my head and said, “But still, don’t you realize how messed up this all is? Don’t you realize how this will all come back to haunt us? Stuff like this always does, there’s just no avoiding it.”

But she just rolled her eyes and went, “Relax, already. It’s not like it hurt Paris Hilton’s career. Or Pamela Anderson’s. Or half of Hollywo —

But before she could finish that, I was already gone. And when I got to the parking lot, I saw Shauna kissing Marc.

And seeing them together like that made me burst into tears, and I took off running, just as fast as I could, wishing I could just keep going, just run without stopping ’til I reached the other side of the world.

My dreams are getting worse, and all the stress and lack of sleep is starting to make me look totally haggard. Seriously. I mean, my skin looks so bad I actually considered canceling the photo shoot. But then I realized how now more than ever I need to do whatever it takes to get the hell out of here so I never have to see Carly, or Jason, or anyone else in this stupid fucking town ever again.

I need to go somewhere new, someplace where I can start fresh. And then someday when I’m rich and famous, I’ll get hold of that tape and destroy it.

Marc came up to me today at school, when I was standing at my locker, between classes. I was just switching out my books, when he leaned in and said, “Zoë.”

That’s it. All he said was my name, and I totally crumbled. Started bawling like a big pathetic baby. All of my worry, fear, and anxiety, all of my despair over the tape and my heartache over missing him and seeing how he’d already moved on to someone else, it all got mixed together and just came pouring out in a tsunami of emotion.

But he just held me close, keeping me tight against his chest as he stroked my hair and whispered in my ear. And when I still couldn’t stop, he said, “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” Then he grabbed my hand and led me away.

We went to the park to feed our ducks. And at first we didn’t speak much, but then once we got started, we could hardly stop. And I apologized for snooping in his file, and for getting so upset, and he apologized for getting so mad and avoiding me like that. Then just as I was feeling really really close to him, close enough to confide about the whole mess with Jason, he mentioned Shauna. Telling me how it didn’t mean anything, how she was a nice girl and all, but still, a very poor substitute forme.

So I held my tongue, and didn’t say a word. Reminding myself how he wouldn’t really want to know, and how it was far better to just keep quiet.

Though I did say that if he wanted to be back together with me, then he was never allowed to call Shauna again. And he agreed.

Then he told me all about Dr. Kenner, and how he started seeing him way back when his dad first went to jail and his mom started boozing and sleeping around on a regular basis, and how he was so full of rage and anger that he basically went kind of nuts and ended up vandalizing one of the buildings at his private school. At first his mom was able to keep it quiet by paying for the damage, pulling him out, and enrolling him somewhere else, but at the next school it was basically the exact same thing, and it pretty much went on like that until they ran out of expensive schools. So I guess Bella Vista and Dr. Kenner were pretty much his last great hope, since if he messed up again he’d be headed straight tojuvie, no matter how much money his mom threw at the courts.