Alyson Noël - Saving Zoë

I’m not sure why I was feeling like that, because obviously I’m free to do whatever with whoever. Though I think it’s pretty obvious how hooking up with Jason would be a really bad idea. I mean, there are bad boys and then there are bad boys.

But since I didn’t want him to know just how weirded out he was making me feel, I made a pact with myself that I’d be polite and hang for a half an hour or so, and then fake some excuse so I could bail out of there and make it home way before my parents.

He propped his boot-clad feet right on top of his filthy glass coffee table, then he started talking about a bunch of VIPs he claims to know in New York, LA., and Vegas, and all kinds of other nonsense that really made me wonder if any of it could possibly be true.

And then for some reason I started to feel really really sleepy, and after like my third yawn in a row, he goes,

“Am I boring you?”

And I felt so guilty I said, “No, of course not I guess I just didn’t sleep all that well last night, that’s all.” Which wasn’t at all true, but still, I didn’t want to be rude.

So then he said, “Well, why don’t you lay down for a while and chill? I can take you home later.” Then he smiled in a way that was trying to be more convincing than kind.

But I just shook my head and said, “No, I should probably get going. Do you mind taking me now?”

And right when he smiled and opened his mouth to speak, Carly knocked on the door.

“Hey, you guys. Got out early. Coach Warner got called away on some kind of family emergency, so he had no choice but to let us all go.”

She plopped down on the couch, right beside Jason and smiled in a way that clearly showed how she didn’t give a shit about the coach or his family. And it’s not like I care about him either, I mean, so many times I’ve wanted to bust him for looking down my top, but still, a family emergency is never a good thing. Though in this case, I guess it was for Carly.

Jason immediately went to hand her his bong, but Carly just as quickly brushed it away. “Forget it I’ve got to stop smoking. I’m getting fat, and my jeans are totally starting to strangle me,” she said.

But he just laughed. “I got something to help you with that,” he told her.

And she went, “What? They invented a Nicorette patch for burnouts?”

He smiled. “Even better.”

“What, like those hippie herbal pills you give Zoë? No thanks,” she said, shaking her head.

But he just got up and went into the kitchen (which is basically still in the same room, just over on the other side) and when he came back over he had these two pills in his hand. And when he gave them to Carly, she said, “What’s this?”

And he smiled and said, “Zero-calorie, feel-good E.”

And she goes, “Omigod, this is ecstasy? I’ve totally been wanting to try it.” Then right before she places it on her tongue she squints at him and goes, “Wait, how much?”

But he just smiled and said, “Now baby you know me, the first three’s always free.”

So she grabbed my bottle of water and started to take them both, but before she could do that he grabbed her wrist and said, “Hold up, only one of those is yours. The other one’s for Zoë.”

And so she gave me the other one, and since I’ve always kind of wanted to try it too, and since I knew it would be safer if we did it together, I just popped it in my mouth then washed it down with a big swig of water.

It was only much later, on the way home, when I started to wonder if that was really E.

Okay, I didn’t write this earlier because I’m really freaking out, and I’m not sure I even want to actually sit down and think about it, much less write about it But at the same time I don’t feel like I can allow this to just live in my head because it’s starting to feel like way too much for me to hold on to. And since Marc’s not around (not like I could ever tell him anyway) and since no way am I discussing it with Carly since she’s partly responsible, I guess I’ll just have to settle for here.

So let’s just say that by the time Jason dropped me off, I was feeling like shit. I mean, seriously messed up and tired and clammy and nauseous, and just basically like total crap. And just as I was making my way up the drive, Marc stepped out from where he was waiting by the tree and said, “Did you have a good time?”

But I wasn’t up for any of that I was seriously upset, and all I wanted was to take a megahot long shower then go straight to bed. So I just shook my head and moved past him, intent on getting to the door without any more hassles, noticing how my mouth still tasted like vomit from when I got sick.

“I want to know if you had a good time with Jason,” he said, grabbing my arm now, his fingers squeezing hard and tight.

And just as I was trying to yank my arm away, the porch light went on and my dad opened the door, took one look at me, the way Marc was gripping my arm, and said, “Let go of my daughter”

So of course Marc immediately let go and started backing away. I’m sorry,” he said, both hands raised in surrender. “But you’ve got it all wrong. It’s not what you think.”

I just stood there, my forehead pressed against the door, my breath coming slow and weak, listening to my dad’s voice, all hard and serious as he said, “I want you to get in your car and go home. And I don’t ever want to see you anywhere near my daughter again, understood?”

And even though I wanted to explain how it wasn’t at all like he thought, I couldn’t. So I made my way upstairs and into my room, where I stripped off my clothes and went straight for the shower.

Great, my mom’s knocking. Apparently it’s dinnertime, so I guess I’ll continue this later

Later, though still Sept 16

So where was I? Oh yeah, so there are these bruises on my arm that my dad saw the next morning and just naturally assumed were from Marc. And even though I did my best to explain how he had it all wrong and how Marc

would never ever do something like that, he still refused to believe me.

He just sat down beside me and gave me some lecture about Those Kinds of Guys. The kind who first charm you, then abuse you. He also told me that if he ever saw him near me again, then he’d… but thank G he just left that last part hanging.

And while in a way it was kind of sweet to see my dad get all protective and worked up like that — because let’s face it, my family totally sucks at anything remotely emotional — the fact is, it was all so misguided. Besides, it’s not like I had any real faith in my dad’s ass-kicking abilities. I mean, he’d seriously be lucky if he could bench-press an encyclopedia.

Though it’s not like I could even try to tell him the real truth. I mean, I’m barely willing to admit it to myself.

Because even though he thinks Marc’s to blame, the truth is I know it’s from what happened at Jason’s. And the horrible things he made me and Carly do.

And even though I was so messed up that a lot of it’s still pretty fuzzy, what I do remember really makes me wonder just exactly what it was that he gave us. Because only something really hard-core could get me to do what I did.

Especially in front of a camera.

I shut the diary and stare before me, unable to focus, my mind reeling from the things I’d just read — all the horrible things my sister endured, the secrets she kept that few people knew.

But I don’t judge her. And not once while reading that did I shake my head and think, You should’ve known better.

Because Zoë’s sweet, trusting nature was the biggest part of her. Her unruly optimism is what drew people to her. And it was unfortunate that not all of those people meant as well as she.