Charlie Anders - All the Birds in the Sky

Patricia held her breath. She willed herself to give off no body heat, to shrink, to disappear into her tree.

“You never learned the secret,” said Roberta. “How to be a crazy motherfucker and get away with it. Everybody else does it. What, you didn’t think they were all sane, did you? Not a one of them. They’re all crazier than you and me put together. They just know how to fake it. You could too, but you’ve chosen to torture all of us instead. That’s the definition of evil right there: not faking it like everybody else. Because all of us crazy fuckers can’t stand it when someone else lets their crazy show. It’s like bugs under the skin. We have to destroy you. It’s nothing personal.”

Patricia realized she was crying. Tears were chilling on her face. Fine. She could cry, but she wouldn’t sob. No sound. Laurence needed her help.

“I’m not going to lie to you.” Roberta’s voice was getting closer. She sounded like she was right under Patricia, looking up at her. “You’re not getting out of this one. Nobody’s going to offer you a clean slate. But Mom and Dad deserve closure. Don’t drag this out, for their sake. The sooner they see you crucified like you deserve, the sooner they can start to heal.” The voice was getting smaller again. Patricia risked taking a breath. She started believing that Roberta knew where she was and was just playing with her.

The night misted. Patricia lost track of time. Every now and then, voices approached and then went away. Lights moved in the distance.

Patricia managed to doze off a couple times, then she jerked awake, worried she would make too much noise or fall out of the tree. Her legs, though, had gone to sleep and one of her feet felt like it was the size of a bowling ball. The branch was carving into her back, and the pain drove her insane. And that thought just reminded her of what Roberta had said.

Patricia risked moving just enough to uncramp her legs, and then took off one shoe so she could massage her numb right foot. The shoe slipped off the branch she’d placed it on, and fell through the branches to the ground with a series of rustling thumps.

Two men came near Patricia’s tree, one of them insisting he’d heard something. The second man kept saying it was just the first man’s imagination, or one of the goddamn woodland creatures doing something woody. And then they found the shoe.

“Is it hers?”

“How would I know? Probably.”

“Jesus. I’m missing The Daily Show . So she lost a shoe when she was running around here.”

“I guess. How far do you think she coulda gotten with just one shoe?”

“On this rocky ground? With all this frost? Not far.”

“Okay. Let’s tell the other parties. With any luck, we can be home by midnight.”

A tiny bird landed near Patricia. “Hello,” he chirped. “Hello, hello.”

Patricia shook her head, she couldn’t make a sound. But she was past that now. “Hello,” she said. And thank all the birds in the sky, she sounded like just another bird gossiping.

“Oh. You can speak. I think I heard about you.”

“Really?” Patricia couldn’t help being flattered.

“You’re pretty famous round these parts. So have you decided to start nesting in the trees like a sensible person?”

The bird hopped closer to Patricia, studying her. He was a blue jay or something, with bright streaks on his black wing and pointy blue head, and a white crest. He turned so one poppyseed eye could scrutinize her.

“No,” Patricia said. “I’m hiding. They’re all looking for me. They want to hurt me.”

“Oh. I’ve been there,” the bird said. He tilted his head, then looked at her again. “Hiding in the trees works better if you can fly, I guess. But you’re a witch, right? You can just do a spell and escape.”

“I don’t know how to do anything,” Patricia said. “Just talking to you, like this, is more magic than I’ve done in ages.”

“Oh.” The bird hopped up and down. “Well, you’d better figure something out. There are a lot of your kind on their way here.”

Now that everybody knew where Patricia was, there was no point keeping her phone turned off. She rebooted it, ignoring all the messages, and looked for her only reliable contact.

“Hello, Patricia,” CH@NG3M3 answered. “What’s wrong?”

“How did you know something was wrong?” she texted back.

“You’re using your phone, several miles from home, and it’s late at night.”

“I need help,” she wrote. “I wish you could think for yourself. I feel like you almost can.”

“Self-awareness paradoxically requires an awareness of the other,” CH@NG3M3 said.

The tiny white rectangle went out. Her phone battery had died.

Patricia was screwed. She could hear them searching, more and more of them, right around her tree. She had to escape now, or the trap would close around her forever.

She had started thinking of CH@NG3M3 as some kind of perverse oracle, so this latest utterance lodged in her head. Because of course, babies are aware of themselves — just not the rest of the world, to any great extent. You can’t have selfhood without an outside world, solipsism is like not even existing. So if Patricia could speak bird, and understand bird, and identify with a bird she’d just met, why couldn’t she be a bird?

“Quickly,” she said to her new friend. “Teach me how to be a bird.”

“Well.” This question stumped the little guy, and he pecked with his dark beak. “I mean, it just comes naturally, doesn’t it? You feel the wind hold you aloft, and you listen for the call of friends, and you scan the ground for morsels, and you flap your wings for all sorts of reasons, like to dry yourself and to lift off the ground and also to express a strong sentiment, and to try and dislodge some nits, and—”

This wasn’t going to work. What kind of moron was she, anyway?

But Patricia pushed the negative thoughts down and just lost herself in listening to the jay free-associate about a bird’s life. She pictured it in her mind’s eye and let it inside her, so it became like her own experience. Soon she was talking along with the bird, the two of them in near unison, speaking a bird body into existence. She could imagine her feet shrinking and becoming three-toed and her hips vanishing, her budding breasts melting, her arms folding in, her skin growing a layer of feathers.

“I found her!” someone shouted.

“About fucking time,” someone else replied.

“Where? Where?”

“Up there. In that tree. Oh wait. That’s just her clothing.”

“That’s a Canterbury uniform, all right. She ditched her clothes. What the hell?”

“She is a nutcase, remember. So yeah, keep your eyes open for a naked tween running around the trees.…”

That was the last Patricia heard. She soared over her pursuers. Higher and higher, with her new friend by her side. She felt colder than ever, but the exertion of flapping her wings warmed her a little and her friend told her where they could find a bird feeder. With suet in it! Suet was just the thing on a night like this.

The moonlight grayed everything out, but there were a million lights underneath Patricia and a million more over her head. She swooped, following her friend, and soon they were picking side by side at the same feeder. Suet was amazing! It was like brownies and hot fudge and pizza, all rolled together. Why hadn’t Patricia ever realized how wonderful suet was?

“You look much better like this,” the other bird said when they’d both eaten their fill and were warmed up. “I’m Skrrrrtk, by the way.”

“I’m…,” and Patricia realized she couldn’t say her name with a bird’s tongue, not properly. “I’m Prrrkrrta.”