Robert Sheckley - An Infinity of Angels

"Why not? We represent a real territory. Or is heaven not a real place by you?"

Herbie considered. "What sort of work is liason?"

"You'll talk to the newspapers on our behalf. At a very good salary. It's better than renting out gym shoes."

"So you know about that?"

"I did my research before I came here."

"This town is full of crazy Christian sects," Herbie said. "They'll tear me apart when I tell them about this."

"Not at all. I predict they'll be very interested and come out here to see for themselves."

"And then?"

"Then I'll do the miracle thing and we'll have some followers."

"Which miracle thing were you considering?"

"The water into wine bit."

"For these people, water into beer might go down better. Especially if you can add a shot of Southern Comfort on the side."

"That's good advice, Herbie. We're going to pay you as an advisor, too. These little local touches are invaluable. Now please go into town and get on with it."

"If they happen to burn me at the stake, remember, you owe me a favor."

On the Sex of Angels

Angels are commonly referred to as 'he' or 'she.' There is a tradition that angels are sexless, as well as a tradition that says that this tradition is nonsense. We can say, from our observations, that angels appear to be men or women with wings and (frequently) the dopey expression that sometimes accompanies extreme goodness, or its near-cousin, naivete. There are angels of all skin and hair colors, from albino blonde to purple-black ebony. There are baby angels, sometimes (inaccurately) called cherubim.

No one has ever seen an angel naked, so science has been unable to ascertain the average size and shape of their sexual organs, if any. X-ray equipment has been tried, but for some reason doesn't seem to penetrate the thin, light cloth the angels are typically clothed in. Nor has it been possible yet to obtain samples of this cloth to test their radiation-blocking ability, if any. Several companies have shown interest in manufacturing 'angel cloth,' but their inquiries have not been answered.

One day there was one, the one who came to Herbie, and the day after there were many, and within a year there was an angelic embassy, and shortly after that, a seat in the General Assembly of the United Nations, this due to the efforts of then-President Cartwright, who thought he recognized in the angels the fulfillent of youthful visions of his Mormon childhood.

The great religion of America and most of the Western world was science, and so the first order of business was to prove or disprove whether or not these beings who represented themselves as angels were indeed and in fact angels, and if so, what constituted an angel, what were his properties, and how did he differ from a human being.

Finally, if these beings who represented themselves as angels were indeed angels, did this prove or at least imply the existence of heaven, of God?

The scientists were hampered because no angel ever let him or herself be examined, to have samples of flesh and blood taken, to submit to the various scientific procedures that might ascertain their reality.

The angels were not purposely mysterious. They just wanted to go about their business like everyone else. Herbie was their appointed spokesman. If you have any questions, ask Herbie. But Herbie didn't know anything. After that firdst day, the angels never told him anything, never answered his questions, never gave him any orders, never made any requests. This was fine with Herbie, who wasn't very interested in scientific proofs of angelhood.

Angels and wings. Angels on Earth--those we have observed--make great use of their wings. Some would say entirely too much use of them. Angels don't walk up or down stairs when they can fly.

They tend to avoid elevators, escalators, and staircases.

Many of us have seen them on shopping trips, flying in the golden perfumed air of New York's great stores, like Saks 5th Avenue, Bergdorf Goodman's, and above all, Bloomingdale's.

Sometimes the air of these places seems dense with angels, especially at the time of January sales, and you wonder how they can avoid collisions. But avoid them they do.

No angel has ever been seen crashing into another, or tangling wings and coming to the ground with a despairing flutter.

Angels seem to have built-in radar. (Although they have never allowed us to examine them to see if this is indeed the case.)

In tighter spaces, like private homes and shops and offices, angels seem to move more like moths than birds. You can pack a lot of moths into a room and they never collide.

An angel's flight in crowded territory consists of fluttering and darting and hovering, like a moth or butterly.

You would suspect that an angel keeps himself aloft by strong muscular motions of the wings. They do indeed beat their wings when they fly, but, according to science, with insufficient force to allow them to stay aloft.

Scientists have proven that given the average wingspan of an angel, (as observed but not actually measured) and taking into account the apparent musculature of the average angel, an angel could not provide enough force to keep itself afloat, much less make any forward progress. As the scientists said in their report, "The wingspan is not large enough and the musculature not bulky enough to provide the necessary impetus for flight."

Angels don't comment on these matters. Herbie once remarked, "True... but nevertheless they do fly."

When asked if this was a miracle, they have been known to report (through Herbie) "What isn't?" To which there is of course no reply.

Many of us thought that once we had angels among us, all our questions concerning the hereafter would be answered.

This has not proven to be the case. We don't even know for certain if there is a heaven and a life after death.

We have only Herbie's conjectures, and these have been shown to be not worth squat.

In fact, their veritable presence, and their silence, has raised more questions, and provided no answers.

Soon after their election to the United Nations as the representatives of heaven, it was observed that many angels were branching out into small businesses.

Angels, with their particular talents, were natural to go into the delivery business, and the messenger business.

People could get used to the idea of angels delivering flowers. That seemed natural. But pizzas?

They went in for heavier deliveries, too. Ten or twelve angels could lift and carry an automobile, and put it where you wanted it, even if that was thousands of miles away.

Angels didn't mind crossing oceans and continents carrying heavy loads.

Herbie claimed they enjoyed the exercise, but he might have been making that up.

It was only a step from pizzas and automobiles to personal carrying services. You got used to the sight of humans in light-weight palanquins, carried aloft from their Wall street offices to their upstate residences.

But it was not only the wealthy who could afford these services. The wealthy were the pace-setters. But the angels, operating on some weird economic law of their own devising, apparently, made the prices of even their most personal and exotic services available to all, at prices anyone could afford.

One thing the popularity of their services did--it brought about an increase in the number of angels on Earth, supply of angels apparently following the demand for angel services in classical fashion.