Robert Asprin - Tales From The Vulgar Unicorn

The dog lay with the upper length of the sword sticking from its mouth. His tongue extended from the jaws, bloody, seeming almost an independent entity, a stricken worm.

Smhee grabbed the bronze handle of the door.

'Pray for us, Masha! If he's barred the door on the inside ...!'

The door swung open.

Smhee bounded in, the dead man's spear in his hands. Masha, following, saw a large room the air of which was green and reeking of incense. The walls were covered with tapestries, and the heavy dark furniture was ornately carved with demons' heads. They paused to listen and heard nothing except a faint burbling noise.

'Get the bodies in quickly!' Smhee said, and they dragged the corpses inside. They expected the dreaded mage to walk in at any time, but he still had not appeared when they shut the door.

Smhee whispered, 'Anyone coming by will notice that there is no guard.'

They entered the next room cautiously. This was even larger and was obviously the bedroom. The bed was huge and round and on a platform with three steps. It was covered with a rich scarlet material brocaded in gold.

'He must be working in his laboratory,' Smhee whispered.

They slowly opened the door to the next room.

The burbling became louder then. Masha saw that it proceeded from a great glass vessel shaped like an upside-down cone. A black-green liquid simmered in it, and large bubbles rose from it and passed out the open end. Beneath it was a brazier filled with glowing coals. From the ceiling above a metal vent admitted the fumes.

The floor was mosaic marble in which were set pentagrams and nonagrams. From the centre of one rose a wisp of evil-smelling smoke. A few seconds later, the smoke ceased.

There were many tables holding other mysterious equipment and racks holding long thick rolls of parchment and papyrus. In the middle of the room was a very large desk of some shiny reddish wood. Before it was a chair of the same wood, its arms and back carved with human-headed dragons.

The mage, clad in a purple silk robe which was embroidered with golden centaurs and gryphons, was in the chair. His face was on the desk, and his arms were spread out on it. He stank of rancid butter.

Smhee approached him slowly, then grabbed the thin curly hair of the mage's topknot and raised the head.

There was water on the desk, and water ran from the dead man's nose and mouth.

'What happened to him?' she whispered. .

Smhee did not reply at once. He lifted the body from the chair and placed it on the floor. Then he knelt and thumped the mage's chest.

The fat man rose smiling.

'What happened is that the reversal of the wheels' motion caused the water which should have fallen off the paddles to go instead to the mage. The conversion of physical energy to magical energy was reversed.'

He paused.

'The water went into the mage's body. He drowned\'

He raised his eyes and said, 'Blessed is Weda Krizhtawn, the goddess of water! She has her revenge through her faithful servant, Rhandhee Ghee!'

He looked at Masha.' That is my true name, Rhandhee Ghee. And I have revenged the goddess and her worshippers. The defiler and thief is dead, and I can go home now. Perhaps she will forgive some of my sins because I have fulfilled her intent. I won't go to hell, surely. I will suffer in a purgatory for a while and then, cleansed with pain, will go to the lowest heaven. And then, perhaps...' 'You forget that I am to be paid,' she said. 'No, I didn't. Look. He wears golden rings set with jewels of immense value. Take them, and let's be off.'

She shuddered and said, 'No. They would bring misfortune.'

'Very well. The next room should be his treasure chamber.' It was. There were chests and boxes filled with emeralds, diamonds, turquoises, rubies, and many other jewels. There were golden and silver idols and statuettes. There was enough wealth to purchase a dozen of the lesser cities of the empire and all their citizens.

But she could only take what she could carry and not be hampered in the leaving. Exclaiming ecstatics, she reached towards a coffer sparkling with diamonds. At her touch, the jewels faded and were gone.

14

She cried out in anguish.

'They're products of his magic!' Smhee said. 'Set here to fool thieves. Benna must have taken one of these, though how he got here and then away I've no idea! The jewel did not disappear because the mage was alive and his powers were strong. But I'll wager that not. long after the rat carried the jewel off, it disappeared. That's why the searchers found no jewel though they turned the city upside down and inside out!'

'There's plenty of other stuff to take!' she said.

'No, too heavy. But he must have put his real jewels somewhere. The next room!'

But there were no other rooms.

'Don't you believe it,' Smhee said. He tore down the tapestries and began tapping on the walls, which were of a dense-grained purplish wood erected over the stone. Presently, he said, 'Ah!' and he moved his hands swiftly over the area. 'Here's a hole in the wood just big enough to admit my little finger. I put my finger in thus, and I pull thus, and thus...!'

A section of the wood swung out. Masha got a burning lamp and thrust it into the room beyond. The light fell on ten open chests and twenty open coffers. Jewels sparkled.

They entered.

'Take two handsful,' Smhee said. 'That's all. We aren't out of here yet.'

Masha untied the little bag attached to her belt, hesitated, then scooped out enough to fill the bag. It almost tore her heart apart to leave the rest, but she knew that Smhee's advice was wisdom. Perhaps, some day, she could come back for more. No. That would be stupid. She had farmore than enough.

On the way out, Smhee stopped. He opened the mage's robe and revealed a smooth shaven chest on which was tattooed a representation of a fearful six-armed four legged being with a glaring long-tusked face. He cut around this and peeled the skin off and put it rolled and folded into a small jar of ointment. Replacing the jar in his bag, he rose, saying, 'The goddess knows that I would not lie about his death. But this will be the proof if any is demanded.'

'Maybe we should look for the mage's secret exit,' she said. 'That way, we won't run into the Raggah.'

'No. At any moment someone may see that the guard is missing. Besides, the mage will have put traps in his escape route, and we might not elude those.'

They made their way back to the corridor of the lift shaft without being observed. But two men stood in front of the entrance to the lift. They were talking excitedly and looking down the shaft. Then one ran down the corridor, away from the corner behind which the two intruders watched.

'Going to get help before they venture down to find out why the two feeders haven't come back,' Smhee muttered.

The man who'd stayed was looking down the shaft. Masha and Smhee took him from behind, one cutting the throat, the other stabbing him in the back. They let themselves down on the ropes and then cut them before going down through the open trap door. But as they left the cage, a spear shot through the trap door and thudded point-first into the floor. Men shouted above.

'They'll bring ropes and come down on those,' Smhee said. 'And they'll send others outside to catch us when we come out of the pool. Run, but remember the traps'.'

And the spiders, she thought. And the crabs. I hope the bears are dead. They were. The spiders, all real now that the mage was dead, were alive. These were driven back by the torches the two had paused to light, and they got to the skin-boat. They pushed this out and began paddling with desperation. The craft went through the first arch and then through the second. To their right now were some ledges on which were masses of pale-white things with stalked eyes and clacking pincers. The crabs. The two directed their boat away from these, but the writhing masses suddenly became individual figures leaping outwards and splashing into the dark water. Very quickly, the ledges were bare. There was no sign of the monsters, but the two knew that these were swimming towards them.