Jean Auel - The Clan of the Cave Bear

And what had Broud done to her? Taken her child from her and turned the old magician out of his hearth to get even with her. Now, no one had a hearth. Why did Broud do it?

Why did he curse her? The spirits had always favored her, she brought good luck, until Broud said he wanted to curse her, until he told the mog-ur to curse her. Broud brought the bad luck on them. Now what would happen to them? Broud had made the protective spirits angry and then unleashed the evil ones. And the old magician was dead, The Mogur couldn't help them now.

Ayla was so lost in her grief, she wasn't aware of the rapid currents swirling around her. She saw Broud order her cursed, and saw Goov tell him it was done, but her grief-filled mind didn't comprehend. Slowly, the meaning impinged on her consciousness. When it penetrated, with all its ramifications, the impact was devastating.

Cursed? Death cursed? Why? What did I do that was so bad? How did it happen so fast? The clan was as slow to comprehend as she. They hadn't fully recovered from the earthquake. Ayla watched them with a curious detachment as, one after the other, eyes became glazed and unseeing. There goes Crug. Who's going to be next. Uka. Now Droog, but not Aga yet. There she goes, she must have seen me look at her.

Ayla wasn't moved into action until Uba's eyes went blank and she began to keen for the mother of the boy she held in her arms. Durc! My baby, my son! I'm cursed, I'll never see him again. What will happen to him? There's only Uba left. She'll take care of him, but what can she do against Broud? Broud hates him because he's my son. Ayla looked wildly around, and saw Brun. Brun! Brun can protect Durc. No one else but Brun can protect him.

Ayla ran to the stoic, strong, sensitive man who, until the day before, had led the clan. She dropped to the ground at his feet and bowed her head. It took a moment before she realized he would never tap her shoulder. When she looked up, he was looking over her head at the fire behind her. If he wanted, his eyes could see her. He can see me, Ayla thought. I know he can. Creb remembered everything I said to him, so did Iza.

«Brun, I know you think I'm dead, a spirit. Don't look away! I beg you, don't look away! It happened too fast! I'll go, I promise I'll go, but I'm afraid for Durc. Broud hates him, you know he does. What will happen to him with Broud as leader? Durc is Clan, Brun. You accepted him. I beg you, Brun, protect Durc. Only you can do it. Don't let Broud hurt him!»

Brun slowly turned his back on the pleading woman, turning his gaze away as though he was shifting position, not as if he was trying to avoid looking at her. But she saw the barest glimmer of recognition in his eyes, a hint of a nod. It was enough. He would protect Durc, he had promised the spirit of the boy's mother. It was true it was too fast, she hadn't had time to ask him before. He would bend his decision not to interfere with Broud that much. He would not let the son of his mate harm Ayla's son.

Ayla got up and walked purposefully toward the cave. She hadn't decided to leave until she told Brun she would, but once she did, it made up her mind. Her grief over Creb's death was pushed into a corner of her mind, to be brought out later when her survival was not at stake. She would go, perhaps to the world of the spirits, perhaps not, but she would not go unprepared.

She hadn't been as aware of the destruction inside the cave the first time she went in. She stared at the unfamiliar place, grateful that the clan had been outside. Taking a deep breath, she hurried to Creb's hearth, ignoring the treacherous condition of the cave.

If she didn't get what she needed to survive, she'd be dead for sure.

She moved a rock from her bed, shook out her fur wrap, and began to pile things on it. Her medicine bag, her sling, two pairs of foot coverings, leggings, hand coverings, a furlined wrap, a hood. Her cup and bowl, waterbags, tools. She went to the back of the cave and found the supply of concentrated, high-energy traveling cakes of dried meat, fruit, and fat. She searched through the rubble and found birchbark packets of maple sugar, nuts, dried fruit, ground parched grain, strips of dried meat and fish, and a few vegetables. It was not too great a variety so late in the season, but adequate. She dumped dust and rocks out of her collecting basket and began to pack it.

She picked up Durc's carrying cloak and held it to her face, feeling the tears well up. She'd have no need for it, she wasn't taking Durc. She packed it. At least she could take something that had been close to him. She dressed herself warmly. It was still early in the season; it would be cold on the steppes. North, it might still be winter. She hadn't made any conscious decision about her direction; she knew she was going to the mainland north of the peninsula.

At the last moment, she decided to take the hide shelter she used when she went with the men on hunting trips, though technically it wasn't hers. She could take anything that belonged to her; whatever was left behind would be burned. And she felt a share of the food was rightfully hers, too, but the shelter was Creb's for the use of the people of his hearth. Creb was gone and he never did have a use for it; she didn't think he would mind.

She packed it on top of her collecting basket, then hoisted the heavy load on her back and tied the thongs that held it securely in place. Tears threatened again as she stood in the middle of the hearth that had been her home since a few days after Iza found her.

She would never see it again. A kaleidoscope of memories tumbled through her mind, stopping for an instant at significant scenes., She thought last of Creb. I wish I knew what caused you such pain, Creb. Maybe someday I'll understand, but I'm so glad we talked the other night, before you left for the spirit world I'll never forget you, or Iza, or the clan.

Then Ayla walked out of the cave.

No one looked at her, but everyone knew when she reappeared. She stopped at the still pool just outside the cave to fill her waterbags, and had another memory. Before dipping in and disturbing the mirrored surface, she leaned over and looked at herself. She studied her features carefully; she didn't seem so ugly this time, but it wasn't herself she was interested in. She wanted to see the face of the Others.

When she stood up, Durc was struggling to get free of Uba's restraining arms.

Something was going on that concerned his mother. He wasn't sure what, but he didn't like it. With a jerk, he broke loose and ran to Ayla.

«You're going away,» he accused, beginning to understand and indignant that he hadn't been told. «You're all dressed and going away.»

Ayla hesitated only a fraction of an instant, then held out her arms as he flew into them. She picked him up and hugged him tight, fighting back tears. She put him down and hunkered down to his level, looking directly into his large brown eyes.

«Yes, Durc, I'm going away. I have to go away.»

«Take me with you, Mama. Take me with you! Don't leave me!» «I can't take you with me, Durc. You have to stay here. with Uba. She will take care of you. Brun will, too.»

«I don't want to stay here!» Durc gestured fiercely. «I want to go with you. Don't go away and leave me!»

Uba was coming toward them. She had to, she had to take Durc away from the spirit. Ayla hugged her son again.

«I love you, Durc. Never forget that, I love you.» She picked him up and put him in Uba's arms. «Take care of my son for me, Uba,» she motioned, looking into her sad eyes that looked back and saw her. «Take care of him my sister.» Broud watched them, getting more furious. The woman was dead, she was a spirit. Why wasn't she acting like one? And some of his clan weren't treating her like one.

«That's a spirit,» he gestured angrily. «She's dead. Don't you know she's dead?» Ayla marched straight to Broud and stood tall before him. He was having trouble not seeing her, too. He tried to ignore her, but she was looking down at him, not sitting at his feet as a woman should.